Bolton Pushes "Balcony Bling" Poverty Plan at U.N. Reform Conference
New York, September 17, 2005 -- U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations John R. Bolton is making headlines and ruffling feathers this week with a controversial new poverty amelioration plan he terms "Balcony Bling". Bolton, who had been severely critical of U.N. efforts in most arenas prior to his recess appointment as United States representative to the organization, stresses that he sees the need for radical new approaches to, in his opinion, moribund U.N. activities such as the UNDP's poverty reduction program.
DeLay Laundromats Score D.C. Home Run
Washington, D.C., July 9, 2013 -- Tom DeLay, the former United States Representative, House Majority Leader, and ruthless high-profile right-wing "bag man", has broken new post-political ground here on the Beltway with his fantastically successful chain of coin-op laundromats, DeLay Kleenomatik. DeLay founded the laundry chain after emerging from a seven-year prison sentence at the Baltimore Reprobate Reprogramming Facility on various ethical charges. He is said to be "thrilled" with the runaway success of the new enterprise.
German Greens See Red Over Autobahn Sale
Stuttgart, December 29, 2008 -- German environmentalists are up in arms after the disclosure today of the sale by Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel of the Autobahn, the country's famed high-speed highway network, to an investment coalition headed by several prominent OPEC nations including the Republic of Saudi Arabia.
The step is one of many moves toward privatization by the fragile coalition government headed by Merkel that is now being hotly disputed by members of the more liberal Social Democrat coalition members due to what have been termed the "insane conditions" of the sale.
Wing-Clipped NASA to Launch Wal-Mart Budget Spacecraft
John F. Kennedy Space Center, Florida, October 12, 2006 -- Facing what may be the worst fiscal shortfall in the space agency's history, a spokesman for NASA today announced a plan to resort to the extreme cost-saving measure of acquiring most future spacecraft from budget retailer Wal-Mart. An initial consignment of six "Econo-Capsules" purchased by NASA via the Wal-Mart e-commerce website at a cost of $29.95 each (plus shipping and handling), is slated for delivery this December.
Wal-Mart Econo-Capsule
Bill O'Reilly Wins Bill O'Reilly Award
Newark, February 12, 2008 -- Former television and radio broadcasting personality Bill O'Reilly announced today that the nationwide search for a winner in the prestigious first annual Bill O'Reilly Awards for Excellence in Broadcast Journalism has resulted in a surprise victor: Bill O'Reilly.
The Wingnut
Right Clarifies Moral Confusion With Don't Kill Me Canon
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2007 -- A coalition of American conservatives led by Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Dr. James Dobson and Newt Gingrich issued yesterday the "Don't Kill Me" Canon, intended to crystallize some of the right wing's often incompatible moral imperatives into a simple, easy-to-remember catch-phrase, "Don't Kill Me". The Canon seeks to provide an consistent ethical foundation for the right wing's various positions on the death penalty, abortion, euthanasia and preemptive warfare.
Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections
San Diego, November 9, 2006 -- Following the resounding defeat of Republican candidates in the 2006 midterm elections, President Bush hailed his party's victory during an epic speech this morning.
President Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 elections
Afterburner Forfeits Kentucky Derby Win
Churchill Downs, May 8, 2009 -- Afterburner, the three-year-old thoroughbred who shattered course records yesterday to win the 135th Kentucky Derby, has been disqualified on a technicality, thereby forfeiting his title and the $1.5 million winner's purse. Race officials cite Afterburner's groundbreaking posterior propulsion technique as the reason for the disqualification. Porter Gickle, Afterburner's owner, says he will appeal the decision.
Rush Limbaugh Volunteers for Iraq Tour of Duty
New York, March 12, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the well-known syndicated right-wing radio "dissonance-jockey" and top cheerleader for the ongoing Iraq war, has volunteered to serve an initial 12-month tour of active combat duty in Iraq.
Private Limbaugh's Armored Combat Winnebago
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