Cheney Proves Effectiveness of Torture
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2006 -- Vice President Dick Cheney, a leading advocate of the use of torture in the so-called "war on terror", successfully demonstrated the effectiveness of the technique this month by allowing himself to personally undergo a one-week program of "coerced interrogation", the compassionately conservative term for the practice. During the week, the Vice President proved the value of torture by unwillingly confessing to a wide range of infractions, some of them quite surprising.
Genetic Engineers Create First Manga Baby
Boulder, March 22, 2014 -- Genetic engineers at the world-renowned Tweek-e-Gene Institute in Boulder, Colorado, announced today the successful production of the world's first live custom-designed human Manga-baby. The baby, a healthy boy weighing 2.3 lbs. and measuring a lanky 38 inches from head to toe, will be named Ichi the Killer.
Ichi the Killer, prototype Manga-baby
Trend-spotters confidently predict Ichi will be the first boulder in a virtual landslide of specially-ordered designer Manga-babies.
Blair Seeks Ban on Habits
London, December 2, 2006 -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today he will seek a ban on all public displays of habits, the traditional garments worn by monks and nuns, calling them "marks of separation".
Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)
Paris Hilton Restoration Completed
Paris, July 12, 2010 -- After many years of neglect and ill use the Paris Hilton is now back in the spotlight once again. The Paris Hilton's management team hopes that the new look and internal enhancements that have been made over the last year will make her something that people will dream about spending the night in once again.
Jacques Baudrillard, the project manager responsible for the Paris Hilton's makeover, said, "We feel confident that that once people see this new Paris Hilton they will say, 'Paris Hilton, now I could have a good time in that,' and then come and stay the night."
House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing
Washington, D.C., February 13, 2008 -- Roger Clemens appeared today to testify before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's full committee hearing on "The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Steroids in Major League Baseball, Day 2".
1985 Topps Roger Clemens rookie card in mint condition owned by the nephew of Rep. Elijah Cummings which may or may not increase in value when Roger Clemens is not elected into Cooperstown
Indianapolis Colts' Undefeated NFL Season Questionable
Indianapolis, IN - December 22, 2006 -- After trouncing all the opponents on their schedule this year, the Indianapolis Colts are doing their best to get over the recent kidnapping of their Pro-Bowl quarterback Peyton Manning and are continuing their quest to complete the season at a perfect 16-0.
Struggling GM Launches Internet Casino
Flint, Michigan, July 29, 2007 -- General Motors, the automotive behemoth that has been teetering precariously on the verge of bankruptcy for several years, will be taking the unusual step of diversifying its operations by launching an internet casino business in an effort to create a new cash cow that can be milked to keep its core operations alive.
According to Randy Mooman, spokesman for GM, the new casino is projected to provide sufficient revenue to keep GM afloat while it retools with new, more competitive automotive product lines.
Donald Rumsfeld Resigns; Questions Linger
Washington, November 30, 2006 -- Donald Rumsfeld announced today that he would be stepping down as Secretary of Defense effective immediately. While his departure has been expected for sometime it is nevertheless a surprising move by the Bush administration with less than a week to go before the midterm elections take place.
Douglas Feith: Smirkier than Rumsfeld?
Magician Disillusioned
Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.
The Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan
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