Rush Limbaugh Volunteers for Iraq Tour of Duty
New York, March 12, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the well-known syndicated right-wing radio "dissonance-jockey" and top cheerleader for the ongoing Iraq war, has volunteered to serve an initial 12-month tour of active combat duty in Iraq.
The gesture, according to Rush Limbaugh, primary spokesman for Rush Limbaugh, is intended to serve as a "slap in the face" to the many vocal conservative supporters of the war who are nonetheless unwilling to offer any personal sacrifice in support of the effort.
"Rush isn't the kind of fat, ignorant, lying, bellicose slob," Mr. Limbaugh's spokesman Limbaugh said, "who will spew and splutter mendacious vitriol 24/7 in favor of something without showing he's willing to get off his comfortable ass and put his own life on the line to support that something, whatever it is. That's what separates Rush from a lot of these despicable 'chickenhawk' radio show hosts, TV personalities, cabinet members and congressmen who spend so much time cheerleading for a war they'd do anything not to actually serve in. Unlike them, he deserves our respect."
Limbaugh's spokesman Limbaugh said Limbaugh will "enlist as a regular army soldier" and demonstrate, by refusing any special treatment or protections stemming from his acknowledged star status, that the military forces currently fighting in Iraq are as well-equipped as they can possibly be.
"Rush has requested that he be stationed in the thick of things," said Mr. Limbaugh. "Right in the shit. That should prove to any skeptics that Rush isn't just doing this as some sort of self-aggrandizing publicity stunt."
The army is more than willing to comply with Mr. Limbaugh's request and welcomes the sorely-needed manpower boost his enlistment will provide, Army Spokesman Major Kirk Gohlke said.
"We're thrilled to have a real star radio personality like Mr. Limbaugh fighting alongside us here in Iraq," said Major Gohlke, "and I think it will really mean a lot to the troops to see some actual support for once, not just a bunch of empty phrases and platitudes coming from the safety and comfort of a stateside radio studio. And we're going to do what we can to make Mr. Limbaugh feel right at home at the same time we make sure he's really just one of the boys. No special treatment or anything."
Rush Limbaugh, despite his reputation for being one of the most avid supporters of American armed combat in any Republican-sponsored military adventure, has himself never been a member of the armed forces nor engaged in any military combat. During the Vietnam War, Mr. Limbaugh avoided the draft by pleading incapacity due to a pilonidal cyst, in laymen's terms a skin infection in the vicinity of the anus. The cyst is believed to have been caused by an ingrown hair.
Major Gohlke said Mr. Limbaugh will initially be assigned to "sentry duty or a telephone switchboard or something at maybe one of the more remote oil facilities down south where it's pretty quiet, just while he's getting his sea legs. Plus, because of his general girth, flab, and lack of muscle tone, he's not what we call 'fully mobile'. So we're going to equip Mr. Limbaugh with a heavily armored 40-foot Combat Winnebago instead of the usual unarmored Humvee. I think we'll include a cross-trainer or a treadmill to help him whip himself into shape. And of course he's bringing a set of his own high-tech flak jackets from Sharper Image."
Mr. Limbaugh's spokesman Limbaugh said Mr. Limbaugh hopes to encourage other prominent war supporters to join him once he gets settled, envisioning eventually serving as the catalyst for the creation of an entire "Winnebago-powered chickenhawk brigade".
"We're hoping some of our fellow stateside war supporters will hop on board," said Mr. Limbaugh. "Especially people like Newt Gingrich, Bill Bennett, Ann Coulter, Bill Kristol, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage, Joe Scarborough, Frank Gaffney, Scooter Libby if he's not in jail, Karl Rove ditto, Paul Wolfowitz ditto, Roy Blunt ditto, Tom DeLay ditto, Dennis Hastert, Trent Lott, Ken Adelman, Saxby Chambliss, Roger Ailes, Neal Boortz, Brit Hume, Matt Drudge, Andrew Card, and of course President Bush and Vice President Cheney. All these guys who love the war but hate to fight. Back in the old days, when there was a war to be fought you had your commander in chief on the front lines. We'd like to see that old spirit come alive again. Doesn't matter how old you are – we've got jobs to do for everyone over here."
Mr. Limbaugh said Private Limbaugh's Combat Winnebago will be equipped with a state-of-the-art sound studio and satellite uplink so that Mr. Limbaugh can continue his Iraq war reporting, "this time from the front lines. We've received a waiver from the usual rule preventing enlisted soldiers from talking to the press. That way, Mr. Limbaugh can continue pulling in upwards of ten million a year, rather than the $26,000 or so he'd get as take-home pay from the Army. Let's face it, that kind of chicken feed wouldn't even keep him in OxyContin."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News War Correspondent
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