GOP To Issue Targeted Ballots To Illegal Immigrants For Mid-Term Elections

Washington, D.C., October 5, 2006 -- Republican national committee chairman Ken Mehlman announced today that a special form of ballot will be issued to illegal immigrants across the United States in time for use in this November's pivotal mid-term elections.

The ballots, dubbed "Provisional Targeted Ballots" by the GOP, will allow illegal immigrants to actively participate in the "great and noble experiment that is American democracy", according to Mr. Mehlman, before being deported back to their homelands in boxcars by members of the Republican Guard (Immigrant Deportation Division).

"I see it as a beautiful way to educate these illegal immigrants on the importance of full-scale participatory democracy before we throw them the hell back out of our fine country," Mr. Mehlman said. "Our hope is that they'll take some of the joy of participating in that process back with them when they're deported to whatever dirtbag country they live in and use it to, I don't know, buy American-made toilet paper or something. Have you seen the current account deficit? Pretty grim."

According to Mr. Mehlman, each illegal immigrant who voluntarily comes forward and registers as an illegal immigrant with the secretary of state of any Republican-controlled state will automatically receive a temporary waiver of American non-citizenship, together with a postal ballot allowing them to cast a vote in local, state and national elections during the 2006 election season.

"They'll be allowed to vote for everything from dog catcher right on up to senator and governor," Mr. Mehlman said. "It's a real vote, just like the vote of any real American citizen. The only difference is the targeting."

Mr. Mehlman explained that the ballots are "pre-targeted" to automatically cast the illegal immigrant's vote for whomever the republican candidate happens to be for whatever post is being voted for.

"We think that will help ease the strain of deciphering all the difficult, English-language speeches and candidate platforms and things out there," Mr. Mehlman said. "It's a little like the menu of options at a fast food restaurant. If you have too much to choose from, you just get confused and things get bogged down. Whittle that down to a few entries, and things get a lot zippier. We're just taking this to its logical extreme, one candidate, and because we think Republican candidates are the best candidates, the ballots are pre-targeted to vote for Republicans. It's for better efficiency."

Mr. Mehlman said the illegal immigrants would be encouraged to sign up for the experiment via a series of television, radio and print ads in over 34 languages offering "total amnesty and the free granting of full citizenship in the United States of America" if they participate in the provisional targeted ballot program. Illegal immigrants who happen to have family members or friends living legally in the U.S. will be required to ensure that those friends or family members also vote along GOP party lines in order to become eligible for the amnesty.

"And that's all true," Mr. Mehlman said. "The only small print, which we think it's best to underemphasize in order to encourage maximum participation, is that they’ll be trundled out of the country for 20 years immediately after voting, preferably with their hands tied and a sack over their heads. And take any legal immigrant family members with them. When that time's up, they can come back and apply for citizenship just like any other immigrant. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, if you get my meaning."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor