BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
"bneeebneeBNAK!!schniiiiimmmm GLORK, shcmthshthrghmthhhhh," drooled the 4'7" 562-megaton speedster, whose stock soared after clocking a blistering 4.08 40-yard dash at the NFL combine in Tampa. Georgia Tech teammate DeShon Jackson, who signed with Denver last week, concurs. "bakbak's got heart, man. One time in practice, our QB threw an interception, and the cornerback had, like, thirty yards on everybody, and bakbak comes out of nowhere, dude. Just ate him up. Right on the ten-yard line. Even the helmet. It was sick. You can't teach that, dude."
"He's already got a pro body," nods Eagles GM Izzy Bellman. "We had some concerns about his route-running ability, and he's still got a ways to go on that front, but the kid's just an absolute rocket, he can separate from defenders, and once he gets the ball, he's unstoppable. He weighs a frickin' million pounds." Bellman is already on record as saying that the Eagles will tinker with a number of four-humanoid sets, and even use bakbakBNAK!!schHneeeeBORTTT as a change-of-pace back in some of its third-down packages.
bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT only played one season at Georgia Tech, declaring hardship and entering the NFL draft after recording 29 catches for 1,746 yards and 29 touchdowns in just eight games. Despite missing the first four games of the season with an unspecified space virus in seven of his lungs, the resilient silicon-based life-form literally bounced back to lead the Rambling Wreck to an 8-4 season, ending in a 39-27 loss to Texas in the Doritos-Microsoft Alien Android Friendship Bowl in Tuscaloosa.
"That dang freakshow scored every effin' time he got the gol' dang ball," said Texas coach T.J. "Cookie" Munster. "We had to double him the whole goddamn game. And he frickin' drools, so we had to rotate our coverage. Nobody wanted to get near his frickin' air chutes. I mean, who knows what the hell is in space goo, you know? Somebody could sprout a forehead arm like that poor kid at Syracuse. Jesus."
When asked to comment, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT downplayed the risk of any interspecial cross-contamination, citing the NFL's strict screening policies and lauding the league's groundbreaking life-form acclimation program. The soft-spoken athlete also noted that improved hygiene and his faith in The Calming Pulse Of The Timeless Universal Unit would play a role, stating "bombomBOMBOMbomshghphththghooooo VNATT!!TT schnee, glblgghlnang fnoo."
bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT also reported that he has already purchased a house in neighboring Bala Cynwyd, and looks forward to joining the Philadelphia Eagles community. He will not return punts.
By Dang Long, Special Correspondent
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