FBI to Test Televised Sting Operation with Who Wants to Be a Terrorist
New York, July 24, 2008 -- The FBI has announced an innovative plan to root out potential evildoers with the launch of the new game show, Who Wants to Be a Terrorist. The show, the first nationwide televised sting operation of its kind, is expected to result in "between zero to one arrests of confirmed terrorists or terrorist sympathizers per episode", according to Johnny Pistol, FBI Deputy Director.
3rd Iraq Study Group Report Calls for Iterative –Izations
Washington, D.C., December 6, 2016 -- The 3rd Iraq Study Group Report, delivered by its distinguished panel to the president and released to the American public today, calls for "an iterative process of –izing things, with the order of –izations to be varied both stochastically and in accordance with prevailing conditions on the ground." Excerpts from the Executive Summary of the 3rd Iraq Study Group Report follow:
3rd Iraq Study Group Report
Letter from the Co-Chairs
Low-Carb, No-Carb: The Fat's In The Fizz
Fairbanks, AK, March 22, 2012 -- A groundbreaking study into the root causes of obesity has shed new and remarkable light on why Americans are growing ever-heavier. At the heart of the discovery is a key factor that was overlooked for decades simply because, according to the research team, no one ever thought of looking there.
iPlant Upgrades to 2 Terabytes With WhiteTooth
Dallas, TX, August 11, 2011 -- Applesoft Corporation announced yesterday at BodyTech 2011 that it will be upgrading its popular iPlant multimedia product with an additional terabyte of storage, doubling its capacity to two terabytes. Customers will now have enough capacity to internally view over 22,000 hours of high-quality full-motion films, or listen to over 11 years worth of recorded music, all from the privacy of their own mouths and without requiring additional external connectivity.
Creationist Paleontologists Discover Dinosaur Saddle
Mud Flaps, Arizona, March 29, 2006 -- A team of creationist paleontologists from the Discovery Institute's main field research arm announced today that they had discovered the remains of a large manmade object confirmed to be an ancient dinosaur saddle.
Dinosaur saddle discovered by Discovery Institute paleontological expedition near Mud Flaps, Arizona
Kansas Education Board Touts Flat Earth Curriculum
May 11, 2006 -- The Kansas Education Board, which gained new momentum in its efforts to "de-emphasize" rational scientific inquiry after a decision last November requiring Kansas teachers to define the widely accepted theory of evolution as "godless Communist propaganda" in favor of creationism, also known as intelligent design, is now promoting a full-fledged faith-based curriculum touted by the board as "the One True Way".
Earth (side view)
George W. Bush Files For Chapter 11 Moral Bankruptcy Protection
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2006 -- The Bush administration has filed for Chapter 11 moral bankruptcy protection, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced today. The unusual move, Mr. McClellan explained, is in reaction to the growing spate of scandals that have brought presidential stock in both national and international markets to the brink of collapse.
The filing will protect the Bush administration from moral creditors while a court-appointed ethical overseer evaluates the administration's moral debt.
President Trent Lott to Add Agrarian Charm to National Mall
Washington, D.C., May 9, 2009 -- During a short press availability in the White House Rose Garden, President Trent Lott announced today a plan to remake the White House and adjacent National Mall in a manner that "would reflect the glorious antebellum history and culture of the region" by converting the currently open, recreational park spaces to "small-scale agricultural production carried out by entrepreneurial families".
Various Celebrities Reproduce, Wed, Sunbathe: An Avant News Exclusive Exposé
Hollywood, May 12, 2094 -- Shockingly, another week has gone by and it is once again time for the exclusive Avant News celebrity roundup, bringing you the juiciest, most prurient private details of the glamorous lives of your favorite familiar individuals. Our paparazzi and pepperoncini have been out in force this week, more than ever living up to their motto, "We do the stalking because you have to go to work". Let's get started!
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