White House to Name Czar Czar
Washington, D.C., June 12, 2009 -- Responding to growing public dissatisfaction with the administration of President Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the White House announced today the imminent appointment of a Czar Czar who will personally oversee and take charge of all of the administration's smaller, task-targeted czars.
President Mayor Giuliani, who inched into the Oval Office largely thanks to the support of his 17.6 million strong ex-wives and/or cousins voter base, initially enjoyed approval ratings in the upper 40s during the traditional 100-day honeymoon granted most newly inaugurated presidents. Support plummeted in recent days with the discovery that Mr. Giuliani is in fact little more than a failed former mayor with a Seinfeld cameo credit.
Pundits view the Czar Czar appointment as an attempt by President Mayor Giuliani to recover voter support by demonstrating himself to be a strong leader. Over 37% of respondents in a recent New York Times/IPSOS poll chose "Possesses the ability to periodically cause oneself to appear to be a strong leader" as an characteristic they view as important in a president.
The Czar Czar, a White House press spokesman said, will be personally in charge of all previously appointed White House czars including the Iraq Fiasco Czar, the Methamphetamine Czar, the Subprime Lending Crisis Czar, the Endangered Oilman Czar, the Citizens' Laundry-Sniffing Czar, the Boomerang Safety Czar, the Talk Tough About China While Increasing Trade With China Czar, and any and all other administration czars that currently serve or may be appointed in future.
"The great thing about a czar, if you look back at Russia before the Communists took it over," Doug Friendly, a correspondent for the American Standard, said, "is that they know how to cut through red tape. Czars don't need to worry about bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo and democratic process—they just get the job done using whatever means necessary. And that's what our modern, enlightened, Western democracy needs more of."
The Giuliani administration left open the possibility that additional Czar Czars may be appointed if the task of overseeing the ever-growing crop of lesser czars proves overly taxing.
"We've already convened a Blue Ribbon Task Force to investigate the possibility of appointing a Czar Czar Czar, who would be in charge of the Czar Czars," the White House spokesman said.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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