World's Oldest Person Not Yet Dead
Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.
Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."
Jeffrey Archangel, 128, who became the world's oldest person following the demise of the former world champion, Ms. Eleanor Micklebuckle, while this article was being composed, said he was "pleased and delighted to have finally wrangled the title out of that desiccated old fruitcake."
"Eleanor 'Looky-me, I'm older 'n' hell' Micklebuckle has just about been the bane of my life since old shriveled Audrey Purdue finally kicked the bucket two weeks ago, giving me a solid second place position," Mr. Archangel, who worked as a welder on the production line for the Ford Edsel prior to retiring in 1960, said. "I can't say I'm glad she's dead, but I ain't doing no moaning about it, neither. Now if I can just hold out until my twin brother, Kirk Archangel, cashes in his chips."
The world's oldest person, Kirk Archangel, 128, reached via teleprompter at his home, The Saintly Haven Rest Stop in Bloomington, Indiana, said he was "kind of broken up that brother Jeff finally called it a day, but he was an ornery bastard so the world ain't exactly no worse off."
Mr. Archangel, a retired Grape Nehi taste tester who postdated former world champion old person Jeffrey Archangel, now deceased, by seven minutes, said he had "a long list of things still need doing."
"McDonald's got that new McWhale blubber sandwich out," Mr. Archangel said. "I ain't tried that yet, for example. Plus a lot of other stuff. That show 24 still going?"
The current world's oldest person, Geraldine Putt, 127, who acquired the title some minutes ago following Kirk Archangel's premature demise from asphyxiation on a poorly chewed clump of whale blubber, could not be reached for comment as she is currently deceased.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
- In Wake of Dr. Tiller Murder, Pro-Life Movement Sets Up Camp in Pakistan
- Somali Pirates Hijack International Space Station
- China First With Citizen RFID Implants
- Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
- Ecuadorean Peasant Named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive
- Rapture Delayed Due to "Technical Issues"
- Al-Qaeda Hires Blackwater
- Study Suggests Soul Sale Obesity Panacea
- Aliens Announce Completion of Human Observation and Research Program