President Bush Pardons Lewis "Scooter" Libby

Washington, D.C., December 23, 2005 -- Lewis "Scooter" Libby was pardoned today in a surprise announcement by President George W. Bush. Libby, who had been indicted on five felony counts for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, and one misdemeanor charge involving an altercation with two lesbian cheerleaders, said "Yeah. Like I didn't see that one coming."

President Bush stated that he had decided to pardon Libby, whose case has yet to come to trial, preemptively in order that "the nation can get back to its real business," declining to elaborate on what that business is other than to hint it includes "reapportionment of capital from the less to the more deserving, as determined by wealth".

Lewis Libby's pardon immediately raised speculation that additional presidential pardons may be handed out for other high-profile Bush administration members and insiders currently under indictment or investigation, including Vice President Dick Cheney, presidential advisor Karl Rove, Congressman Tom DeLay, Senator Bill Frist, lobbyist Jack Abramoff, former procurement officer David Safavian, and a host of others.

"We got to erode this culture of persecution," said President Bush, who wore a symbolic black and white "prison stripes" outfit for the occasion of the announcement this morning in the White House Rose Garden. "I'm starting with a blanket pardon for Scooter Libby, who I know is a real hard worker and who probably didn't do anything wrong, and if he did, I'm sure he's learned his lesson and I'm going to forgive him and the American people should, too. Merry Christmas, Scooter. You come on home now."

Lewis "Scooter" Libby, who was immediately reinstated as chief of staff for Vice President Cheney following Bush's announcement, is currently being held by the Metro Police under suspicion of having robbed a liquor store on his way back to the White House early this afternoon.

"I think the pardon is supposed to apply to that, too," Mr. Libby said, speaking by cell phone from the Washington, D.C. 2nd Police District station.

Libby's pardon raised the hackles of special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who led the two-year investigation that resulted in Libby's indictment.

"It's complete horse excreta," said the blunt-spoken prosecutor, "but frankly, I would have been more surprised if the lying rat-bastard brown-noser didn't get off the hook. At least the Chicago criminals have a little dignity."

A team of Republican senators led by Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is now attempting to have Patrick Fitzgerald arrested for "sustained harassment and pestering" of Mr. Libby. A civil suit has also been filed against the special prosecutor by lawyers for Mr. Libby seeking damages for "emotional stress and foot trauma" associated with the exposure and subsequent reprinting of Mr. Libby's widely derided fictional novel, The Apprentice.

Libby's novel, which he claims is not autobiographical, features incest, a hunter who considers whether to engage in an act of bestial necrophilia with a freshly killed deer before it gets cold, and a girl who is kept in a cage and raped by a bear to train her to become a prostitute.

"It's not the pure pulp you'd expect from a hack like Bill O'Reilly," says Libby, "although both of us are admittedly experts at creating and sustaining fictional scenarios. That's the nature of our work."

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor