Dark Matter Mostly Socks, Keys, Ballpoints
Cambridge, August 12, 2024 -- A critical goal that has eluded astrophysicists for decades has at last been made possible: the discovery of the nature and composition of "dark matter" as well as a hint as to the function of "dark energy", two previously unidentifiable and unobservable substances that together comprise nearly 95% of all matter in the universe.
Dark Matter (detail)
California Scientists Map God Genome
Davis, CA, July 22, 2010 -- Researchers at California's UC Davis announced today the successful completion of a three-year, highly secretive project to map God's genetic code. Originally commissioned by filmmaker James Cameron, who supplied the research team with holy genetic material on which to perform the study, the results of the God Genome project are expected to profoundly influence human conceptions of divinity and origin.
Sheep: 3.1% closer to God
Astrophysicist Observes Own Ass
Dover, England, April 29, 2010 -- Thurgood Quark, an astrophysicist at the Extremely Powerful Orbital Telescope Control Centre in Dover, England, was reportedly startled yesterday to discover that an irregularly-formed object he was observing, estimated to be at a distance of over eighteen billion light-years away, was in fact his own ass.
Space
Jains Decry Violent Depiction
Perth, Australia March 7, 2006 -- The latest religious scandal involving a drawing deemed to be offensive by a religious group has arisen. World media attention has now shifted to the back blocks of Perth, Australia where six year old Abigail Tuckerbag, a student at Coolabah Billabong Primary School in Perth, has sparked international outrage from Jainists across the globe with her drawing "Jain and dead cow".
Top Christmas Gift Gadgets 2005-2105: A Retrospective
Lohrngollivo, December 15, 2105 -- The Avant News team has spent literally minutes poring over our voluminous archival records to bring you a snapshot of some of the most popular gadgets purchased, wrapped, gift-carded and inflicted on loved ones as Christmas and holiday presents over the past 100 years. Following are what we, based on our extensive research, have selected as a few of the top gadget gifts of the century:
Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc
Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.
Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered
Somali Pirates Hijack International Space Station
Houston, Texas, June 28, 2009 -- Somali pirates hijacked and have taken control of the International Space Station, NASA sources announced yesterday. The pirates, who approached the vessel using small, inflatable spacerafts, are demanding a ransom "in excess of ten million dollars", according to Dr. Julius Vern, vice-administrator of NASA's International Space Station program, or they will destroy the vessel.
Special Report: The 84th Annual Academy Awards
Kodak Theatre, Hollywood, CA, March 5, 2014 -- Drum roll, please. Mere minutes ago, the fateful envelopes were shred. The stars were studded, the gala splendiferous, the suspense: deadly.
Thanksgiving Turkey Bird Flu Prevention Tips
Duckbill, Wyoming, November 14, 2009 -- A comprehensive study performed by the American Turkey Council has concluded that Thanksgiving turkeys are "unlikely carriers of the avian flu, or bird flu, virus." According to the council, the chances of contracting avian flu by eating traditional Thanksgiving turkey are "probably less than one in four.
With reasonable precautions, Thanksgiving dinner need not be a last supper
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