God Loses Dice
California Scientists Map God Genome
Davis, CA, July 22, 2010 -- Researchers at California's UC Davis announced today the successful completion of a three-year, highly secretive project to map God's genetic code. Originally commissioned by filmmaker James Cameron, who supplied the research team with holy genetic material on which to perform the study, the results of the God Genome project are expected to profoundly influence human conceptions of divinity and origin.
Sheep: 3.1% closer to God
Ron Paul Sweeps Republican Primary Elections in California, New York
Sacramento, February 6, 2008 -- Republican candidate for president Ron Paul swept the primary elections in several key states on Super Tuesday. The candidate, who despite the support of a fiercely loyal virtual following who, while avid internet users, are generally too young or too anti-government to vote, had been trailing distantly in California and New York polls prior to Super Tuesday.
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.
Wing-Clipped NASA to Launch Wal-Mart Budget Spacecraft
John F. Kennedy Space Center, Florida, October 12, 2006 -- Facing what may be the worst fiscal shortfall in the space agency's history, a spokesman for NASA today announced a plan to resort to the extreme cost-saving measure of acquiring most future spacecraft from budget retailer Wal-Mart. An initial consignment of six "Econo-Capsules" purchased by NASA via the Wal-Mart e-commerce website at a cost of $29.95 each (plus shipping and handling), is slated for delivery this December.
Wal-Mart Econo-Capsule
Right Clarifies Moral Confusion With Don't Kill Me Canon
Washington, D.C., July 19, 2007 -- A coalition of American conservatives led by Tom DeLay, Bill Frist, Dr. James Dobson and Newt Gingrich issued yesterday the "Don't Kill Me" Canon, intended to crystallize some of the right wing's often incompatible moral imperatives into a simple, easy-to-remember catch-phrase, "Don't Kill Me". The Canon seeks to provide an consistent ethical foundation for the right wing's various positions on the death penalty, abortion, euthanasia and preemptive warfare.
Eternal Cruises Offers Unique Burial Alternative
Tampa, FL, June 30, 2008 -- The small and solemn multitude is clad in traditional blacks and grays, the voices muted, the music played at low volume and in a minor key. But two key factors set this familiar scene apart: enlivening each mourner's respectfully dreary attire is a brightly colored ring of tropical flowers; and the service is taking place on a wharf overlooked by the imposing bulk of one of the world's largest container ships, the 314-meter goliath Thanatos.
Bud Pong Out; Bud Bong In
St. Louis, MO November 23, 2005 -- Anheuser-Busch, Inc., today announced its latest promotion in retail accounts, Bud Bong. The announcement comes on the heels of its discontinued promotion of Bud Pong, which critics claimed was aimed at underage drinkers and promoted the binge consumption of alcohol.
Rush Limbaugh Volunteers for Iraq Tour of Duty
New York, March 12, 2007 -- Rush Limbaugh, the well-known syndicated right-wing radio "dissonance-jockey" and top cheerleader for the ongoing Iraq war, has volunteered to serve an initial 12-month tour of active combat duty in Iraq.
Private Limbaugh's Armored Combat Winnebago
Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc
Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.
Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered
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