Astrologers Lead Move to Shift Earth Three Feet to the Left
Fleetwood, Montana, April 19, 2010 -- The world's leading astrological organization is spearheading a movement urging that the Earth be shifted roughly three feet to the left to correct what the group calls a "slight predictive orbital discrepancy". By marginally adjusting the Earth's orbit, the group hopes to improve its overall predictive accuracy which is currently running at a rate just below that achieved by a standard monkey throwing darts at a prediction-covered wall.
The group, the International Society of Celestial Prognosticators, has gained international prominence in recent years with the introduction of Astrology to most American public school science curriculums, where it joins with Creationism (also known as Intelligent Design) in accordance with the 2008 passage of the Scientific Method Expulsion Act by faith-based majority lawmakers.
The ISCP, in moving the Earth just a tad to the left, hopes to "tweak the alignment of the planets just a nudge," according to Flower Facebubble, the organization's chairman.
"Many of us in the zodiac-based scientific community have been missing the mark in recent years with our predictions," said Mr. Facebubble. "In order to compensate, we've had to grow vaguer and vaguer until the predictions we publish resemble little else than what you might read in a Chinese fortune cookie, only less specific. That's kind of given the community a black eye."
Mr. Facebubble said the reason behind the recent discrepancies lies primarily in a slight misalignment of the Earth's orbit caused, he posits, by an overabundance of rocket launches on one side of the globe.
"There've been too many satellites and rockets going up in the Western hemisphere," Mr. Facebubble said. "All those rockets and boosters and stuff have pushed the Earth a little bit too far to the right, thus rendering most of our calculations, which have to do with precise readings of the positions of celestial objects millions of lightyears away and interpretations of how those positions and alignments effect the minutiae of everyday individual human existence, virtually useless."
Mr. Facebubble and the ISCP propose that a "giant rocket" be built on "about the other side of the planet from the place where all those rocket launches come from" and fired continuously over a period of roughly three months.
"That should put the earth back where it belongs, and we can get back to business," said Mr. Facebubble.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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