Mitt Romney Campaign Reportedly Sought HGH from John McCain Campaign
Duluth, February 3, 2008 -- A humiliated senior advisor to the Mitt Romney for President campaign admitted yesterday that he on several occasions had “tried to score” HGH, human growth hormone, from members of the John McCain campaign.
The advisor, who agreed to talk to reporters on the condition that he not be identified, said the HGH was not intended for his own use, but rather for Mr. Romney himself, whom the advisor described as a “first-class weenie”.
The attempts to purchase the substance, which is rumored to enhance both muscularity and testosterone levels in males, as well as the appearance of resolve and purposefulness, were first revealed by members of the John McCain campaign who had been discreetly approached by the Romney advisor on several occasions, usually in conjunction with debates or overlapping campaign appearances.
“Yeah, it happened again during the last Republican debate in Florida,” Jacob Marshfield, a top member of John McCain's campaign, said. “John and Mitt and those other guys, Rudy Tuesday and Huckstable and that weird libertarian dude were all going at it on stage when this really stiff, natty, square-jawed dude in a $3,000 suit sort of sidles up and whispers 'I beg your pardon. Do you happen to have any human growth hormone?' in this really prissy, preppy, pansy-assed kind of way. It took me a minute to realize he was, like, one of Mitt's top dudes.”
The Mitt Romney advisor, who said he “deeply regretted” his error, explained that the Romney campaign was suffering from a lack of what he termed “mojo”.
“We needed the HGH to get some mojo for Mitt,” he said. “I mean, consider the situation. John McCain is redolent with honesty and energy and integrity and war heroism and ethics, and he has Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger in his corner. Whereas our lad is a two-faced opportunistic wanker with the genuineness and animal magnetism of a lint ball, no offense intended.”
“Mitt said that if we could buff him up a little, perhaps juice him with a little something, it's possible he'd be able to turn things around. We deemed the effort worthwhile. And with Sly and Arnold around, we were certain there would be an ample supply available.”
The advisor said that he had failed in his several attempts to convince McCain campaign workers to help him enhance Romney and that, to his knowledge, Mr. Romney had not yet ingested any performance-, personality-, or policy-enhancing substances.
“That should be fairly obvious,” the advisor said.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Elections Correspondent
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