Avant News Job Interview Tips: How to Fake the Liver Biopsy
Macon, Georgia, September 22, 2010 -- A recent survey performed by the Online Job-Seekers Bureau found that increasingly stringent rules for potential job applicants now frequently include such measures as requiring that liver biopsies, brain samples, and loyalty oaths be submitted along with a resume.A spokesman for the Online Job-Seekers Bureau said he found the trend "understandable, but troubling".
Avant News presents the conclusions of the survey together with a few helpful tips that may assist current job-hunters in achieving their goals with minimal permanent physical harm or disfigurement.
Not restricted to the application process, the survey found that requirements are generally increased following acceptance to a job at any of the top 50,000 United States employers to the point where some long-term workers may have little brain or liver left after more than a decade of employment.
"Companies want to know more and more about the lives and habits of potential workers," said Cuthbert Findle, a chief recruitment advisor at Online. "They want to keep constant tabs on them to ensure that workers remain loyal, fit, and under the heavy thumb of their employers at all times and at all places. What this means is that job applicants are routinely required to submit comprehensive affidavits regarding virtually every aspect of their lives, including marital status, number, age and gender of children, sexual orientation, eating, smoking and drinking habits, religious affiliations, hobbies, and more. Any deviation from the sworn statements submitted at the time of the job interview can then be used by the employer as a reason to fire the employee at some future date, usually on a 'breach of trust' or similar charge."
With the background in mind, here are a few Avant News tips for performing successfully at a job interview:
1) Make your resume as comprehensive as possible, but don't embellish. The chances are good that the prospective employer will hire a private investigator to explore any claims you make. Should they find that you have been exaggerating, such as by characterizing your three-month stint flipping burgers at Wendy's a "high-level consulting position in nutritional consulting", they may legally hunt you down and remove one of your legs.
2) Don't title your resume a "curriculum vitae" unless you know how to spell it correctly.
3) Do not list 'narcotics' as a hobby.
4) Include all report cards and grade transcripts from nursery school onward, unless the transcripts reflect negatively on your abilities. If they do, create your own transcripts at home using a software tool such as Adobe TranscriptMaker™.
5) Shower vigorously prior to, but not during, the interview.
6) When preparing for the interview, try to develop a sense of what is traditionally worn around the place of prospective employment, then dress slightly more formally. A recommended means of accomplishing this low-key "workplace espionage" is to dress up as a pizza delivery person and deliver pizzas there for a week. No one ever minds a fresh-delivered pizza, and the tips can be a lucrative alternative source of income.
7) When responding to interview questions, try to answer as honestly and openly as possible by mumbling while attempting to read the lips of your interviewer as he or she unconsciously mouths the replies that he or she wants to hear.
8) Liver biopsies: If your prospective employer requires that a recent liver biopsy be submitted together with your job application, First: DO NOT PERFORM THE BIOPSY YOURSELF. Enlist the aid of a competent medical professional. Second: Do not use your own liver. We recommend job-seekers purchase a "clean" liver of the same blood type as the job-seeker from a reputable supplier that can be used for all current and future applications (until exhausted) . The liver can be stored in the freezer for up to 18 months without significant damage.
9) Brain sample. Many prospective employers now require a sample of brain that is frozen, diced and genetically tested for factors such as cognitive ability, loyalty, stamina, Minesweeper tendencies, and likelihood to join a union. Ensure, as above, that the brain sample is removed by a competent professional, and try to take a non-essential portion of the brain that is not being used for other purposes. We recommend the "reality show lobe".
10) If you are a regular drinker, smoker, drug user, or non-Christian: Take the routine precaution of replacing your blood with the blood of someone who lives a healthier and more employable lifestyle prior to attending the job interview.
11) If your prospective employer asks you an 'illegal question', such as whether your children have a full-time nanny, whether you are married, and if so, whether the other party is of the same or a different gender, or questions regarding your religion or race, lean in conspiratorially toward the interviewer and answer honestly and in full, pointing out that any employer practices generally described as 'discriminatory' (as long as they would not apply to you) are just a bunch of counter-productive liberal B.S.
12) Spontaneously swear your undying loyalty to the firm and your deep-seated abhorrence of organized labor at frequent random intervals during the interview.
13) Demonstrate your state of health and physical fitness by conducting at least half of the interview from the position of a one-armed handstand on the interviewer's desk.
14) State that you "hope the company has enough surveillance cameras" and volunteer to work "undercover" as a corporate spy if you get the job.
15) Ask the interview whether he or she minds if you call him or her "Mein Führer".
16) DO NOT WRITE OR SEND ANY EMAIL OR SMS TEXT MESSAGES for several months prior to the interview. The federal government, as part of its "Keep America Paranoid" project, routinely passes on surveillance data of random citizens to prospective employers.
No matter what your capabilities or background, these interview tips should help transform you into a successfully employed member of the working public, ready to be searched, seized, prodded, investigated, strip-searched, spied upon, filmed, blood sampled, accused and summarily dismissed for the remainder of your working life. Happy commuting!
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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