Bill O'Reilly Wins Bill O'Reilly Award
Newark, February 12, 2008 -- Former television and radio broadcasting personality Bill O'Reilly announced today that the nationwide search for a winner in the prestigious first annual Bill O'Reilly Awards for Excellence in Broadcast Journalism has resulted in a surprise victor: Bill O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly will be presenting the award, a 34 lb. bronze-plated trophy dubbed "The Wingnut", to himself at a gala awards ceremony at the Bill O'Reilly Coin-Op Laundromat in Newark, New Jersey, "home of the No Spin Cycle", this Friday.
"I'm just a regular guy, a moderate, self-made man with no pretensions, unlike all those liberal muff-diving commie foreigner anti-Christian jerkoffs who're pissing on my country, so I was surprised as the next guy when I heard I'd be getting this award from myself," said an exuberant Bill O'Reilly. "It's one hell of—shut up for a minute, let me finish—one hell of an honor, I'll tell you that."
First-time award winner Bill O'Reilly was selected on the basis of a number of criteria, all of which involved being as much as possible like Bill O'Reilly.
"I'll tell you what the award certificate says," said Mr. O'Reilly. "It says: 'The first annual Bill O'Reilly Award for Excellence in Broadcast Journalism is hereby awarded to Broadcast Journalist Bill O'Reilly for: his consistent valor under fire from a biased God-hating left-wing media filled with Castro wannabes; his scrupulously fair and balanced attention to fact and detail in the persistent absence of fairness, balance, fact, detail, attention, or scruples; and his courageous annual stand against the usurpation of Christmas for the purpose of self-aggrandizement by vitriolic right-wing media hacks during the shopping weeks between Thanksgiving and December 25.' "
"I think that's me in a nutshell," said Mr. O'Reilly.
According to Mr. O'Reilly, the search for the first winner of the prestigious Bill O'Reilly award was handled exclusively by himself because "no one else out there has the qualifications and skills to do it right, right?"
"We were looking for a really special kind of broadcast journalist," said Mr. O'Reilly, "the kind who can combine spectacular ignorance with phenomenal arrogance in a way that hits the American way of life right in the gut like a depleted uranium shell. Just like Dick Cheney looking for a Vice President, or Harriet Miers looking for a Supreme Court nominee, I looked far and wide across the entire infotainment spectrum until I found the perfect nominee. So it turned out to be me, Bill O'Reilly, go figure. You got a problem with that?"
Mr. O'Reilly, who according to published accounts was a registered Republican prior to changing his party affiliation to Independent in 2000 in order to strengthen his assertion that he is a non-partisan, was the host of the heavily neo-conservative Fox infoganda program and right-wing soapbox The O'Reilly Factor from the mid-1990s until his retirement in 2007.
The O'Reilly Factor, while generally considered a pointless exercise in propagandistic televised buffoonery with no substantive content, nonetheless repeatedly distinguished itself with its annual Intrepid Rescue of Christmas from tribes of heathen anti-Christian shop owners who had the temerity to further a general cause of inclusiveness and respect for others by utilizing phrases such as "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings" in their seasonal displays and holiday specials rather than the exclusively Christian "Merry Christmas".
"That's always been my shining moment," said Mr. O'Reilly, "winning the War on Christmas over the unholy. You wouldn't believe how much profit there is in stoking the fires of hatred for my own selfish purposes—we made millions. And just because you're a goddamn Jew, or a Hindu, or some goddamn Rastafarian who doesn't believe Jesus Christ is our Lord doesn't mean you shouldn't be grateful for having shopkeepers and public school teachers shoving an insincere and commercially motivated Merry Christmas down your throat fifty times a day from October through December and goddamn well like it. We're a Christian nation, and if you can't take it, get the hell out."
A rendition of the awards ceremony, heavily edited so as to cast as favorable a light as possible on Bill O'Reilly's performance and viewpoint in keeping with standard O'Reilly Factor operating procedures, will be aired on the Fox network Saturday night at 3:25 AM, EST.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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