Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" in 2006 House, Senate Midterm Elections
San Diego, November 9, 2006 -- Following the resounding defeat of Republican candidates in the 2006 midterm elections, President Bush hailed his party's victory during an epic speech this morning.
President Bush congratulates GOP candidates on victory following their defeat in the 2006 elections
Organic Windows Vista Virus Can Target Computers Even When Powered Down
Bolton, Wyoming, March 29, 2007 -- A new threat affecting Microsoft Windows Vista, the widely anticipated operating system already plagued by major bug issues and release delays, may seriously limit industry rollout, security analysts said today.
Closeup of the Vista Dysentery.Net-Worm virus
Cognitive Dissonance May Provide Cure To Non-Existent Global Warming
Albuquerque, January 10, 2011 -- Scientists at the respected Gray Matter Thinkorium in Albuquerque, New Mexico announced today the first successful test of a dramatic new method for generating clean, renewable energy using excess power from the human brain.
The technique, dubbed Neural Oscillatory Telegenesis (NOT), employs, in the words of chief researcher Alonzo Pinq, "cognitive dissonance, the source of a nearly constant supply of powerful, unused human brainwave activity" to generate virtually limitless quantities of emissions-free electricity.
In Surprise About-Face, Bill Clinton Backs Obama
Chicago, February 5, 2008 -- Astounding political pundits from Anchorage to Miami, former president Bill Clinton has rescinded his endorsement of spouse Hillary Clinton in favor of rock star Senator Barack Obama.
The endorsement, which some believe may create friction in the suburban Chappaqua home of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was explained by the former president as "a case of conscience over comfort."
Fox Network Reality Show Lineup Reaches Critical Mass, Causing Massive Explosion
Los Angeles, August 22, 2006 -- Several buildings were damaged when a huge explosion rocked the Fox Entertainment pap-production compound in Los Angeles yesterday. A preliminary analysis of the debris by the Los Angeles County Explosive Ordnance Unit determined that the explosion was not caused by a terrorist act, as was first feared, but was rather triggered by the inadvertent attainment of "reality show critical mass" by the studio.
Iraqi President Bush May Be Stoned For Blasphemy
Baghdad, Iraq, March 12, 2012 -- Iraqi President George W. Bush is currently in perhaps the most pressing peril of his long political career following a conviction by the highest religious court of Iraq for blasphemy, a crime punishable by death under Iraq's strict Sharia law. Under the ruling, President Bush is scheduled to be executed via public stoning before the next full moon, expected March 30. A spokesman for Bush stated he plans to appeal the ruling.
GOP Moves to Add Nine Months to Official Age of Americans
Washington, D.C., August 22, 2008 -- A powerful anti-abortion phalanx of the Republican congressional majority has launched an initiative toward redefining age based on the group's fundamental "life begins at conception" premise. The initiative, if passed, will have the effect of adding approximately nine months to the official age of every American.
Electricity Found to Cause Massive Brain Cell Loss
Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 19, 2014 -- A sweeping two-part study of the effects of electricity on the human body has concluded that short- or long-term exposure to the phenomena may be responsible for the untimely demise of millions of brain cells.
A brain
The study also brings scientists to the disturbing conclusion, described by coordinators as "shocking", that most humans are unwilling to alter their behavior to prevent damage to their primary brain functions, even when made aware of the causes of that damage
Study Suggests Soul Sale Obesity Panacea
Palo Alto, California, August 12, 2022 -- A team of metaphysical researchers announced today a discovery that may provide a quick, painless, unexpected cure for chronic obesity. The dramatic conclusions were made public following the completion of a three-year study focused on determining the weight of human souls.
Human soul (detail)
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