President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law
Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.
Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine
World Leader, Inc. World Leader at World Leading
January 1, 2522 -- //PRPressReleaseV22.2// -- World Leader, Inc. [NYSE:WLI], a world leader at world leading, announced today that for the third consecutive year it continues to lead the world at leading the world at world leading. The announcement was made at a press availability prior to the annual World Leader World Leader awards, presented annually by World Leader, Inc.
Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"
Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.” He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.
Bush Announces Global Air Conditioner Initiative
Washington, D.C., February 28, 2006 -- Following the near-complete destruction of the White House last week in Hurricane Florence, President Bush performed a virtual about-face and announced today a new proactive administration position on what he termed "the war against earth heating".
Chief Justice Roberts Jolts Court With Witch Trial Push
Washington, D.C., February 11, 2006 -- United States Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. startled observers and fellow justices yesterday by calling for the Supreme Court to spearhead a new struggle to root out, prosecute, and punish witches. While it is rare and, according to some constitutional scholars, unethical for a member of the Supreme Court to assume such an overtly activist position on any particular issue, Chief Justice Roberts, in announcing his initiative, said "I don't give a rat's posterior. If you don't like it, fire me."
BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles
Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.
"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."
Leading Astrologer Confesses: "It's All Bunk"
Las Vegas, June 22, 2010 -- Zorothar, a leading astrologer with the respected International Coven of Prognosticative Stargazers, stunned the world's tabloid media yesterday with the admission that "everything we astrologers do is bunk, malarkey, nonsense and, frankly, complete bullshit."
President Bush Pardons Lewis "Scooter" Libby
Washington, D.C., December 23, 2005 -- Lewis "Scooter" Libby was pardoned today in a surprise announcement by President George W. Bush. Libby, who had been indicted on five felony counts for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice, and one misdemeanor charge involving an altercation with two lesbian cheerleaders, said "Yeah. Like I didn't see that one coming."
Saddam Hussein Trial to Resume Tuesday, Barring Unforeseen Delays
Baghdad, July 23, 2030 -- The ongoing trial of Saddam Hussein is set to resume Tuesday, July 26, 2030, barring new complications that may further delay the arduous and lengthy process. The once-vaunted trial of the widely-hated deposed dictator has been plagued with a variety of difficulties since its inception and over virtually the full 25 years that have elapsed since Saddam Hussein first took the stand.
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