Pat Robertson Retracts God's Wrath Statement on Dover, Pennsylvania School Board
Dover, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2005 -- Pat Robertson, the conservative Christian broadcaster and popular right-wing resident loon, today retracted comments he had made last week on his "700 Club" program warning the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they "better not go crying to God if disaster strikes".
Robertson had asserted that by voting out of office all eight members of the Dover school board who had been advocating the inclusion of "intelligent design" doctrine in local school curriculums, the citizens had "rejected God", and shouldn't bother trying to pray in the event of a natural catastrophe, because "God wasn't going to listen."
On his daily "700 Club" television broadcast, Mr. Robertson said "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city."
Robertson apparently chose to retract his comments after being contacted by irate representatives of the Seattle-based Discovery Institute, an organization funded by right-wing religious conservatives that has been lobbying for the acceptance of intelligent design doctrine as a scientific theory, and for the inclusion of the doctrine in school curricula.
According to sources close to Mr. Robertson, the representatives were concerned that Robertson was "going to blow the lid off the whole 'intelligent design isn't creationism' conspiracy".
"Someone should lock that doddering doofus up and throw away the key," said Kip Sprinkle, a leading "intelligent designologist" with the Discovery Institute. "What the hell was he thinking? The whole reason we came up with the phrase 'intelligent design' was so that we could pretend that what we're advocating is something other than Biblical creationism."
"When you get a nut-case like Robertson," Mr. Sprinkle continued, "bellowing from his video pulpit that those folks in Dover just chased God out of town, it kind of makes it look like there's a connection between the Christian concept of God and what we like to call the scientific principle of intelligent design, which would of course make the teaching of intelligent design unconstitutional because of the establishment clause. Would someone please muzzle that freak?"
Mr. Robertson, in his retraction, indicated that what he had meant to say was "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to a non-religiously affiliated intelligent designer, you just rejected the scientifically-proven-to-exist omnipotent celestial engineer from your city." He blamed the televised misstatement on "a devil in the teleprompter".
In a clarification, Mr. Robertson added: "I wish to state very emphatically that the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania did not just reject the teaching of creationism in school through their actions. They rejected the teaching of intelligent design, which is a completely different thing and which has nothing to do with religion or the Bible."
Mr. Robertson further indicated he intends to issue a call for the assassination of the newly elected Dover, Pennsylvania school board during a rambling monologue to be broadcast live on the "700 Snuff Club" tomorrow. Advance copies of a Christian Broadcasting Network press release indicate Mr. Robertson will retract the comment on the following day.
God was unavailable for comment at time of writing.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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