Electricity Found to Cause Massive Brain Cell Loss
Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 19, 2014 -- A sweeping two-part study of the effects of electricity on the human body has concluded that short- or long-term exposure to the phenomena may be responsible for the untimely demise of millions of brain cells.
A brain
The study also brings scientists to the disturbing conclusion, described by coordinators as "shocking", that most humans are unwilling to alter their behavior to prevent damage to their primary brain functions, even when made aware of the causes of that damage
House Outlaws Computers in Wake of Masturgate
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2007 -- Speaker of the House Dennis ("Denny") Hastert announced yesterday that the U.S. House of Representatives has banned all computers, BlackBerries, modern cell phones and other electronic communications devices from its offices and related premises.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert, co-sponsor of the IM Clean Act
India and Pakistan Agree to Share Kashmir in Joint Custody Arrangement
Srinagar, Kashmir, May 29, 2011 -- High-level diplomatic representatives of India and Pakistan announced today the successful conclusion of a dramatic final round of talks over the fate of the disputed Kashmir region. Kashmir, over which India and Pakistan each claim varying degrees of sovereignty, will under the terms of the new agreement be shared equally between the countries in a joint custody arrangement.
Pat Robertson Vaporized By Asteroid Apophis
Lexington, Virginia, April 13, 2029 -- Pat Robertson, the aging former televangelist and radical Christian conservative, was struck and killed today by the widely-feared Apophis asteroid in a freak accident veteran observers are terming "an act of God".
God's Green Acres nursing home, Lexington, Virginia (after Apophis asteroid impact)
Donald Rumsfeld Redefines "Insurgent", Issues "Donald Rumsfeld Guide"
Washington, D.C, January 2, 2006 -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, apparently dissatisfied with the current American vernacular's inadequacy in consistently reflecting his own ideological positions, has issued a new pamphlet entitled Donald's Dictionary: The Donald Rumsfeld Guide To Positive Speaking. The Secretary of Defense said he hopes this word usage guide will help "keep the conversation on the right track, any deviation from which will only aide and abet the enemy".
NASA Launches First-Ever Faith-Based Space Program
Washington, D.C., April 19, 2010 -- NASA, the United States' National Aeronautics and Space Administration, announced today the launch of the first-ever faith-based space program. The project, working-titled "In God We Thrust", will develop and launch a range of orbital, lunar, and interplanetary space vehicles using entirely faith-based methods of engineering, aeronautics, electronics and astrophysics.
First faith-based NASA moon mission (artist's conception)
Google WTF Search Delivers
Mountain View, CA April 23, 2008 -- Nearly everyone has misplaced their keys, wallet or cell phone. Everyone has had at least one sock come up missing after the laundry has been completed. At least once a week one of the many remote controls is not where it is supposed to be. The people at Google Labs have now come to the rescue of us all with Google's latest application: Where To Find (WTF).
Stocks Tumble on Self-fulfilling Prophecy Fears
New York, March 12, 2008 -- Worldwide stock markets fell sharply today on fears investors may react negatively to widespread nervousness regarding the potential for a downward market trend. The steep drop during morning trading led to a broad tumble across all major sectors, with panicky investors interpreting the fall as an indication of a setback in investor confidence.
Fox Entertainment Owner Rupert Murdoch to Found Reality College
New York, October 19, 2006 -- Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, who through his vast entertainment conglomerate News Corp. controls reality show and infoganda channel Fox, announced plans yesterday to found a "reality college" to help shore up declining reality TV show ratings. The mission of the college, according to News Corp. spokesman Sam Vapore, will be "to teach dedicated reality television viewers and contestants how to act like real people."
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