GOP To Issue Targeted Ballots To Illegal Immigrants For Mid-Term Elections
Washington, D.C., October 5, 2006 -- Republican national committee chairman Ken Mehlman announced today that a special form of ballot will be issued to illegal immigrants across the United States in time for use in this November's pivotal mid-term elections.
The ballots, dubbed "Provisional Targeted Ballots" by the GOP, will allow illegal immigrants to actively participate in the "great and noble experiment that is American democracy", according to Mr. Mehlman, before being deported back to their homelands in boxcars by members of the Republican Guard (Immigrant Deportation Division).
Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought
Montgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007 -- Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, is now urging Alabamians to increase pressure on the heavenly potentate with a newly proclaimed "Curse Drought" initiative.
Alabama Governor Bob Riley (Rep.)
Japanese Domestic Robot Performs Unwanted Extreme Home Makeover
Osaka, Japan, April 12, 2011 -- Honda Motor Company's technology division may soon face a legal challenge from an irate homeowner who claims his Honda ASIMO Series XII, a small, humanoid domestic robot, performed an "extreme home makeover" on the owner's suburban Osaka residence while the owner was away on business.
Kitchen of Mr. Ozaki's home following ASIMO makeover
Cloned Giant Pandas Topple Chinese Government
Beijing, August 18, 2043 -- Cloned giant pandas have overturned the government of Chinese President Yo in an unanticipated cuddly coup d'état, diplomatic observers reported yesterday. According to Mr. Liu Wei, spokesman for President Yo, the coup is the end result of a government experimental cloning project "gone horribly wrong".
Panda Wu, Revered Revolutionary Leader of the Panda's Republic of Panda
Study Finds Viagra May Cause Hubris
Brattleboro, Vermont, April 19, 2007 -- A recent pharmacological study conducted by the American Institute for Studying Things Swallowed (AISTS) has discovered a previously unknown link between Viagra use and hubris. According to the study, frequent users of the performance-enhancing drug may suffer from a potentially self-destructive condition characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, an over-estimation of one's personal capacities, and arrogant, potentially annoying behavior patterns.
Bush Kidnaps North Korean Propaganda Dream Team
Washington, D.C., March 9, 2006 -- With President Bush's popularity ratings continuing to break all-time lows in nationwide opinion polls, the administration has taken the unusual step of kidnapping North Korean leader Kim Jong II's world-famous propaganda "dream team" in an effort to reverse the downward trend.
President Cheney Shills For Grand Canyon Oil Drill Plan
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".
Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:
--- TRANSCRIPT BEGINS ---
Fed Chief Bernanke Ups Interest Rates 1.25% "Just To Mess With People's Heads"
New York, January 30, 2008 -- In a surprise move that has left market analysts worldwide scratching their heads, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke raised, rather than lowered, the discount and fed funds rates by an unprecedented 1.25% this afternoon.
Fed Chief Ben Bernanke
Study Finds Less to be Less, Not More, Than More
Sioux City, Iowa – March 29, 2019 – A three-year study performed by the respected Group for the Logical Reassessment of Paradoxical Phraseology (GLIBB) in Sioux City, Iowa has revealed that less is in fact less, rather than more, than more.
Van Gogh self-portrait: "lessened" version
The determination is expected to have a wide-reaching impact on the manufacture and distribution of homely aphorisms throughout the American Midwest, a $3 billion a year industry.
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