Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Microsoft Corp. co-founder Bill Gates, who was appointed by President Bush to replace Donald Rumsfeld as Defense Secretary in November of last year and confirmed by the Senate today, said he will dedicate his new mandate in part "to the ongoing global struggle against unfair competition and open source radicalism".

Secretary of Defense William H. Gates III

Duckbill, Wyoming, November 14, 2009 -- A comprehensive study performed by the American Turkey Council has concluded that Thanksgiving turkeys are "unlikely carriers of the avian flu, or bird flu, virus." According to the council, the chances of contracting avian flu by eating traditional Thanksgiving turkey are "probably less than one in four.

With reasonable precautions, Thanksgiving dinner need not be a last supper

Brentwood, CA, August 29, 2016 -- The troubled nuclear physicist and former pop idol Michael Jackson has been found guilty on all counts in what pundits have labeled "The Trial of This Week". Sentencing is expected to occur early next month. Most courtroom observers predict Jackson will receive up to one month of house-arrest at his six-room condominium in Brentwood, and a fine of up to $400 dollars payable in cash or check.

Mexico City, August 27, 2039 -- "Good fences make good neighbors," intoned Mexican President Jorge Monclova as he dug the first ceremonial spadeful of sand to mark the commencement of the construction of Mexico's new, massive border tightening effort, dubbed the Peace Wall. The immense barrier, a sixty-foot high structure that will stretch the entire 1,920 mile length of Mexico's border with the United States, is designed to curb a rising groundswell of illegal immigration from the country's less affluent northern neighbor.