Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandmother

Regional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016 -- A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he “flipped the bird” yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandmother, Sue Ellen Fecundite.

According to Mr. Dribbler, at the time of the incident he had been sorely exasperated by Ms. Fecundite's erratic driving while navigating downtown traffic during rush hour yesterday to the point at which a demonstrative single-fingered outburst was “nothing short of inevitable”. The fact that the individual on the receiving end of the injurious missive was his grandmother Sue Ellen has left Mr. Dribbler with “a profound sense of shame but also, in a way, justice”.

“Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, like Cher,” Mr. Dribbler said, “and take back that middle finger. You should have seen the look on Nana's face when she saw it was me. But on the other hand, Nana so had it coming, driving like a loon, and why should it be different just because it's family?”

Mr. Dribbler said he had been driving in his car, a 2011 Ford Wanker, from Lenny's Waterbeds, his place of employment, toward the off-track betting office at 3rd and Main when his forward passage was blocked by “what I thought was just some tiny white-haired crone in a giant boat of a 1973 Chrysler deBobo”.

“Traffic was pretty tight to begin with,” Mr. Dribbler said, “but then this deBobo weaved its way straight out from the curb, cutting me off. The driver seemed to have no idea that there were lanes painted on the road, which doesn't surprise me since her head was about a foot below the steering wheel. Right blinker going the whole time. She was all over the place.”

Mr. Dribbler said he dodged and weaved behind the erratic deBobo for “at least five minutes”, his blood pressure rising all the while, until the opportunity presented itself to pass.

“You can bet my window was rolled down and a giant middle finger aimed straight up at that driver when I gunned the engine and charged by,” Mr. Dribbler said. “Damn, it felt good. Righteous retribution. But imagine how I felt when I saw that little white head poke up and I was staring right at Nana. She's 93, and we always tell everyone how cool it is that she still gets around on her own. Better than being in a home, or at my mom's house being a burden on the family, and all that crap. But damn, did she look pissed, especially with those giant magnifying eyeglass lenses. I'm so not looking forward to Thanksgiving.”

A district police officer said Mr. Dribbler and Nana will be required to swap vehicles while a pending investigation is pending.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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