Afterburner Forfeits Kentucky Derby Win

Churchill Downs, May 8, 2009 -- Afterburner, the three-year-old thoroughbred who shattered course records yesterday to win the 135th Kentucky Derby, has been disqualified on a technicality, thereby forfeiting his title and the $1.5 million winner's purse. Race officials cite Afterburner's groundbreaking posterior propulsion technique as the reason for the disqualification. Porter Gickle, Afterburner's owner, says he will appeal the decision.

Fox Network Reality Show Lineup Reaches Critical Mass, Causing Massive Explosion

Los Angeles, August 22, 2006 -- Several buildings were damaged when a huge explosion rocked the Fox Entertainment pap-production compound in Los Angeles yesterday. A preliminary analysis of the debris by the Los Angeles County Explosive Ordnance Unit determined that the explosion was not caused by a terrorist act, as was first feared, but was rather triggered by the inadvertent attainment of "reality show critical mass" by the studio.

Bud Pong Out; Bud Bong In

St. Louis, MO November 23, 2005 -- Anheuser-Busch, Inc., today announced its latest promotion in retail accounts, Bud Bong. The announcement comes on the heels of its discontinued promotion of Bud Pong, which critics claimed was aimed at underage drinkers and promoted the binge consumption of alcohol.

Mike Huckabee Blamed For Surge in "Artful Dodgers"

Charleston, South Carolina, August 9, 2016 -- The recent nationwide explosion in pre-teen pickpockets has been traced to the first-term policies of president Mike Huckabee, according to a new study.

The analysis, conducted by the respected Institute for Alarming Developments in Charleston, South Carolina, found a “confluence of poorly conceived notions, badly executed” responsible for the current pickpocketing plague on the citizens of the United States.

NFL Owners Change Name, Game

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New York, July 19, 2017 -- Team owners of National Football League (NFL) formally approved the new team restrictions, salary caps, rules and official name change for the Professional American & International National Football League (PAINFL).

PAINFL commissioner Adam Sandler explained, “There were a number of factors contributing to the need for this massive overhaul of the NFL. Skyrocketing salaries, teams changing cities, decreased attendance, retired numbers and fewer athletes available, the list goes on, but all of these things all played a part in the need for this drastic change.”

India and Pakistan Agree to Share Kashmir in Joint Custody Arrangement

Srinagar, Kashmir, May 29, 2011 -- High-level diplomatic representatives of India and Pakistan announced today the successful conclusion of a dramatic final round of talks over the fate of the disputed Kashmir region. Kashmir, over which India and Pakistan each claim varying degrees of sovereignty, will under the terms of the new agreement be shared equally between the countries in a joint custody arrangement.

Google WTF Search Delivers

Mountain View, CA April 23, 2008 -- Nearly everyone has misplaced their keys, wallet or cell phone. Everyone has had at least one sock come up missing after the laundry has been completed. At least once a week one of the many remote controls is not where it is supposed to be. The people at Google Labs have now come to the rescue of us all with Google's latest application: Where To Find (WTF).

New DreamTV Keeps Viewers Tuned In While They Sleep

Philadelphia, June 16, 2018 -- ToshibaSonyMagnavoxivision (TSM) yesterday announced the launch of their new, updated Dream TV Sleep Entertainment System, the DreamTV rEM99. A spokesman for TSM said, "We're absolutely delighted with the opportunities offered by the updated system, and are positive that consumers worldwide will be astonished with the ease and versatility with which it fulfils all of their sleep entertainment needs."

Swedish Youth Randomly Types First Two Acts of Hamlet

Stockholm, Sweden, August 25, 2008 -- Gustav Gustavsson and his wife Åsa were startled earlier in the week to find that their four year old son, Axel, had randomly typed the first two acts of Hamlet whilst playing at his father’s computer.

Gustav said that on Monday afternoon he walked into his office in the basement to find Axel “pounding away” on the keyboard. After Gustav sent his son from his office and sat down at his computer he made a startling discovery.

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