Astrologers Lead Move to Shift Earth Three Feet to the Left
Fleetwood, Montana, April 19, 2010 -- The world's leading astrological organization is spearheading a movement urging that the Earth be shifted roughly three feet to the left to correct what the group calls a "slight predictive orbital discrepancy". By marginally adjusting the Earth's orbit, the group hopes to improve its overall predictive accuracy which is currently running at a rate just below that achieved by a standard monkey throwing darts at a prediction-covered wall.
Videotape Proves Bush White House-Trained First Puppy on U.S. Constitution
Washington, D.C., January 21, 2009 -- A videotape discovered in a secret compartment of former president George W. Bush's Oval Office desk has revealed that the United States Constitution, missing since early 2001, was used by President Bush to "White House-train" first dog Barney.
White House First Dog Barney reclining on soiled U.S. Constitution, Oval Office: Video still
The videotape was found by White House transition staff during the traditional clearing-out of the ex-president's effects.
Bush Calls for Constitutional Amendment Protecting Pandering
Washington, D.C., June 28, 2006 -- During a speech delivered in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush today made the case for an important new proposed constitutional amendment, the "Defense of Pandering Amendment".
Under the terms of the proposed amendment, it would become unlawful for journalists, lawmakers and private citizens to publicly identify election-year pandering as election-year pandering during the course of an election-year pandering cycle.
In Light of Recent Extinctions, U.S. Adopts Bald Beagle as National Icon
Western Plastic, Wyoming, May 30, 2141 -- The United States Office of Patriotism-Enhancing Symbolism announced today that the nation, by executive order and congressional nod, has officially adopted the graceful and majestic bald beagle as its new national symbol, replacing the lamentably extinct bald eagle.
New Presidential Seal Featuring the Bald Beagle
Nuclear Device Destroys Crawford, Texas
Waco, Texas, September 18, 2008 -- A nuclear detonation reduced most of Crawford, Texas to rubble yesterday morning, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security's KABUM Dept., who were last to the scene, said today.
Mortally curious badger
President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law
Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.
Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine
Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.” He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.
Chief Justice Roberts Jolts Court With Witch Trial Push
Washington, D.C., February 11, 2006 -- United States Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. startled observers and fellow justices yesterday by calling for the Supreme Court to spearhead a new struggle to root out, prosecute, and punish witches. While it is rare and, according to some constitutional scholars, unethical for a member of the Supreme Court to assume such an overtly activist position on any particular issue, Chief Justice Roberts, in announcing his initiative, said "I don't give a rat's posterior. If you don't like it, fire me."
Earth Declares War on Venus, Loses
Ecofrex, Moltopribate, Jebruarius 36, 2498 -- Salutoriations and benevoloriums. Earth has declared war on neighboring planet Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun.
Venus, our sister sphere betwixt this, our planet, and that, our sun
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
