Anna Nicole Smith Allegedly Marries, Eats Nine Elderly Billionaires
Malibu, February 4, 2011 -- Anna Nicole Smith, the former exotic dancer, Playboy model, weight-loss product spokesperson and failed "reality show" star whose legal struggle to secure a large portion of the estate of her late billionaire husband of nearly nine weeks went as far as the United States Supreme Court before being thrown out in a hail of hysterical spittle, is making headlines again this month in a controversial incident that some observers suggest may have legal implications. Ms. Smith, who has been out of the public eye for several years, now appears to have spent much of that time marrying and eating aging billionaires.
TrimSpa, makers of TrimSpa X32, the dietary supplement made from the dehydrated souls of deceased slim people to which Anna Nicole Smith has credited her dramatic weight loss successes of the beginning of this century, is concerned that Ms. Smith may have "fallen off the wagon" of the TrimSpa regimen.
"We're very concerned," said Sally Svelte, Vice President of Corporate Communications for TrimSpa. "Billionaire cadavers are definitely not part of our program. If the rumors are true that she has eaten nine of them, there's a strong chance that she will have begun gaining again, even if the billionaires in question were old and bony. Especially if she's binging."
Anna Nicole Smith apparently first developed her taste for elderly billionaires at the age of 26 after meeting the 89-year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II at her workplace, Bouncing Boo B's, a Texas buffet restaurant featuring live clothing-challenged entertainment. The couple were swiftly wed, and just as swiftly parted, with Marshall barely having time to breathe the first phonemes of "I d…" before crumbling to a small heap of gray dust.
Anna Nicole Smith, who claims the couple had an "enduring matrimonial bond built on trust, shared values, and strong mutual sexual attraction", endeavored over a number of years to lay claim to several hundred million dollars of Marshall's estate. Her attempts were repeatedly foiled by children of the late Marshall, who attempted to cast Nicole Smith as a "dust-bunny", until the case arrived in the court of U.S. Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. The Supreme Court considered the case for nearly eleven minutes before folding the docket into a "dart-style" paper airplane and shooting in through the court window onto the lawn, where it landed in a small pile of fresh excrement produced by Barney, the White House First Dog.
Disappointed by the result, a disconsolate Anna Nicole Smith withdrew from the public eye, saying, "Stop staring at my ass! Hey! Why aren't you staring at my ass?" Most observers expected her never to return.
Now, however, a source who "works closely with Anna Nicole – like, right there in the house – not the living room, not the pool house, not the den – rhymes with 'itchin' '" has come forward to contend that she may have assisted Ms. Smith in the culinary preparation of deceased billionaires on at least nine occasions over the past five years.
"I didn't know they were dead billionaires at the time," said the source. "I just thought they were big, scrawny, wingless chickens. But after a while I began to put two and two together."
According to the records of the L.A. County Registrar of Ulterior Espousal, Anna Nicole Smith, who recently made the Forbes 400 list of the wealthiest individuals in America with assets in the $2.3 billion range, amassed the huge fortune in part by marrying, in swift succession, nine billionaires, none of whom were below the age of 106. Despite their advanced age, the billionaires appear to have expired with unusual alacrity following the nuptials. The longest period of wedlock was eleven weeks. Ms. Smith successfully recovered fifty percent of the estates of each of the billionaires, in accordance with California law. While it remains unconfirmed whether or not the former Playboy model actually consumed the billionaires, one aspect remains particularly murky: her motive for doing so.
"I just don't see it," said Nawaf al Khali, who acted as Nicole Smith's chauffeur and confidant for a number of years. "She was doing very fine with the TrimSpa curriculum, shedding pounds like there was no tomorrow. She had veritably porked up for many months and years, but lately she was beginning looking like a real knockout. Maybe she thought that to eating them would putting them closer together, like it was a spiritual thing. I think she maybe had some real feelings for those little elderly rich people."
Anna Nicole Smith was not available for comment at time of writing.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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