Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum
May 11, 2006 -- The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to "de-emphasize" rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as "godless Communist propaganda" in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as "the One True Way".
Earth (side view)
President Trent Lott to Add Agrarian Charm to National Mall
Washington, D.C., May 9, 2009 -- During a short press availability in the White House Rose Garden, President Trent Lott announced today a plan to remake the White House and adjacent National Mall in a manner that "would reflect the glorious antebellum history and culture of the region" by converting the currently open, recreational park spaces to "small-scale agricultural production carried out by entrepreneurial families".
Barack Obama Tops the Charts
Los Angeles, March 14, 2008 -- It is nothing new for popular musicians to throw their support behind a presidential candidate. Waldo Brumholder and the Whigettes were on the campaign trail for President William Henry Harrison. Frank Sinatra crooned for President John F. Kennedy. Toby Keith wailed in his own patriotic way for President George W. Bush in 2004. However, none of these examples can compare to the massive outpouring of support provided to Barack Obama in his 2008 bid for the presidency.
Cheney Offers to Stay on as Veep
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008 -- In a move that surprised most pundits, Dick Cheney has offered to “stay on” as Vice President following the conclusion of President Bush's final term.
The offer, which the vice president announced during his regular 7:30 am interview on Fox Morning Talking Points, was extended to both Republican nominee John McCain and Democratic nominee Barack Obama.
Texas Scientists Clone Twenty Dollar Bill
Abilene, TX, June 19, 2008 -- A research team at Texas Yee & Haw University announced Tuesday that they have successfully performed the first fiduciary cloning procedure on a $20 bill. Using an innovative technique developed at the University's Somatic Sawbuck Laboratory, the Texas scientists extracted DNA from a standard $20 bill, supplied by Earl, the lab maintenance supervisor, and used it to grow an exact replica in an enlarged, rectangular petri dish.
Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé
Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!
Bird Flu Drug Tamiflu's Primary Ingredient Washed Out in Mudslides
Atlanta, April 22, 2009 -- With bird flu, also known as avian flu, now confirmed to have mutated into a form that can be transmitted human-to-human, international disease control agencies are concerned by a new report that virtually all of this year's star anise crop, a vital component of Tamiflu grown only in four provinces of China, has been wiped out in a series of mudslides brought on by unseasonably strong tropical storms in the region.
DiCaprio Delights in Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol
New York, October 22, 2007 -- From curtain up to final bow, the merriment and music never fade throughout Malcolm Purino's fabulous new production titled Crime and Punishment: The Little Raskol, which premiered Saturday at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre on West 46th Street.
This hearty comedic remake of the classic novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky casts a bright new light on desolation, despair and moral imbroglios, spicing the bland fare of the Russian intelligentsia with a unique dash of American zest.
Wingding Institute Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
Oslo, Norway October 10, 2011 -- The Norwegian Nobel Committee shocked the world yesterday when it announced that the controversial Wingding Institute had won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize beating out such favorites as the United Nations, World Bank and the International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance (IDEA).
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