Surprise Rapture Disrupts Bush's 2007 State of the Union Address
Washington, D.C., January 24, 2007 -- President Bush's 2007 State of the Union address bumped into an unexpected snag with the "rapturing" of approximately 150,000 Fundamentalist Christians yesterday, Washington sources said.
The rapture, which resulted in the immediate disappearance and ascension into heaven of the bulk of President Bush's remaining supporters, appeared to have caught Bush completely by surprise and rendered the remainder of his State of the Union speech halting and virtually indecipherable.
"It was kind of a shock," veteran political analyst Arty Shaw, who was present in the visitor's gallery at Bush's State of the Union, said. "President Bush had been talking about 20 minutes, and was just finishing up the empty platitudes section of the State of the Union address before moving on to the false promises bit, when about 300 people in the audience abruptly disappeared."
According to Mr. Shaw, the "raptured" individuals vanished without a sound, leaving their clothes to fall gently to their seats "like autumn leaves."
"If that crowd shows up in heaven naked, as it seems they have," Mr. Shaw said, "I'm definitely going to add 'eyes' to my organ donor's card list."
President Bush reportedly received word via a discreet message from an aide on his teleprompter that the rapture was taking place.
Witnesses said President Bush stopped in the middle of a sentence, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and stood stock still, as though waiting for something.
A few moments later, he reopened his eyes and noticed the numerous suddenly empty seats scattered around the House Chamber, then "seemed to sigh and shrink a little," according to Mr. Shaw.
"Once he realized he wasn’t going to get raptured, and that he'd just lost 150,000 of his most loyal supporters, I think the wind just kind of went out of him," Mr. Shaw said.
"He made a kind of half-hearted effort to stumble through the rest of the speech, but you could tell his heart wasn't in it. I mean, it was a triple whammy. First he's facing an openly hostile congress and approval ratings in the upper twenties. Then his biggest bankrollers vanish in a puff, leaving behind nothing but black ties and sequins. Then he's forced to reevaluate what he's obviously been mistakenly believing was some sort of special relationship with God. I mean, put all of that together and anyone's going to have a tough night."
President Bush reportedly retired to Vice President Cheney's undisclosed location immediately following the shaky conclusion of the 2007 State of the Union address during which he, for reasons that are as yet unclear, omitted to conclude with his signature "May God continue to bless America" line. The president remains unavailable for comment.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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