Bush Announces Immediate Withdrawal of U.S. Troops From Iraq

Washington, D.C., November 29, 2023 -- President Jeb Bush today announced plans to immediately withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq. The announcement will affect all 465,000 troops currently stationed throughout Iraqi territory, as well as the 194,800 troops fighting in the joint Iran-Iraq controlled friendship zone along the eastern Iraqi border and 86,000 in semi-autonomous Kurdistan. White House Press Secretary Jenna Bush said the troop withdrawal should be complete within five to seven weeks, "give or take a few years".

President John Ellis Bush, more familiarly known as "Jeb" or "Meathead", has been under pressure recently from public demands for action on his frequently-voiced campaign pledge to end the war in Iraq-Iran, a commitment for which he claims to have "a secret plan". With nearly three years having elapsed since President Bush's inauguration and no action yet taken, the critical voices have grown increasingly strident. "Where's the casus belli, Ellie?" and "You suck, Jeb" headlined two of the nation's top daily newspapers last week, a mere drop in the bucket of the growing chorus of dissent.

Since the invasion of Iraq in 2003 by the second President Bush, motivated by charges the nation possessed secret stockpiles of avian flu virus, American forces have battled a highly resilient and tenacious resistance complicated by internal ethnic, religious and political divisions. Full-scale civil war erupted in Iraq early 2006, with fighting between various factions continuing unabated over the past two decades.

Initially backing the fragile Shiite-Kurd coalition against the formerly powerful Sunni minority, the United States was forced to change sides following the announcement of a cross-border Shiite alliance forged between Iranian and Iraqi religious hard-liners. To scuttle the planned full-scale merger of the two countries into a single hard-line fundamentalist Shawirma sovereign state operating under catchy Shania law, the United States sought to balance the powers by waging a legal and propaganda campaign to rekindle and re-arm the previously banned Baath party of Saddam Hussein, who is currently serving 30 years in a Topeka, Kansas county jail on evolution charges.

After the Baathists attempted to exterminate the Kurds in northern Iraq, apparently from habit, the United States once again switched sides and joined with the Iraq-Iran alliance to quash the Sunnis, whom Joint Chiefs Chairman Monty M. Montgomery described as "uppity".

The turmoil was made more tumultuous by the discovery in late 2019 that, due to communications failures between the Defense Department and the Central Intelligence Agency, the United States was arming and fighting all sides in the conflict simultaneously.

"It was a bit of a comedy of errors," said Kirk Doubtless, spokesman for the CIA. "We were covertly arming the Kurds to fight the Sunnis while Defense was aligned with the Baathists against 'Iran-Iraq'. When we discovered our mistake, we started running covert ops against the Iran-Iraq breakaway leaders, but by then the DoD had partnered with Iran to overturn the Kurds, who claimed autonomy and were planning an invasion of Turkey, while the Sunnis had hooked up with the Taliban in Afghanistan and were raking in heroin money hand over fist, blowing up pipelines every chance they got. Meanwhile, moderate Shiites in northern and southern Iraq were asking us to please just get the hell out."

Bush deflected suggestions put forth by lawmakers that an immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq-Iran-Kurdistan will merely exacerbate the challenges of the region, saying "So what? The whole thing is Dumbya's fault, anyway. Tell him to make his own frigging bed."

Former president George W. Bush, who was last seen slumped over a table in the V.I.P. room of a Huntsville, Alabama Hooters restaurant, was unavailable for comment.

58,148 American soldiers have thus far been killed in action in the 20-year Iraqi conflict.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor