Innovative Weight Loss Book No Page-Turner

New York, September 9, 2010 -- With a diverse range of radically similar weight loss programs topping the bestseller charts this publishing season, finding a winner can be as hard as squeezing the creamy filling from an éclair while driving. Two titles, however, stand out from the pulpy mass: the innovative debut diet offering by Rod Sharpely, "40 lb.", and Augustus Phloughlop's popular "Eat Shit and Die", sequel to the 49-week number one bestseller of last year, "Drive to Your Car".

Before we get to these effective guides to keeping trim, though, we'll take a few minutes to loll on the sofa with a snack and dip into the other offerings.

Topping the list briefly this season before dropping to number ten, Vera Smutty's "Tantric Svelte" suggests by means of its racy cover and laminated pages a slimming regimen based on constant promiscuous sexual activity. A deeper exploration, however, reveals that the Smutty approach is chiefly focused on losing weight through sitting on the floor and humming. We tried it for the better part of the afternoon with no appreciable results beyond an interesting vibration effect in our teeth, and after our initial excitement are forced to give the work a spare tire.

At positions three through nine inclusive, we find numerous "silver bullet" dietary programs based on the suggestion that innumerable pounds can be shed simply by eliminating from or adding to one's diet one single consumable. These include such titles as "Cut the Cheese", "Chew the Fat," and "The Power of Crust Compels You", none of which have anything particularly new to offer the seasoned weight-loss veteran.

Happily, though, the two chart-toppers, jockeying belly-to-belly Sumo-style for first placement, do offer innovative approaches to obesity alleviation.

Rod Sharpely's "40 lb." is perhaps the shortest and most unusual of the mass. A book with no pages, "40 lb." consists of a single, forty-pound block of granite encased in a comfortable rubber pouch featuring two large shoulder straps. The entire text of the book is written on the front cover. "Walk three miles per day carrying this book. Get some sleep. Eat in. (No junk food.)" This untried, novel, breakthrough concept may just be the Holy Grail for recidivist fatties, and research performed by Sharpely's dietary institute suggests remarkable results.

"For those who have stuck with our program for a month or more, we've seen weight loss in over 90 percent," said Sharpely during the book's launch party at Barnes & Noble last month. "Try it, stick to it, you can't lose. As in, lose the race, the contest. Metaphorically. You can lose weight by trying it. You can't lose in the sense of failing to lose weight, I mean. People are so stupid."

By contrast, Sharpely's main competitor for first place, "Eat Shit and Die", offers an entirely different approach that promises equally impressive results.

"My books tells people to eat as much of whatever the hell they want, whenever they want, as often as they want. It's an approach that we've found resonates remarkably well with the American consumer," said author Phloughlop, who is currently recovering from his third quintuple bypass operation. "We also recommend that you sit around doing nothing for at least 14 hours per day. Want to change the channel and can't find the remote? Take a nap. Long driveway? Tie the mailbox to a string and reel it in when you want to get the mail. Consumption is everyone's favorite panacea, and that's good enough for me."

Phloughlop's work recommends eating "whenever you get hungry, bored, or unhappy, or if you just happen to be walking around. Try a McFatty for breakfast, and why not top it off with a Porky Meal before dessert? Our way of life is a blessed one."

According to Phloughlop, virtually all readers who rigorously followed his weight-loss program experienced dramatic losses with near-zero "flab-back". Some critical observers have questioned his unconventional statistical methods, however.

"What we do is to measure weight loss over a thirty- to eighty-year window, depending on the age of the subject," said Phloughlop. "That give us a more accurate long-term picture of the weight matrix. To make sure our results are accurate, we follow a subject from his or her commencement of my program right up until 12 months following death. Overall, we've seen reductions up to 70 percent of total body mass. 99.2 percent if they select cremation."

Both books are on sale now at your local bookstore, or can be ordered via the internet if you're too tired to leave the house.

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor