Harriet Miers Out, Britney Spears In for Supreme Court Justice

Washington, D.C., January 4, 2006 -- Britney Spears will be the new Bush nominee for Supreme Court Justice, replacing Harriet Miers, whose nomination was recently withdrawn in the face of overwhelming bipartisan public sniggering. Close observers of the Miers fracas have pointed out that Bush's withdrawal of Miers' nomination was actually little more than a technicality, given that the Senate, in a rare moment of bipartisanship, had already voted 93-7 against confirmation last November.

The new nomination was announced by President Bush during a short hiatus in this morning's press flapdoodle with Scott McClellan on Air Force One. President Bush said that Spears, who is an expert in rhythmic "dancercise" and has achieved notable success marketing recorded entertainment to the under-14 WASP demographic, will make "a real good judge". While the choice of Washington outsider Britney Spears is clearly intended to help deflect growing accusations of cronyism and insideropeia within the Bush administration, pundits on both sides of the aisle nevertheless predict an uphill confirmation climb for the youthful entertainer.

Britney Spears, who joined the nomination announcement via video uplink, said she was "totally excited" about the opportunity. "This is like so cool," said Ms. Spears. "I mean, like, the Superior Court and everything. It's like a dream come true. I mean for somebody, I guess."

Britney Spears has long been recognized as one of President Bush's most reliably sycophantic entertainers. The young superstar is a frequent visitor to both the White House and President Bush's Crawford estate, and says she "really looks forward to meeting Laura someday". Her number one single, "Oops! … I did it again" was reportedly a reflection on her state of mind after casting her vote for President Bush's reelection in 2004. She has frequently expressed her fervent admiration for President Bush, whom she regards as "dope".

A synthetic bio-product of the Disney Corporation's groundbreaking "Klon-Pop" Factory, the home-schooled Ms. Spears was already a smash sensation on the Disney Channel's Mickey Mouse Club, where she was adored by fans for her bounciness and squeakiness, by the age of 11. Her pop singing career exploded in 1999 with the release of debut album "Baby One More End Rhyme", killing six and injuring fourteen. Ms. Spears has also lent her name to a popular adult fragrance, Phantazy, and recently gave birth to a human child, Sean Preston Mantis Walker Spears.

"The Walker's for Walker, Texas Ranger, not for the president, even though I like totally worship both of them," Ms. Spears explained at the press conference announcing the child's addition to the Spears entourage last fall.

Despite her unquestionably impressive resume, many pundits and lawmakers are worried that President Bush may have succumbed to yet another lapse in judgment with the nomination of Ms. Spears. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, however, was quick to launch a preemptive attack against any potential criticism that the nominee may be underqualified for the prestigious post.

"The president has the utmost confidence in Ms. Spears' ability to serve as the ninth member of the Supreme Court," Mr. McClellan said during the press flapdoodle. "The president knows her intimately, and describes her as possessing a lilting contralto. The nominee also has a great deal of experience in matters of law, having spent years negotiating recording contracts with some of the hardest-boiled eggs in the business, and if that's not a trial by fire, then I don't know what is."

In response to follow-up questioning, Mr. McClellan admitted that many of Britney Spears' recording contracts were in fact negotiated with the aide of lawyers.

The Senate Judicial Committee plans to commence deliberations on the Spears nomination by early February, in the event that a vacant slot can be located in Spears' tour schedule. President Bush said he hopes for "a real quick confirming for this smart lady".

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor