Pentagon Propaganda Program a Resounding Success
Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- Independent investigative journalists at Avant News have determined that the Pentagon's Iraq Propaganda Program, which was heralded for the first time in a Los Angeles Times report in late November, has been a truly stunning success of the same caliber as the many other remarkable achievements enjoyed by the Bush administration and its exemplary war planners.
The Iraqi and American people continue to express their most fervent support for the propaganda program and its peerless progenitor, the Iraq war of liberation.
47 News Helicopters Collide Filming News Helicopter Collisions
Singleberry, West Virginia, August 22, 2013 -- An estimated 47 news helicopters collided and crashed this morning over a West Virginia highway interchange in what has been described by a zealous news anchor as "an unprecedented aerial pileup caused, no doubt, by over-zealous news anchors". While it remains unknown how many news personnel were killed or wounded in the collisions, due to the fact that those involved depleted virtually the entire local inventory of journalists, eyewitness reports suggest dozens or more may have been hurt.
Aliens Announce Completion of Human Observation and Research Program
Platte Flats, Utah, June 29, 2166 -- Extra-terrestrials from the planet Koob in the star system Rigel Kentaurus announced today their 200,000-year program of observing and testing human life is now complete.
Koobian Holograph Device
The announcement is expected to come as a welcome relief to the millions of individuals whose generally unwilling participation in the program has long been met with ridicule, ostracism and flawed diagnoses of mental disorders.
Teen 'Cap Busting' on the Rise
Mobile, AL, March 5, 2018 -- Ashlee Drummond’s footsteps echo along the corridor as she nervously awaits word from the doctor on the condition of her son, Roger. Ashlee joins tens of thousands of parents across the U.S. who have faced or are facing the result of the latest teen craze sweeping the nation -- cap busting. For those unfamiliar with the phrase, cap busting involves voluntarily shooting off one's kneecap with a shotgun.
Bush Finds Iraq Exit Strategy in Crawford Dungarees
Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- President Bush startled lawmakers and reporters yesterday by announcing that he had found his Iraq exit strategy in the back pocket of a pair of dungarees the president normally uses while working off steam by clearing brush on his Crawford, Texas estate.
Bush's Iraq Exit Strategy
Stock Markets Close as Global Earth World Planet International Buys All Shares
By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff Writer -- New York City, February 21, 2038 -- As the bell rang to close the trading session today at the New York Stock Exchange, board members of Global Earth World Planet International (GEWPI) celebrated with toasts of sparkling wine at an undisclosed location. They had reason to celebrate as their privately held consortium had just completed a two-week buying spree of all outstanding shares in every publicly traded company across the world.
The Race is On: Chimps Are Out-Evolving Humans
Portland, May 12, 2009 -- The results are in: chimps are evolving faster than human beings. This startling discovery was made by a group of biologists and evolutionary scientists at the Biped Research Institute of Portland, Oregon following a three-year study into the genetic and evolutionary patterns of multiple generations of both species.
Iraq Study Group Report Includes $25 Million Reward for Exit Strategy
Washington, D.C., December 11, 2006 -- After nine months of intensive deliberations, the bipartisan Iraq Study Group has finally released its long-awaited Iraq Study Group Report in which the prestigious think tank concludes: "The Iraq Study Group will offer $25 million to anyone who can come up with a viable solution to the Iraq quagmire because, frankly, we're stumped".
ISG co-chairs James A. Baker III and Lee H. Hamilton
President George W. Bush is said to be "real happy" about the findings.
World Leader, Inc. World Leader at World Leading
January 1, 2522 -- //PRPressReleaseV22.2// -- World Leader, Inc. [NYSE:WLI], a world leader at world leading, announced today that for the third consecutive year it continues to lead the world at leading the world at world leading. The announcement was made at a press availability prior to the annual World Leader World Leader awards, presented annually by World Leader, Inc.
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