Bush Announces Global Air Conditioner Initiative

Washington, D.C., February 28, 2006 -- Following the near-complete destruction of the White House last week in Hurricane Florence, President Bush performed a virtual about-face and announced today a new proactive administration position on what he termed "the war against earth heating". To spearhead the high-priority effort, the Bush Administration plans to engage in a set of immediate practical policies defined collectively as the "Global Air Conditioner Initiative." The following is a transcript of the president's remarks from the White House Rose Garden, now located in the Reflecting Pool by the Lincoln Memorial.

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THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I hope you're all comfortable here on the lawn, there's enough room for everybody. Lincoln Memorial. Hey, I can see my house from here. (Laughter.) You guys standing in the pool, watch out for sharks. They'll bite your behinds. (Laughter.) Heh. Heh. No sharks in that pool. It's too shallow! (Applause and laughter.)

I'm glad you could all be here today, to hear about this important new initiative I'm going to tell you about. And make no mistake, it's an impotent, it's an important initiative. It's important for all of us Americans, right here in the United States and all over the country. First I want to thank the folks over at Arco, at Argonne National Labs who worked real hard this week on figuring out a way to work with this problem, they worked real hard on it. So God bless them, they worked real hard. (Applause.)

When the White House got knocked down by that storm last week, I know I was thinking just what you were most likely thinking. I was thinking I was glad I wasn't there. (Laughter.) I was on vacation in Crawford, in my ranch in Crawford, and if I wouldn't have been on vacation on my ranch, maybe Dick Cheney would be the president right now. So I know you're glad too. (Laughter.)

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: (Unintelligible.)

THE PRESIDENT: All right. But I was also thinking something else. When the White House got knocked down, I was thinking it was a sign. It was a sign when we got Hurricane Florence already in February, and it was a sign when Florence knocked over my house. I know when something's a sign.

What it's a sign of is something we in the United States government have been working real hard on thinking about for a long time, and that's something you're going to have to work real hard on too, and what that is, is that's earth heating. What our people found out is there's earth heating going on, and it's messing with the weather. It's making the weather change. And it's making it change not just here, but other places too. And sometimes it's bad changes, like last week.

So we've been working real hard this week to find something to do about it, our people at Arco have been working, Argonne, working on a solution, and we found one. We found one. (Applause.) Only took a week! (Laughter.)

What we're going to do is we've got to cool down the earth so the earth heating won't make the weather change. So Hurricane Florence won't knock over your house, or the house your family or loved ones lives in. So what I'm announcing today is a supplementary budget request for our Global Air Conditioner Initiative. We're going to war with earth heating. We're going to cool down the earth. (Applause.)

Starting right away, we're going to fight the war on earth heating with air conditioners. You ever been inside the White House summertime? On a summer day, when it's hot as… real hot? Inside it's nice and cool. You could sit around all day inside and never know it was hot out. You know why? 'Cause of air conditioners.

So we're going to build big air conditioners, real big and we're going to put them in a lot of places in the earth, and we're going to use them to win the war against earth heating. (Applause.)

So maybe you're wondering, how we going to run them? Air conditioners need a lot a energy, and we got a energy crisis, a expensive energy situation. We're going to run them with coal. There's a lot of coal in the ground, right there in the ground, and we're going to dig it up and we're going to use it to run the air conditioners in the war against earth heating. (Applause.)

And we got Freon. Freon's a cold, a gas makes things cold, the Dupont company makes it. Well, the government's going to buy Freon from the Dupont company for the air conditioners and the Dupont company's going to sell it, and it's going to buy a lot of coal. And we're going to cool down the earth with these coal-powered big Freon air conditioners, and we're going to win the war against earth heating. (Applause.) Make no mistake about it, we're going to win. (Applause.)

Is it going to cost money? You bet. But one thing that's important to me, that's real important to me, that's protecting the innocent lives of my loved ones and family, 'cause I believe in a culture of life, and if that's got to cost some money, that's too bad. (Applause.) 'Cause this is a war, it's a war against earth heating, and we're going to win it. (Applause.) We're going to win the war against earth heating with air conditioners. (Applause.)

Thank you, and God bless America. (Applause.)

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By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor