Additional Abu Ghraib Images Surface
Washington, DC, November 2, 2006 -- Just days before the U.S. midterm elections, previously unpublished images of abuse of Iraqi prisoners inside the U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad have surfaced. This represents the fourth time this year that Abu Ghraib torture images have been published and the timing could not have been worse for an already crippled Bush administration hoping to maintain what little hold they currently have on Congress.
President Bush Commences Hunger Strike for Improved Poll Numbers
Washington, D.C., September 9, 2006 -- During an impromptu press availability in the White House Rose Garden today, President Bush announced he will, effective immediately, commence a hunger strike in pursuit of improved popularity ratings.
Marshmallow Fluff, a key ingredient in President Bush's favorite "Fluffergutter" sandwich, sacrificed for better poll numbers
Metalloids Depose Noble Gases in Bloodless Revolution
Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".
Glorious Revolutionary Leader President King Antimony
A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".
39 New Giant Hamster Flu Deaths Reported in Midwest
Sioux City, Iowa, October 12, 2030 -- The recently-formed Midwest Commission on Giant Hamster Flu (MCGHF) reported yesterday that an additional 39 men and women have succumbed in the past month to the latest outbreak of Giant Hamster Flu, or GHF. This brings the total GHF-linked death toll to over 400 for the first three quarters of the year, a 49 percent increase over 2029.
Officials of the MCGHF are now characterizing the outbreak as a serious pandemic with the potential for widespread contagion, although no cases of GHF spreading from human to human have yet been reported.
God Indicted in Absentia on Bird Flu Related Terrorism Charges
Washington, D.C., April 22, 2007 -- Following confirmed reports that the H5N1 avian flu virus has again been altered, making it even more resistant to anti-viral medications and increasing the risks of human-to-human bird flu transmission, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of God, the leading Suspect in what is now described as a global bio-terror conspiracy.
H5N1 avian flu virus strains (gold) prior to latest tweak by Hand of God: Photograph by C. Goldsmith/U.S. Centers for Disease Control
Genetic Engineers Create First Manga Baby
Boulder, March 22, 2014 -- Genetic engineers at the world-renowned Tweek-e-Gene Institute in Boulder, Colorado, announced today the successful production of the world's first live custom-designed human Manga-baby. The baby, a healthy boy weighing 2.3 lbs. and measuring a lanky 38 inches from head to toe, will be named Ichi the Killer.
Ichi the Killer, prototype Manga-baby
Trend-spotters confidently predict Ichi will be the first boulder in a virtual landslide of specially-ordered designer Manga-babies.
GOP To Issue Targeted Ballots To Illegal Immigrants For Mid-Term Elections
Washington, D.C., October 5, 2006 -- Republican national committee chairman Ken Mehlman announced today that a special form of ballot will be issued to illegal immigrants across the United States in time for use in this November's pivotal mid-term elections.
The ballots, dubbed "Provisional Targeted Ballots" by the GOP, will allow illegal immigrants to actively participate in the "great and noble experiment that is American democracy", according to Mr. Mehlman, before being deported back to their homelands in boxcars by members of the Republican Guard (Immigrant Deportation Division).
Blair Seeks Ban on Habits
London, December 2, 2006 -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today he will seek a ban on all public displays of habits, the traditional garments worn by monks and nuns, calling them "marks of separation".
Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)
Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought
Montgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007 -- Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, is now urging Alabamians to increase pressure on the heavenly potentate with a newly proclaimed "Curse Drought" initiative.
Alabama Governor Bob Riley (Rep.)
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
