NFL Owners Change Name, Game

New York, July 19, 2017 -- Team owners of National Football League (NFL) formally approved the new team restrictions, salary caps, rules and official name change for the Professional American & International National Football League (PAINFL).

PAINFL commissioner Adam Sandler explained, “There were a number of factors contributing to the need for this massive overhaul of the NFL. Skyrocketing salaries, teams changing cities, decreased attendance, retired numbers and fewer athletes available, the list goes on, but all of these things all played a part in the need for this drastic change.”

Miami Packers owner Dennis Rodman added, “When you have players making over $170 million every year and a salary cap of $1.2 billion, it was next to impossible to maintain the league in its former state.”

Many league observers also noted that the decreased attendance, attributed to the rising cost of attendance combined with the diminished quality of play, was the major reason prompting the owners to change the NFL as we have known it.

ESPN commentator George Radhouse elaborated, “when the cost of a single ticket ($670) is more than a gallon of gasoline you know there is a problem.” Radhouse continued: “plus the level of play has decreased so dramatically that one can see a better game at the local high school. Gone are the NFL glory days with athletes in the mold of Reggie Bush and Ted Ginn Jr.”

All professional sports have taken a hit in athleticism over the last decade as many youths have turned to video games and virtual sports to demonstrated their athletic prowess. No sport, however, has suffered the impact as much as professional football.

All Pro Linebacker for the San Francisco Hackers of the American Web Football League (AWFL) explains: “Why risk life and limb to do something you love? I can sit here in my living room, drink a beer and perform at the highest level.”

Virtual attendance at AWFL games has increased 20 fold over the last five years to a staggering 18 million viewers per game. The newly minted PAINFL will attempt to fight the AWFL for market share with the following changes:

- 3 players on the field with a limited roster of 10 per team.
- 16 all-time quarterbacks to be on league salaries and rotated to different games each week.
- A 3 alligator or 3 Mississippi rush count (This is yet to be finalized at the time of print due to a player’s union challenge that Mississippi is unfair due to many of the players having a notable lisp).
- Increased on-field participation of scantily clad cheerleaders.
- Uniforms of players to include unique symbols rather than numbers in order to more easily identify the individual player.
- Uniforms will no longer be standard issue as the players will dress the same as their particular mascot (for example: the Green Bay Dolphins will wear a plush gray dolphin outfit accented with a fuchsia thong and the Chicago Buccaneers will play in era authentic pirate costumes complete with a peg leg and hook for a hand).

“We think we have found the right balance for what we can afford and what the fans want to see,” said Commissioner Adam Sandler.

Radhouse added, “they say there is no ‘I’ in team, but there is no question that there is an ‘I’ in profit...also in stupid.”

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer