Videotape Proves Bush White House-Trained First Puppy on U.S. Constitution
Washington, D.C., January 21, 2009 -- A videotape discovered in a secret compartment of former president George W. Bush's Oval Office desk has revealed that the United States Constitution, missing since early 2001, was used by President Bush to "White House-train" first dog Barney.
The videotape was found by White House transition staff during the traditional clearing-out of the ex-president's effects.
Also found in the secret compartment were a blue yo-yo (tangled), a series of Lone Ranger comic books (dog-eared), and 28,000 Florida absentee ballots from the 2000 presidential race on which Al Gore's box had been checked.
"We are pleased with the find, given that it helps resolve the long, hitherto secret mystery of the disappearance of the Constitution, but we're not particularly sanguine as to the possibility of finding the original document intact, given the evidence on the videotape," said Dr. Leonard Pratt, chief administrator of the National Archives.
According to Dr. Pratt, he and other employees of the National Archives, the government body responsible for the maintenance and display of treasured national documents including, among others, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and George Washington's wooden teeth, were shocked to discover in early 2001 that the Constitution had been forcibly removed from its hermetically sealed display case in the Rotunda for the Charters of Freedom.
"Bob – my co-administrator – and I walked into the Rotunda one afternoon in early 2001 to do a little dusting and found the Constitution missing from its display case. We decided immediately that the only course of action we could take would be to secretly replace it with a poster replica so as to prevent the dissolution of the Union while we took steps to find and recover the document," Dr. Pratt said. "We're not proud of what we did, but we felt it was better than the alternative."
According to government sources close to the evidence, which has not yet been released in its entirety to the public, the amateur videotape shows a gathering of top Bush administration members playing with White House First Dog Barney, at the time still a puppy, in the Oval Office. The officials have been identified by White House historians as President George W. Bush, former Attorney General John Ashcroft, former Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney, and indicted felon Karl Rove. A fifth voice has been identified as that of the late Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, who is believed to have been holding the camera.
A partial transcript of the videotape follows:
PRESIDENT BUSH: Who's a good Barney? Who's a good wittle Barney-boy?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Get that fucker off my leg.
ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT: Language, Dick. Eternal damnation. Hellfire.
KARL ROVE: Give the little mutt a cigar, make him look presidential.
PRESIDENT BUSH: You can't give a cigar to a puppy! Can you?
KARL ROVE: Not the dog, dipshit. You.
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: (Laughs hoarsely).
CHIEF JUSTICE WILLIAM REHNQUIST (VOICE-OVER): What the fuck's he doing?
VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: God damn it!
PRESIDENT BUSH: Hang on!
(BUSH RUSHES FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, RETURNS APPROX. 45 MIN. LATER CARRYING SEVERAL CRUMPLED SHEETS OF PARCHMENT, NOW POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED AS THE U.S. CONSTITUTION)
PRESIDENT BUSH: Here, boy!
BUSH, CHENEY, ASHCROFT, ROVE, REHNQUIST: Awwwww.
Former president George W. Bush, reached by reporters at the Crawford, Texas BBQ-Dinette, where he was engaged in busing tables, expressed "regret" for the incident, at the same time denying any personal involvement.
"It was the first thing I could find. Besides, I thought it was just an old newspaper or a historical document, like that August 6, 2001 Usama PDB, not something important," the contrite, yet defiant, former president said. "Anyway, I didn't have anything to do with it."
The former president was unfortunately unable to reveal the current location of the missing Constitution beyond admitting, regretfully, "I think Ashcroft or Rehnquist might of thrown it away after Barney did his business," but reiterated his contention that the matter was, at most, a trivial one.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
- Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
- Hillary Vows to Press On in Face of North Carolina, Indiana Primary Setbacks
- In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama
- Candidate McCain Vows Not To Repeat Mistakes of 2000, 2008, 2012 Campaigns
- John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement
- Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
- In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch
- Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
- Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails