New Creationism Law Flaws Diamond Markets
Johannesburg, April 9, 2011 -- Following the recent successful passage of the controversial Creation Law bill in the United States, an unexpected scientific wrinkle emerged as a consequence that has sent international diamond markets into a dramatic tailspin.
Shiny object formerly known as natural diamond
Top Spammers Launch Internet Bank/Pharmacy
Cyberspace, April 16, 2014 -- An international coalition of leading email spammers announced today the launch of the first combined web-based virtual bank/pharmacy. The launch was made public through a proactive marketing campaign consisting of 19.6 trillion personal email messages with subject lines such as "Fw: Cia:|is & Via:gra", "RE:RE We want approve yours loan osd" and "Diamond Equities pseudotropine wyoming spiffily" delivered directly to the inboxes of grateful consumers.
Final Drafts of William Shakespeare's Manuscripts Found
Stratford-Upon-Avon, June 16, 2044 -- In the remains of a demolished pub on the outskirts of Stratford-Upon-Avon, a group of amateur archeologists have uncovered what may be the most sensational literary discovery of the century.
William Shakespeare. Good writer, bad editor.
Mel Gibson to Change Name from Mel Gibson to Mel Gibson
Hollywood, California, March 12, 2007 -- Mel Gibson, the Hollywood superstar whose characteristically anti-Semitic remarks caused a media frenzy last summer, announced he will be changing his name from Mel Gibson to "Mel Gibson" as an act of atonement.
The artist formerly known as "Mel Gibson", now to be referred to as "Mel Gibson"
President Clinton Jails 938,000 Illegal Enemy Combatants
Washington, D.C., February 2, 2009 -- A mere two weeks into her tenure, President Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced a sweeping roundup of illegal enemy combatants, the first step in a comprehensive program designed to protect the American people from potential terrorist activities.
In accordance with the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the nearly one million detainees will be held indefinitely without trial or recourse to legal counsel until such time as the President determines they no longer pose a threat to the United States and its allies.
FBI to Test Televised Sting Operation with Who Wants to Be a Terrorist
New York, July 24, 2008 -- The FBI has announced an innovative plan to root out potential evildoers with the launch of the new game show, Who Wants to Be a Terrorist. The show, the first nationwide televised sting operation of its kind, is expected to result in "between zero to one arrests of confirmed terrorists or terrorist sympathizers per episode", according to Johnny Pistol, FBI Deputy Director.
3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations
Washington, D.C., December 6, 2016 -- The 3rd Iraq Study Group Report, delivered by its distinguished panel to the president and released to the American public today, calls for "an iterative process of –izing things, with the order of –izations to be varied both stochastically and in accordance with prevailing conditions on the ground." Excerpts from the Executive Summary of the 3rd Iraq Study Group Report follow:
3rd Iraq Study Group Report
Letter from the Co-Chairs
Windows Vista Startup Music Designed on Macs
Seattle, February 27, 2007 -- Microsoft Corporation refused to comment today on the embarrassing revelation that the new Windows Vista "startup music", the musical vignette that is played to calm and distract users while waiting for the operating system to boot up, was created exclusively on Apple computer systems.
Windows Vista logo
The inflammatory tidbit was reportedly let slip during an off-the-record interview of a composer on the 20-member team that worked for 18 months to create the harmonic snippet.
China First With Citizen RFID Implants
Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China."
The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.
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