Greeting Card Writer Joins Bush Staff

Washington, D.C. February 22, 2006 -- Due to the recent spate of early resignations and arrests, the Bush administration has been crippled by a lack of experienced staff in key positions. Scott McClellan today announced that the search for an experienced deputy chief of staff to replace the convicted Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove would be former greeting card writer Sherman Alberts.

“Nobody can claim that this appointment was laced with any cronyism,” stated a flustered McClellan at today’s White House press briefing. “The president had read some of Mr. Alberts’ work before and was very impressed with the message he was able to get across in a short, crisp manner.”

Message is what the Bush Administration has been lacking lately. Rove, who has been widely cited as the “brain behind the bum,” was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison resulting from his leaking of the CIA identity of Valerie Plame in last year’s Plamegate scandal. Without Karl Rove at the helm, many political insiders said that the administration has been in a tailspin. In early November, when it became evident that Karl Rove would likely be convicted, President Bush delegated a high-level task force to find him someone who could help him get his simple message across and who had no skeletons in their closet. For obvious reasons the search had to be undertaken outside the arena of friends and associates of the Bush family.

“Mr. Alberts was high on our list from the start as there aren’t really too many people out there without any major skeletons in their closet – nobody I’ve ever met, at least,” stated Karen Hughes, a longtime Bush confidant and a member of the high level task force assigned to find the Rove replacement.

The apparently squeaky clean Alberts has penned such timeless Hallmark classics as:

“Oh, look at you. Now you are two. By yourself you can poo. We are so proud of you!”

and

“Oh, look at ye. Now you are three. By yourself you can pee. We are so proud of thee!”

Washington Post reporter Katherine Rutledge reported that the belated birthday card sent from Harriet Miers to then Governor Bush in 1997 was a typical work of Alberts that read: This is the wish that should have been sent/before your birthday came and went. Also, it appears that the Christmas card sent from the first family to the bin Laden family was a work of Mr. Alberts.

“Perhaps they did not know him [Alberts], but they definitely knew his work,” Rutledge confirmed. Rutledge went on: “Of course, the Alberts choice was probably smart, since with this president you cannot get too complicated. Just ask Rove what happens then.”

No announcement was made regarding a replacement for Vice President Dick Cheney’s convicted former Chief of Staff Scooter “Looter Scabby” Libby.

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer