Sam Brownback Pregnancy May Put Squeeze On Presidential Bid
Ottawa, Kansas, April 6, 2008 -- The presidential campaign of dark-horse candidate Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) may be facing an new hurdle with the announcement that the virulently anti-abortion neo-conservative is pregnant. The Brownback pregnancy is, in the words of campaign press spokesman Diana Herodias, "really not part of the game plan and may create some serious challenges to our crusade for the White House".
Sam Brownback was diagnosed pregnant following a routine medical check-up taken by the senator prior to a planned balloon ride with the pressure group Concerned Kansians for Biblical Government. The balloon ascension was to be part of a scientific inquiry set to disprove once and for all heretical contentions regarding the purported sphericality of the Earth.
"We noticed an unexplained bulge in the vicinity of Senator Brownback's left rib cage," Dr. Artemus Sheppleton, a general practitioner at Ransom Memorial Hospital in Ottawa, Kansas, said.
"Concerned that it might be a potentially malignant growth, we performed an immediate MRI. To our surprise, we found a tiny fetus growing in Mr. Brownback's left lung."
Specialists at the Divine Shepherd of the Lord Health Center in Dotterel confirmed the diagnosis.
"Human asexual reproduction is a rare, but by no means unique, occurrence," Dr. Sherman Plow, a diagnostician and obstetrician at Divine Shepherd, said.
"This, however, is as far as I know the first documented case of what appears to be a viable pregnancy occurring in a male individual. One can only speculate as to how conception was achieved – my guess is some form of inhalation – but our main concern now is how to ensure the safety of the fetus right up until the moment of delivery some seven months from now."
A staffer with the Sam Brownback for President campaign suggested that the Brownback pregnancy may in some ways be a vindication of Mr. Brownback's own visionary views on the process of evolution.
"Future president Brownback has often explained his own concept of 'limited evolution' or 'microevolution' and how that doesn't conflict with his deeply held beliefs in short-Earth creationism," staffer Jimmy Flimboy said.
"The way Sam sees it, little changes can happen within a specific species in order to adjust to changing environmental conditions. But no matter how many changes happen, it's still the same species, just as God created it. So, you know, a creature like a monkey may start to walk more upright, eat different stuff, maybe even lose most of its hair, start talking, and even get elected president. But it'll still be a monkey. We think Sam's lung womb might be an example of one of those little changes."
Given Senator Brownback's no-compromise views on abortion, Ms. Herodias said, "any termination of the pregnancy is of course not an option."
"That would be murder," Ms. Herodias said, "and Mr. Brownback has stated in no uncertain terms that murder is something that can only be performed by elected representatives in the context of their official capacities, either through capital punishment or by military means, not something that can be carried out by ordinary private citizens. So that's out. We'll just have to see this through."
According to Dr. Plow, the specific location of the fetus within Sam Brownback's body "will undoubtedly be cause for serious medical concern as the months progress."
"We can expect the fetus to fairly quickly fill Mr. Brownback's entire left lung, restricting the senator's oxygen supply. The fetus will also begin monopolizing air from the remaining right lung, as well as parasitizing the senator's blood supply and white blood cells. We can expect Mr. Brownback to grow sick, weak, and unable to speak within two to three months. Delivery will naturally have to be via a form of Caesarian section with, I fear, almost certainly fatal consequences to Mr. Brownback, as it will necessarily involve the removal of the left lung and one to three additional vital organs."
"We on Senator Brownback's campaign staff stand behind him 100 percent, even though we know we're going to be fighting what can only be a lost cause," Mr. Flimboy said. "Sometimes you just got to stand behind a man who stands behind his convictions, even if it means his own certain death. And when Little Sam, as we're calling the fetus, grows up, we hope he, she, it, or whatever it is, will understand that."
University of Kansas Medical Center, June 2, 2008
A spokesman for the Sam Brownback for President campaign announced today that Mr. Brownback is expected to recover fully from emergency surgery performed today at the University of Kansas Medical Center and will resume regular campaign appearances shortly.
The surgery, the spokesman said, was in response to a "large, but fortunately non-malignant growth found in the vicinity of candidate Brownback's left lung. The growth has been removed, and Senator Brownback is expected to regain full use of his lung over the next 6 to 12 months. Meantime, he will be augmenting his regularly scheduled campaign appearances with a special, high-power bullhorn."
Earlier reports that Mr. Brownback was in fact pregnant, and that the removal of the fetus from the candidate's lung essentially constitutes an abortion, have been dismissed as "silly rumors" by the campaign.
Doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists and others involved in the initial pregnancy diagnosis and the latest surgery were unavailable for comment, due to their unfortunate involvement in a fatal balloon explosion.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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