George W. Bush Files For Chapter 11 Moral Bankruptcy Protection
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2006 -- The Bush administration has filed for Chapter 11 moral bankruptcy protection, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today. The unusual move, Mr. McClellan explained, is in reaction to the growing spate of scandals that have brought presidential stock in both national and international markets to the brink of collapse.
The filing will protect the Bush administration from moral creditors while a court-appointed ethical overseer evaluates the administration's moral debt.
"With presidential stock in free fall, a Chapter 11 moral bankruptcy filing seemed to be the only way to appease our creditors while still protecting the interests of our most important investors," McMcClellan said, referring in the latter case to the gun lobby, the anti-gay lobby, the chemical, nuclear, tobacco, gambling, oil, gas, coal, weapons, pharmaceutical and healthcare industries, radical right-wing religious conservatives, and the burgeoning torture industry, among others, all of whom hold significant financial and ideological stakes in the Bush presidency.
"There comes a time when your moral debt to society is simply too staggeringly large for normal operations to continue," said Mr. McClellan. "The Chapter 11 filing will grant us protection while we attempt to redress that imbalance."
Mr. McClellan said the administration hopes to have the popular Jesus of Nazareth, a widely recognized expert on moral issues whom many consider to be the son of God, appointed by the court as an independent arbitrator.
"If we get Jesus, I think the Chapter 11 process could be pretty painless," said Mr. McClellan. "He's known for forgiving debts, absolving people of sin, all that kind of malarkey. Our hope is that we can perform a minor internal reorganization while Jesus erases our moral debts with as little disruption to day-to-day operations as possible, then get right back to business."
While operating under Chapter 11 moral bankruptcy protection, the Bush administration will be effectively shielded from any legal claims arising from its immoral or amoral behavior, including such crimes as making a false case for the invasion of Iraq, flaunting international law and treaties, promoting torture, destroying the environment, deregulating harmful industries, stealing from the poor to provide for the rich, and so forth.
"Admittedly, Jesus might have some issues with a few of those things," said Mr. McClellan, "particularly the torture thing, what with the crucifixion and all, and the stealing from the poor, which, I believe, based on a quick scan of the New Testament fact sheet, he might have been opposed to. But we think by and large He'll be merciful."
If the Bush administration's moral debt is found to exceed its assets, ownership of the White House and the Congress will under the terms of Chapter 11 be transferred to its principal creditors, in this case the citizens of the United States.
"Obviously, that's a worst-case scenario," said Mr. McClellan, "but if it happens, we're standing ready to mobilize the military."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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