President Trent Lott to Add Agrarian Charm to National Mall

Washington, D.C., May 9, 2009 -- During a short press availability in the White House Rose Garden, President Trent Lott announced today a plan to remake the White House and adjacent National Mall in a manner that "would reflect the glorious antebellum history and culture of the region" by converting the currently open, recreational park spaces to "small-scale agricultural production carried out by entrepreneurial families".

"The idea came to me over three years ago, around the time I was announcing my candidacy for president," President Lott said. "At that time, there was a certain brouhaha in the media about the use of the term 'plantation' to describe Congress. This, of course, was nothing particularly new, given that prominent Republicans and Republican organizations such as Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Novak, the editorial pages of the Washington Times and the Wall Street Journal, and the National Review, just to name a few, had been using the phrase 'liberal plantation' for decades. But when Senator Hillary Clinton, a democrat, used the word 'plantation' to describe the way the Republican Congress is run, it really opened my eyes for the first time. It is run like a plantation, so why not make it look and work like one?"

According to President Lott, activities will begin "within the next few weeks" to convert the National Mall, the long, narrow stretch of park that serves as one of Washington D.C.'s central landmarks, into "grounds suitable for small-scale agricultural development", and to build "a few hundred little one-room shacks with picturesque outdoor plumbing".

"The White House is already a near-perfect example of the typical antebellum plantation-owner's mansion," said President Lott. "All that's needed are some fields and a few hundred colorful workers to toil in them every day in the hot sun while I sit on the porch drinking mint juleps."

In accordance with this vision, the grassy Mall will shortly be plowed and prepared for planting with crops reminiscent of the antebellum age.

"We'll be looking mainly at cotton, both for its picturesque quality and for authenticity," said President Lott.

President Lott explained the fields will be "independently maintained by family units who will each be granted a small plot – a hundred square feet or so – from which to extract a comfortable livelihood."

Due to local city ordinances against the use of heavy machinery on the Mall proper, plowing, sowing and harvesting will be carried out by means of manual labor, although donkeys and mules may be used to some limited extent for plow-pulling.

"Just like in the good old days," said President Lott. "There's no better way to keep fit than picking cotton, and that's good for our healthcare system. We've already started recruiting candidates from the INS for the first two hundred plots. Blacks, Hispanics, Koreans, immigrants, Asians, non-whites – all races are welcome. There's no bigotry in my White House, and I think my dear old friend Strom Thurmond could confirm that if he weren't dead."

President Lott said the recruits, to be dubbed "agrarian subsistence entrepreneurs", will not be classified as legal owners of the farming plots, but rather will be provided with "quality housing and the opportunity to farm what they liked" in return for a share of the proceeds of their agricultural activities.

"We'll be letting them keep around 10% of the crop to use for their own purposes—medical care, food, dental, education, whatever they want to use it for. They'll also have to use some of it to buy seed and farm tools from me at a comfortable profit. The other 90% goes back to the White House as rent for the Mall property, which will provide a nice additional revenue stream for the White House, which will let us keep taxes lower. I plan to use the money mostly for haircuts."

According to President Lott, the agrarian subsistence entrepreneurs will be required to sign a 40-year contract for their National Mall plots which will include an initial payment, in the form of an interest-bearing government loan to the entrepreneur, of 100 percent of 10 years' worth of profits from the fields, "so that we can be assured of having some fiscal stability. Also, the security background checks we'll be running on potential entrepreneurs don't come cheap. So they'll start off a little bit on the wrong side of the ledger, but you can't accumulate if you don't speculate, right?"

In the event that an entrepreneur should pass away before the expiration of the contract, the debt will be passed on to the entrepreneur's children.

"We're taking a risk here by putting our trust in these people, and the American people want to be sure that debt gets paid back someday," said President Lott.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor