Blair Seeks Ban on Habits

London, December 2, 2006 -- British Prime Minister Tony Blair said today he will seek a ban on all public displays of habits, the traditional garments worn by monks and nuns, calling them "marks of separation".

Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)Titus in a Monk's Habit (artist's impression)

Japanese Domestic Robot Performs Unwanted Extreme Home Makeover

Osaka, Japan, April 12, 2011 -- Honda Motor Company's technology division may soon face a legal challenge from an irate homeowner who claims his Honda ASIMO Series XII, a small, humanoid domestic robot, performed an "extreme home makeover" on the owner's suburban Osaka residence while the owner was away on business.

Kitchen of Mr. Ozaki's home following ASIMO makeoverKitchen of Mr. Ozaki's home following ASIMO makeover

Entire Cast of Survivor Guatemala Killed in Nuclear Bunker-Buster Test Blunder

Guatemala City, Guatemala, December 2, 2005 -- Fans and viewers of the popular CBS reality television show Survivor Guatemala: The Maya Empire were dealt a disappointing blow with the admission by the US Defense Department that it had inadvertently vaporized the entire remaining cast in a nuclear weapons testing blunder yesterday.

A spokesman for CBS said the incident was "regrettable", but added that the network plans to continue the series with a resurrected cast of surviving former Survivors under the name Survivor Guatemala: The Day After.

Cloned Giant Pandas Topple Chinese Government

Beijing, August 18, 2043 -- Cloned giant pandas have overturned the government of Chinese President Yo in an unanticipated cuddly coup d'état, diplomatic observers reported yesterday. According to Mr. Liu Wei, spokesman for President Yo, the coup is the end result of a government experimental cloning project "gone horribly wrong".

Panda Wu, Revered Revolutionary Leader of the Panda's Republic of PandaPanda Wu, Revered Revolutionary Leader of the Panda's Republic of Panda

Big Savings for Military Procurement Using "IKEA Model"

Hampton Roads, Virginia, July 22, 2017 -- US defense secretary Alberto Fulshrop said today that the military's adoption of the so-called "IKEA model" last year has resulted in military procurement savings close to the projected goal of 10%, or over $183 billion. Secretary Fulshrop hailed the program as a "sterling success, and a genuinely fun project for all the enthusiastic do-it-yourselfers in the services."

C17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New MexicoC17 Globemaster III awaiting assembly at Kirtland Air Force Base, New Mexico

Mexican Border Fence Comes Up Short

Mission, Texas, June 19, 2011 -- The Mexican border fence approved by President Bush in October, 2006 is now complete, but accolades for the project are few and far between.

Portion of Mexican border fencePortion of Mexican border fence

The Secure Fence Act, which was touted by Republicans as a major border security initiative in the weeks leading up to the 2006 mid-term elections, is now viewed by many as a fiasco of the first order.

Indianapolis Colts' Undefeated NFL Season Questionable

Indianapolis, IN - December 22, 2006 -- After trouncing all the opponents on their schedule this year, the Indianapolis Colts are doing their best to get over the recent kidnapping of their Pro-Bowl quarterback Peyton Manning and are continuing their quest to complete the season at a perfect 16-0.

Study Proves Universe Created By Committee

Gestation, Kansas, June 11, 2010 -- The most extensive analysis yet undertaken of the structure and contents of the universe conclusively proves the universe was created not by a single entity, as has been widely suggested, but by "a fractious and disorganized committee or committees given to groupthink and petty infighting", according to Drs. Karl Pootle and Yumble Frick, co-authors of the study. The analysis is expected to have profound implications on the theoretical underpinnings of many popular religions.

Magician Disillusioned

Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.

The Lumache Mansion in Colon, MichiganThe Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan

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