Motorola Unveils Naomi Campbell Signature Line Assault Cell Phones
Las Vegas, April 7, 2007 -- At the CTIA Wireless 2007 Conference today, telecommunications giant Motorola revealed its latest technological innovation: the Naomi Campbell Signature Edition Assault Cell Phone.
The new cell phone line, according to a spokesman for Motorola, is intended to be "everything to everyone", cutting across demographics and income scales to provide a full-featured, stylish, durable combined wireless communications and personal protection device.
"We're extremely proud of the Naomi Campbell Signature Edition cell phones, our latest product offering," said Hopalong Beezle, a vice president for product development at Motorola's cellular communications and personal armaments division. "The Naomi Campbell line assault phones have it all. They're beautifully designed, feature everything a consumer could want in a cell phone including a five megapixel camera, four gigabytes of memory, MP3, you name it. Plus they're designed to function as a highly effective short-range projectile for fighting or defense. We're hoping to capitalize on the broad yuppie - fashion-snob - little old lady walking the streets in the evening in terror for her life – short-tempered supermodel cross-markets."
Mr. Beezle said the Naomi Campbell Signature Edition assault cell phones are designed with a focused "form follows function" mentality, but with a stylistic flair that will allow them to make a strong fashion statement for the discriminating cell phone user, similar to the approach used in the design of the popular Razr V3 cell phone line (now discontinued). The Naomi Campbell assault phones are sculpted with sharp, jagged edges and weigh in at a hefty 14.3 ounces.
"Most of that is ballast," Mr. Beezle said. "The actual innards of the phone weigh less than 19 grams. But if you need something to wing at the head of a nighttime marauder or a recalcitrant maid, you're going to want a little heft."
According to Mr. Beezle, each Naomi Campbell Signature Edition assault cell phone is personally tested by supermodel Naomi Campbell for "impact effectiveness and post-traumatic durability".
"Basically, we put a phone in her hand each time one rolls off the line, and she hurls it in fury at whoever happens to be standing nearby," Mr. Beezle said, illustrating his point by indicating a deep 3-inch scar on his forehead. "It packs a whale of a punch. But once it bounces off someone's head, the floor, a wall, whatever, you can rest assured it's going to continue to function perfectly tiptop."
Mr. Beezle said Motorola has received an advance order from the Department of Defense for 150,000 standard-edition Naomi Campbell Line Assault Cell phones at a special 2,400 percent military no-bid markup for use by ground troops in the ongoing war in Iraq.
"How many other companies can offer a high-tech, really snazzy personal communications device that can also be used as a combat projectile at close quarters?" said Col. Wolverine Jack, a procurement officer with the Pentagon. "The sooner we can get these in the hands of our troops, the safer they can feel. And hopefully we can get them compatible with whatever cellular system they use in Iraq before our troops come home."
In an unrelated development, Vice President "Dick" Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reportedly each acquired between 150,000 and 400,000 shares of Motorola stock mere hours prior to the announcement. Spokesmen for both government dignitaries assured the press the purchases "had nothing to do with the no-bid procurement contract. Just good timing."
Naomi Campbell, who reportedly now never travels without a Naomi Campbell Signature Edition Assault Cell phone in her purse or hand, could not be reached for comment due to widespread terror among the journalistic community.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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