Limbo Eliminated; Status of Purgatory in 'State of Limbo'

Rome, Italy February 12, 2006 -- The new catechism of Roman Catholic doctrine that did away with Limbo and was approved by Pope Benedict XVI in the middle of December 2005 threw the state of Limbo into a state of chaos. This catechism changing the eternal residence for those souls included in both the Limbo of the Fathers (limbus partum) and Limbo of Children (limbus infantium) by moving them straight to Heaven has left many souls wondering what happened and why.

Jennifer Aniston Breaks Wind

Los Angeles, June 12, 2009 -- Jennifer Aniston reportedly broke wind last Thursday shortly after completing an afternoon snack that may have included rice crackers and cottage cheese, leading to speculation that the highly visible television and film actress may break wind again at some point in the near or distant future. An unidentified companion who was observed dining with Jennifer Aniston at the time did not react visibly to the occurrence. Jennifer Aniston was unavailable for comment on this dramatic bombshell.

Gay Anti-War Immigrant Shoots Friend of Vice President Dick Cheney

Armstrong, Texas, February 15, 2007 -- A gay immigrant anti-war activist hunting together with Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot and seriously wounded a member of their party earlier this week in what has been termed an "alleged hunting accident".

28-gauge Perazzi shotgun similar to the one used by Mr. Thimbles to shoot Vice President Cheney's friend Harry Whittington28-gauge Perazzi shotgun similar to the one used by Mr. Thimbles to shoot Vice President Cheney's friend Harry Whittington

Turns Out God Doesn't Particularly Care About Humans

Munich, November 2, 2019 -- The re-examination of a previously explored RNA genome code found on a rhinovirus, one of the class of viruses that cause the common cold, has revealed the surprising discovery that God is apparently not particularly interested in human beings at all, despite widespread belief to the contrary.

Human rhinovirus containing coded messages from GodHuman rhinovirus containing coded messages from God

In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch

Alexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008 -- Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was intended to dispel accusations by rivals that the political veteran may possess dangerously moderate tendencies.

The witch, a suburban mother of two who was found not only to have been a subscriber to The Nation magazine but who also enjoyed listening to Melissa Etheridge, was unavailable for comment following her reduction to a lump of liberal carbon by Mr. McCain.

No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge Signers In Right to Die Dilemma

Washington, D.C., June 29, 2007 -- Several of the small group of stem cell research opponents who signed the controversial "No Stem Cell Treatment Pledge" last fall are now embroiled in a legal dilemma since contracting various terminal diseases, all of which can be easily cured using medical procedures developed through embryonic stem cell research.

McDonald's Launches the McCockroach

Oak Brook, Illinois, April 12, 2096 -- McDonald's restaurants, responding to customer demand for healthier and more varied cuisine, have announced a new assortment of culinary selections, the McCockroach Collection.

New McDonald's McCockroach Big Bug BiteNew McDonald's McCockroach Big Bug Bite

The McCockroach will be test-launched at select franchises in three major metropolitan areas over the next five weeks, to be followed by a nationwide rollout heralded by an unprecedented 12-media crossover advertising campaign.

Additional Abu Ghraib Images Surface

Washington, DC, November 2, 2006 -- Just days before the U.S. midterm elections, previously unpublished images of abuse of Iraqi prisoners inside the U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad have surfaced. This represents the fourth time this year that Abu Ghraib torture images have been published and the timing could not have been worse for an already crippled Bush administration hoping to maintain what little hold they currently have on Congress.

Surprise Rapture Disrupts Bush's 2007 State of the Union Address

Washington, D.C., January 24, 2007 -- President Bush's 2007 State of the Union address bumped into an unexpected snag with the "rapturing" of approximately 150,000 Fundamentalist Christians yesterday, Washington sources said.

Remains of raptured former Bush supportersRemains of raptured former Bush supporters

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