Grover Norquist Drowns in Bathtub
Washington, D.C., June 8, 2025 -- Americans for Tax Reform head Grover Norquist reportedly drowned in his bathtub last Thursday in a freak accident that some witnesses describe as "an unfortunate confluence of mutually destructive events".
Grover Norquist, who despite a striking physical resemblance is reportedly unrelated to the classic Muppet of the same given name, was found alive by a local citizens' order patrol but expired before he could receive proper medical attention.
Axel Jumpsuit, self-appointed High Palooka of the K Street Peace & Quiet Militia, was first to the scene.
"We intercepted a call from some neighbors in Grover Norquist's building that they heard screams and shots," said Mr. Jumpsuit. "Our unit was only three blocks away and I knew that was a top-paying building, so we acted as quickly as we could. Unfortunately for Mr. Norquist, we had to fight our way through the Mass Ave. Mercenaries and the L Street Love Guns to get there, which cost us quite a few casualties. But the surviving members of our team were at Mr. Norquist's apartment within, at most, maybe ninety minutes after receiving the call."
According to Mr. Jumpsuit, the scene that greeted him on pushing his way through Mr. Norquist's faultily-constructed Sleep E-Z security door was "macabre and pretty baffling, at first."
"I couldn't imagine how someone like Grover Norquist could have gotten himself into such a predicament," said Mr. Jumpsuit. "But a couple of our guys are amateur forensics experts. They trained by watching old DVDs of CSI stolen from the derelict municipal archives, and are actually pretty good. Together, they managed to patch together a timeline and the sequence of events that led to Mr. Norquist's unfortunate demise."
Mr. Jumpsuit said he and his K Street team discovered Mr. Norquist naked and pinned beneath a large sewage pipe in a full bathtub in his apartment bathroom.
"Norquist was holding an automatic weapon above the water level, but his head was pretty much completely under," Mr. Jumpsuit said. "He was kind of thrashing around and blowing bubbles. At first we thought it was only the sewage pipe holding him down, but then we discovered he'd also gotten his toe stuck in the drain, which had just massive suction. We had to leave the toe behind to pry him loose."
Two days following the incident, Mr. Jumpsuit and his amateur forensics team had compiled what they believe to be an accurate reconstruction of the tragic accident:
"Here's what we're pretty sure happened," Mr. Jumpsuit said. "Mr. Norquist apparently picked up a new Uzi knock-off from one of those street vendors you see all the time along K Street. I wouldn't recommend doing that, by the way, because a lot of the manufacturers got pretty sloppy after that blanket indemnity for firearms got passed back in 2005. On Mr. Norquist's, for example, the safety catch was just a little decal that said 'Safety Catch'. There wasn't any actual switch that did anything. Next time you need a new weapon, buy pre-2005.
"We think Mr. Norquist got the Uzi to protect himself during last week's regular Tamiflu riots. He had a pretty good stockpile at his place—it's gone now, so don't bother going to look for it. We also found traces of live chickens which Norquist had apparently been sacrificing that afternoon. Not smart, considering the bird flu risk. And we don't know why he didn't just pay the local Block Squad for protection like everyone else in that building.
"While he was washing off the chicken residue in the tub, we think Norquist got dizzy from some body oil he was using, which turned out to be seriously toxic when it reacted with the arsenic in the water supply. His automatic weapon, which he had with him in the bath, went off and blasted huge holes in the walls, severing several major pipe connections and filling the tub with water and sewage. One pipe also pinned him down in the tub. We think he managed to pull the plug, but his big toe must have got stuck right away. Those things are murder. Any idiot knows you've got to get out and back a couple of feet away before you yank the chain.
"By the time we got there, the whole place was flooded and Norquist was up to his forehead in water and sewage. We saw he was still blowing little bubbles, though, and considering the size of his bankroll figured we might as well try to save his flabby ass.
"He was still alive when we got him down to the truck. We couldn't move for a while because those left-behind fifth-graders in the 14th Street After-School A-TAK Irregulars pinned us down with rocket launchers on a lunch money raid. Then we had to take him to four different HMOs before anyone would accept his insurance card. You know how long it takes to get around now that all the roads are just giant pools of mud? He'd stopped breathing by that time, maybe five hours later. Not that they could have done much at the HMO anyway, since the power was out again. Too bad none of us ever got any training in CPR."
A close friend and business associate of legendary disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, Mr. Norquist, 69 at the time of his death, is best remembered for having spearheaded the "extreme tax reduction" movement with the ultimately successful goal of eliminating all non-military government services. In addition to heading Americans for Tax Reform, Norquist served on the board of directors of the National Rifle Association, Vanguard PAC, and the American Conservative Union. He was a member of the Council on Foreign Relations, chairman emeritus of the Islamic Institute, and a successful lobbyist who in the past was rumored to have helped advance the causes of Angola's UNITA, Palestine's Hamas and Hezbollah, and other popular terrorist-affiliated groups.
Mr. Norquist's funeral pyre, part of the weekly public corpse-heap flame-up at the intersection of Connecticut Ave. and K Street, is expected to be ignited Saturday around noon.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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