Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc
Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.
The sacred stool was unearthed last month by a construction worker during a hotel excavation project in the vicinity of Nahariya, northern Israel, and shortly thereafter flown to the Holy See where a multi-denominational consortium of primarily Christian religious leaders rapidly convened to examine it and verify its authenticity.
"When I first saw the Sacred Stool of Galilee, of course my immediate reaction was to shout 'Heavens to Betsy!'," a flushing Rowan Faulkner, Archbishop of Canterbury, said. "If it can be conclusively verified that the fossilized remains did in fact once belong to Christ, the Jesus Feces will become perhaps the most important sacred relic in the entire Christian world."
The fossilized remnants were found buried nearly 40 feet deep in a submerged cave in the rocky soil of Nahariya at the future site of the Park Plaza Hotel Nahariya. Religious historians believe Jesus may have used the cave as a private sanctuary to which He could periodically withdraw from the worshipful crowds to move His bowels undisturbed during His long sojourn in Galilee. Small ancient fragments of fossilized parchment found nearby on which are inscribed the words "Uncle Herod's Bathroom Reader", support this supposition.
Carbon dating of the fossil pegged its age at just under 1,990 years, meaning it was likely excreted when the Messiah was roughly the age of thirty. The Jesus Feces has already been determined to possess mystical properties of healing, further supporting its authenticity.
"If you touch the Sacred Stool," Thomas Taylor, a bishop of the United Methodist Church and one of the first to examine the relic, said, "you get a staph infection. But touch it again and the staph infection goes away. It's truly miraculous."
Gordon Willey, an archeologist with the University of Wales, Aberystwyth, said it is exceedingly rare for human excrement to survive in fossilized form.
"I don't know whether that particular bowel movement once belonged to Christ or not, nor do I know of any way to prove it one way or another. But excrement, human or otherwise, usually decomposes very rapidly. Fossilized dung is really an archeological miracle in itself – I don't see any need to ascribe it mystical powers."
The Sacred Stool has already embroiled the Christian and Muslim worlds in layers of controversy, with various branches and denominations of the major religions all claiming equal ownership of the relic. Currently the feces has been claimed by His Holiness Pope Gregory XVII who wishes to house it at the Pontifical Museum of Christian Antiquities in the Lateran Palace adjacent to the Basilica di San Giovanni in Toletta in Rome, for further examination and display on high religious holidays, but the Pontiff's claim is open to widespread dispute. The disparate claims to the Feces have already escalated to the point at which armed conflict over the relic is not beyond the realm of possibility.
"His Holiness Pope Gregory XVII, who was granted infallibility and a direct communication link with God following his election last year by the papal conclave in a five-step runoff ballot," Rev. Luigi Bonaventura, papal spokesman, said, "has pronounced that God, in His infinite wisdom, has assured His Holiness the Sacred Stool belongs here in Rome, at the cradle and crux of the Christian world, where it will be protected and displayed in a marble water closet already under construction by our papal masons."
Pope Gregory XVII, Rev. Bonaventura said, believes the Jesus Feces may be usable as a trump card in his bid to strengthen the bonds between the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox church, in particular the pivotal Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople and the Greek Orthodox Patriarchate of Alexandria, a conjoining seen by His Holiness as vital to counteracting the "creeping de-religiosity" of Europe.
"His Holiness is prepared to offer both the Greek Orthodox Patriarchate and the Ecumenical Patriarchate unlimited visiting rights to the Jesus Feces," Rev. Bonaventura said, "with a custody arrangement to be negotiated that would grant the two primary Orthodox Sees possession of the Stool one weekend per month on alternate months."
The offer was immediately rejected by the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople, who, through an intermediary, said he "wasn't going to take any crap from Rome".
"The Pope is welcome to visit the Inviolate Log in the Archdiocese of Constantinople any time he wants," the intermediary said, "but it belongs here permanently."
Rev. Bonaventura countered that His Holiness was prepared to defend the Roman Catholic Church's sacred right to the Holy Loaf by any means necessary, including activating the Vatican's highly feared contingent of Swiss Guards armed with versatile little folding knives.
Meanwhile, the Jesus Feces has been counter-claimed by virtually all branches of the Protestant church, including the Methodists, the Evangelicals, the Anglican/Episcopals, the Baptists, the Presbyterians, the Lutherans, the Quakers, and the Scientologists, the latter of whom do not believe the Feces possesses sacred powers as such but who wish to use it as fuel for their spaceship. Muslim leaders, for whom Jesus is revered as an important prophet, have also stated their fervent wish to take possession of the feces but intend to remain prudently distanced from the melee "before we get blamed for anything else", according to a spokesman.
A leading Fundamentalist Evangelical, Rev. P. Jay Holee IV, said "The Jesus Feces, as the first genuine sacred artifact we know of that has passed through the actual Body of the Messiah, is the closest any living man will ever get to the love, mercy and healing powers of Christ. It belongs to us, and we're prepared to kill anyone who tries to keep it from us."
The final fate of the Jesus Feces remains undecided, with armies currently being gathered at all corners of the globe and the rhetoric surrounding the Stool growing increasingly heated. With voices of anger growing more strident while voices of tolerance fade in the cacophony, the eagerness of all sides to gain sole possession of the Jesus Feces risks sparking a tragic international manifestation of greed, conflict and destruction not seen since Roman times.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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