Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé

Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!

Bird Flu Drug Tamiflu's Primary Ingredient Washed Out in Mudslides

Atlanta, April 22, 2009 -- With bird flu, also known as avian flu, now confirmed to have mutated into a form that can be transmitted human-to-human, international disease control agencies are concerned by a new report that virtually all of this year's star anise crop, a vital component of Tamiflu grown only in four provinces of China, has been wiped out in a series of mudslides brought on by unseasonably strong tropical storms in the region.

Tom DeLay: Tax Cuts, Faith to Prevent Apophis Asteroid Collision

Washington, D.C., February 22, 2027 -- U.S. President Tom DeLay, responding to growing public concern over the potentially imminent catastrophic impact with the earth of the asteroid known as 99942 Apophis, announced yesterday a bold new plan to deflect the problem using the two time-tested cornerstones of the GOP agenda: tax cuts for the wealthy, and faith-based initiatives.

Wingding Institute Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

Oslo, Norway October 10, 2011 -- The Norwegian Nobel Committee shocked the world yesterday when it announced that the controversial Wingding Institute had won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize beating out such favorites as the United Nations, World Bank and the International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance (IDEA).

Dark Matter Mostly Socks, Keys, Ballpoints

Cambridge, August 12, 2024 -- A critical goal that has eluded astrophysicists for decades has at last been made possible: the discovery of the nature and composition of "dark matter" as well as a hint as to the function of "dark energy", two previously unidentifiable and unobservable substances that together comprise nearly 95% of all matter in the universe.

Dark Matter (detail)Dark Matter (detail)

Ron Paul Sweeps Republican Primary Elections in California, New York

Sacramento, February 6, 2008 -- Republican candidate for president Ron Paul swept the primary elections in several key states on Super Tuesday. The candidate, who despite the support of a fiercely loyal virtual following who, while avid internet users, are generally too young or too anti-government to vote, had been trailing distantly in California and New York polls prior to Super Tuesday.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and his broom.

Bolton Banned For UN Canteen Brawl

New York, NY, October 19, 2005 -- Only two months into his controversial recess appointment as U.S. Representative to the United Nations, John R. Bolton is in hot water following fisticuffs at the UN canteen. Bolton's short record at the UN has been a rocky one, beginning on a low point with his official welcome address to the General Assembly, titled "No UN, No Cry", and culminating in yesterday's altercation.

Wing-Clipped NASA to Launch Wal-Mart Budget Spacecraft

John F. Kennedy Space Center, Florida, October 12, 2006 -- Facing what may be the worst fiscal shortfall in the space agency's history, a spokesman for NASA today announced a plan to resort to the extreme cost-saving measure of acquiring most future spacecraft from budget retailer Wal-Mart. An initial consignment of six "Econo-Capsules" purchased by NASA via the Wal-Mart e-commerce website at a cost of $29.95 each (plus shipping and handling), is slated for delivery this December.

Wal-Mart Econo-CapsuleWal-Mart Econo-Capsule

Livestock, Pets Harnessed As Important New Energy Resource

Wenatchee, Washington, June 29, 2013 -- A technological breakthrough developed by the Wenatchee, Washington-based startup group Cownetics United Development, Inc. (Nasdaq: CUD) promises to significantly ameliorate the nation's ongoing energy crisis with virtually no negative environmental consequences.

Caninetic and Cownetic turbine unitsCaninetic and Cownetic turbine units

Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.