Democrats To Launch National Exorcism Campaign
Washington, DC March 12, 2007 -- As Gov. Howard Dean, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), and his staff looked through the results from the 2006 midterm elections and compared them to entrance and exit polls it became apparent that something wasn't right with this election. Once again, the Republicans overcame the odds and handed the Democrats a startling defeat in their bid to gain the majority in Congress.
Shoplifting Blamed for Federal Budget Deficit
Washington, D.C., April 16, 2010 -- A report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has determined that everyday shoplifting is to blame for the bulk of the federal government's projected $434 billion 2010 budget deficit.
Big Savings for Military Procurement Using "IKEA Model"
Hampton Roads, Virginia, July 22, 2017 -- US defense secretary Alberto Fulshrop said today that the military's adoption of the so-called "IKEA model" last year has resulted in military procurement savings close to the projected goal of 10%, or over $183 billion. Secretary Fulshrop hailed the program as a "sterling success, and a genuinely fun project for all the enthusiastic do-it-yourselfers in the services."
C17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New Mexico
Ron Paul for President Campaign Hires Top Internet Spammer
Washington, D.C., September 12, 2007 -- The Ron Paul for President campaign announced today it had hired Roy R. Schecter, a widely vilified international purveyor of spam email, to bolster its seemingly unstoppable grass-roots Internet campaign. A spokesman for Ron Paul said Schecter, 26, will take charge of coordinating the campaign's innovative Internet marketing efforts.
Rudy Giuliani, After Florida Primary Defeat, Begs Rivals For Some Punishment
Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge, Florida, January 31, 2008 -- One-time Republican presidential frontrunner and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani issued a heartfelt and occasionally tear-filled appeal to leading Republican candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney for “a little bit of freaking attention” following his unimpressive 13% showing in yesterday's Republican primary election in Florida.
House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing
Washington, D.C., February 13, 2008 -- Roger Clemens appeared today to testify before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's full committee hearing on "The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Steroids in Major League Baseball, Day 2".
1985 Topps Roger Clemens rookie card in mint condition owned by the nephew of Rep. Elijah Cummings which may or may not increase in value when Roger Clemens is not elected into Cooperstown
God Chimes In On Intelligent Design
Chicago, IL, September 7, 2006 -- The increasingly vitriolic debate between religious conservatives and the scientific community took an unexpected turn yesterday when a voice confirmed to be that of God disparaged the idea of "intelligent design" as "a load of crap".
Trump Tapped For Guantanamo Resort Makeover
New York, September 19, 2009 -- Legendary real estate tycoon and "Apprentice" star Donald Trump has been selected by the Department of Defense to give the widely criticized internment camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba a much-needed facelift. According to sources close to the project, Trump has been tasked with converting the camp into a first-class resort hotel and casino.
Expectations Shrinking for Very Small People Project
Salt Lake City, Utah, June 29, 2108 -- A spokesman for the Human Reduction Institute's Very Small People Project announced at their annual meeting today that the group had achieved "only limited success" thus far in their attempts to reduce the size of human beings by 90 percent or more. The project, which has been coming under increasing fire over the past decade, may now be in danger of being scuttled altogether. Representatives of the institute remain optimistic, however.
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