6 in 10 Vampires Do Not Know Own Blood Group, Survey Finds
Great Neck, Long Island, August 3, 2012 -- The largest health awareness survey of vampires yet conducted found that six of every ten vampires surveyed could not identify their own blood group. Eight in ten were unaware of any potentially dangerous allergies other than sunlight, and only a tiny fraction carried full medical and/or life insurance.
Suzanne Pockthroat, healthcare analyst with Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, said she finds the trend "highly alarming".
"What we have here is an entire class of individuals that, despite being in a potentially high-risk group, are nearly completely exposed in the event of a medical calamity," Ms. Pockthroat said.
The survey, which was conducted at great expense by an army of clipboard-wielding bed-ridden virgins wearing high-tensile steel neck braces over the course of three years, was commissioned by Metropolitan Life's actuarial department as part of a three-stage market expansion initiative by the leading insurer.
"We were looking around at our demographic subdivisions and discovered that vampires had been completely left out," said Melville Isotope, a vice president for corporate development at Metropolitan Life. "We found a whole population sector just hanging there, upside down, without any coverage."
Vampires are considered a highly attractive demographic for most marketers due to the group's overall high median income, limited dependants, remarkable longevity and expensive tastes in clothes, apartments and automobiles.
"But when it comes to medical and life insurance, these guys are just a complete disaster," Ms. Pockthroat said. "The virgins asked them only the most basic questions in order to get some data together for our bean-counters and they didn't have a clue about co-payments or deductibles. There was also a remarkable over-reliance on President Cheney's Medicare Prescription Blood Benefit to carry them through, but most of them, when we showed them the forms, just turned pale."
According to Ms. Pockthroat, the vampires, when asked about their blood types, either flared their eyes, transmogrified into bats and flew screeching out the mysteriously open window, or responded "inappropriately".
"We received many responses along the lines of 'oaky', 'lemony', 'licorice, vanilla, spice' and 'redolent of apricot', which didn't fit our profiles at all," Ms. Pockthroat said. "Those aren't going to be much help when the EMT pulls the pitchfork from your back and asks if you're an AB negative."
Mr. Isotope said Metropolitan Life plans to launch a nationwide "edu-advertising" campaign to boost awareness among vampires of the need to secure proper medical and life coverage.
"Granted, these people seem remarkably resilient, but just because they don't get out much in the daytime doesn't mean they're not potentially allergic to bee stings," Mr. Isotope said. "And despite the immortality thing, what if one day you wake up with a wooden stake through the heart? It's a little late to start thinking of your loved ones at that point."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Medical Correspondent
- Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
- Somali Pirates Hijack International Space Station
- God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt
- Cognitive Dissonance May Provide Cure To Non-Existent Global Warming
- Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid
- Oil Exec Sequestration May Provide Answer to Global Warming
- Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire
- God Loses Dice
- Archeology Report: The Armstrong Tautologies