Donald Rumsfeld Redefines "Insurgent", Issues "Donald Rumsfeld Guide"

Washington, D.C, January 2, 2006 -- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, apparently dissatisfied with the current American vernacular's inadequacy in consistently reflecting his own ideological positions, has issued a new pamphlet entitled Donald's Dictionary: The Donald Rumsfeld Guide To Positive Speaking. The Secretary of Defense said he hopes this word usage guide will help "keep the conversation on the right track, any deviation from which will only aide and abet the enemy".

Avant News, which has obtained an advance copy of Donald's Dictionary: The Donald Rumsfeld Guide To Positive Speaking, hereby provides a number of key excerpts:

Insurgent – Ranked "not appropriate" in the Donald Rumsfeld Guide for use in describing Iraqi insurgents. Proposed replacements: "enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government; dead-enders; wrenches in the works; opinion poll gremlins". "Legitimate Iraqi government" is defined in turn as "any government, legitimate or otherwise, officially sanctioned by the President of the United States".

War on terror – Verboten. Seen by Rumsfeld as too diffuse. Replaced in Donald Rumsfeld Guide by "global struggle against violent extremism" (or GSAVE, pronounced "Jesus Saves"). The Rumsfeld Guide suggestion differs in some respects from that of George W. Bush, who offers "the struggle against idealogical extremists who do not believe in free societies, who happen to use terror as a weapon to try to shake the conscience of the free world".

No-bid contracts – Seen by Rumsfeld as overly evocative of images of entitlement and corruption which, while doubtless accurate, may carry negative connotations among some Americans. Replaced in Donald Rumsfeld Guide by "precision-targeted military appropriations"; "friends helping friends fight foes"; or "Cheneynigans".

Iraq War – Much too categorical and definitive. War implies a specific beginning, a specific goal, and a specific end. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide suggests "eternal sunshine of the spotless Middle Eastern intervention".

Exit strategy – The Donald Rumsfeld Guide suggests this be stricken altogether. An exit strategy implies a specific end, the merest hint of which would merely aide the cause of the enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government (see above: Iraq War and Insurgent).

Civilian casualties – Definite no-no. The former euphemism collateral damage is also too widely understood and is by now virtually synonymous. Both terms imply some degree of error or carelessness with human life on the part of the occupying force. Just as Saddam Hussein was unable to prove he did not have WMD, no civilians can categorically prove that they neither have nor will ever have any current or future intention of joining the Iraqi resistance, therefore the Donald Rumsfeld Guide recommends defining civilian casualties as "physically decommissioned potential enemies of the legitimate Iraqi government".

Soldier – Not helpful. Soldier evokes the concept of an individual who may have a family, parents, children, loved ones, any or all of whom may be deeply saddened if that soldier should be killed or wounded. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide suggests "organic carbon-based military unit", a term Defense Department focus group testing has determined carries only 8-12% of the emotional impact.

Defense Department – Too limited in scope. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide recommends "Universal Command, Purchasing and Covert Operations Center" (UCPCOC).

Afghan heroin production – Too negative. Seen as suggesting a failure on the part of the American forces to install and properly support an Afghani government that could effectively limit the main source of income for anti-American warlords. Suggested Donald Rumsfeld Guide replacement: "poppy-based cottage pharmaceutical industry".

Chemical weapons – Too prone to confusion, due to the fine line that differentiates "our" chemical weapons from "their" chemical weapons. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide recommends "scientific freedom products" for use when talking about "ours".

Coerced interrogation – Torture. Clearly the two are one and the same. Since the United States forces would never engage in or facilitate torture, the Donald Rumsfeld Guide recommends the yoga-inspired phrase "stringent mind-body relaxation and information retrieval techniques" to describe torture engaged in or facilitated by United States forces.

Hunger strike – Very inappropriate, particularly when used in conjunction with the description of hunger-striking "enemy combatants" or "detainees" at Guantanamo. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide suggests "voluntary sustenance abstention"; "love-handle reduction"; or "seasonal dietary variability".

WMD – Formerly used as an acronym for "Weapons of Mass Destruction". Stricken in the Donald Rumsfeld Guide, as not relevant to eternal sunshine of the spotless Middle Eastern intervention.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

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