Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum
May 11, 2006 -- The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to "de-emphasize" rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as "godless Communist propaganda" in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as "the One True Way".
According to Steve E. Abrams, chairman of the education board, the new curriculum "starts with the corrected presumption that the earth is flat, and more or less continues from that premise."
Mr. Abrams stated that members of the Kansas Education Board were inspired to begin developing the new curriculum after several members "went outside and walked around a little", leading them to question the prevailing wisdom regarding the shape of the earth. Pearl Dustbunny, deputy board chairman, elaborated:
"Me and some of the other board members decided to do a little 'scientific exploration' of our own," she said, "instead of leaving it to all the heathens infesting those eastern liberal arts universities. We went outside the building here in Kansas and looked around. We also took a big ruler and took some measurements. Based on our observations and calculations, the earth is actually flat as a pancake. I don't know who those people think they're fooling."
The Kansas Education Board, strengthened by its successes in muzzling the teaching of evolution and debunking "round earth theory", two principles it finds "highly suspect", is now revising its entire curriculum to reflect what it describes as "proper Christian values."
"It's not a religious curriculum," Ms. Dustbunny was quick to emphasize, "because as you know that's prohibited by the Establishment Clause of the Constitution. What we're doing is utilizing the Bible as a work of literature and as a scientific treatise, just like Newton's Principia Mathematica."
Several major branches of scientific and historical inquiry will be redefined under the new "One True Way" curriculum, including physics, chemistry, biology, anthropology, literature, history, and mathematics.
"Chemistry's just a doozy," said Ms. Dustbunny. "You wouldn't believe the heathen nonsense those so-called scientists have put in there. Our new approach to chemistry deals with things you can see, taste, feel or smell. Earth, wind, fire, water. Anything else, according to us, doesn't exist. Elements joining or breaking apart to form new ones? Putting two kinds of air together to make water? Please."
Quantum and subatomic physics will still be taught, but only as examples of "the Devil's work" or "subversive bastardizations of the Lord's bounty".
Literature studies will begin with the Bible and end with the Confessions of Saint Augustine. "Most of what was written after that is just too heretical for words," Ms. Dustbunny explained.
Anthropological and paleontological inquiry will be primarily focused on exploring the mystery of "why dinosaur bones age so much more rapidly than human ones", although an alternative theory held by several board members that dinosaur remains are the "skeletons of fallen angels" will also be explored in detail.
A major segment of the junior high school curriculum will be focused on "ark design and construction", because, according to Mr. Abrams, "preparedness is our watchword".
In mathematics, any teacher caught instructing students on the concepts of differential calculus or irrational numbers will be burned as a witch.
"It seems a little severe," Ms. Dustbunny said, "but we have the welfare of our children at stake. No pun intended."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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