Texas Scientists Clone Twenty Dollar Bill
Abilene, TX, June 19, 2008 -- A research team at Texas Yee & Haw University announced Tuesday that they have successfully performed the first fiduciary cloning procedure on a $20 bill. Using an innovative technique developed at the University's Somatic Sawbuck Laboratory, the Texas scientists extracted DNA from a standard $20 bill, supplied by Earl, the lab maintenance supervisor, and used it to grow an exact replica in an enlarged, rectangular petri dish.
"They're as like as two peas," said Big Poggy Doc, the clinical researcher in charge of the procedure, "except for one thing, and that's the dangdest. The cloned bill has a different serial number. It's valid, but non-sequential."
A common fallacy is that DNA, the famous double-helix that contains genetic material, the structure of which was first described by Watson and Crick in 1953, is only to be found in living, or animate, creatures. In fact, DNA is present in the cells of all humans, animals, plants, vegetables (such as a tomato, or a rhubarb), and even certain inanimate objects such as, in this case, a twenty. This makes it possible to use traditional cell nuclei transfer techniques to grow an exact, or near-exact, replica of the original.
According to Dr. Poggy Doc, the Texas scientists removed a small cell sample from a local politician to use as a growth medium. The cells were combined with locally recovered unrefined oil and, as Dr. Doc said, "a secret five-alarm sauce", into which a cell nucleus removed from the original $20 bill was inserted. The resulting blend was then placed on a moderately warm shelf and exposed to ultraviolet light for "about a month", at which time the cloned bill was ready for removal and drying.
"The implications of this are big--bigtime big," said Big. "For one thing, we won't be needing any more government grants to fund our research. This kind of scientific progress is truly self-sustaining."
A spokesman for the United States Mint commented that the cloned $20 could be considered legal tender. The cloning process, due to its organic nature, is not comparable to common counterfeiting, which remains illegal in most states.
"It's almost exactly the same thing as compound interest," the spokesman said. "The only difference is that these Texas innovators have eliminated the middleman, i.e., banks. Using a bill to 'grow' another bill is just like buying an IRA to 'grow' your retirement fund. The Fed won't be getting its panties in a twist about this, no way. Particularly when you consider that the cloned bills have new serial numbers, like they're evolving or something. What this does is simply put more money into circulation, which is good for the economy."
The Texas Yee & Hah team plan to expand their research into other denominations, such as the $50 and even the $100 bills. Ancillary efforts using coins, such as the Texas State Quarter, have thus far proved unsuccessful.
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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