President Cheney Shills For Grand Canyon Oil Drill Plan
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2009 -- President Dick Cheney announced this morning a sweeping new Grand Canyon Oil Exploration Initiative during a speech in the White House Rose Garden. The plan calls for the full-scale industrial exploitation of Grand Canyon National Park, which is believed by President Cheney to contain "significant, or at least a few, oil reserves".
Following is the official White House transcript of the President's speech:
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This Year's Best-Selling Most Popular Number One Halloween Costume
Malibu, October 31, 2037 -- The best-selling, most popular, top Halloween costume for this year is, for the eighth consecutive year, once again the mesmerizing, terrifying "Unenhanced Human" outfit. The complex Halloween costume, which mimics the appearance of a human being without any artificial improvements and can take up to two hours to put on, has been sold over 2.3 million times this year, a new record.
America's 400 Richest Join Forces to Eradicate Poverty, Hunger
New York, November 22, 2005 -- In a stunning development that will improve and save the lives of billions, and perhaps even change the course of history, the 400 wealthiest people in the United States have signed an agreement to each contribute half their assets to a newly formed global fund to fight poverty, hunger and disease.
Avant News Job Interview Tips: How to Fake the Liver Biopsy
Macon, Georgia, September 22, 2010 -- A recent survey performed by the Online Job-Seekers Bureau found that increasingly stringent rules for potential job applicants now frequently include such measures as requiring that liver biopsies, brain samples, and loyalty oaths be submitted along with a resume.A spokesman for the Online Job-Seekers Bureau said he found the trend "understandable, but troubling".
10 Worst Ideas and Inventions of 2008
Los Angeles, California January 15, 2009 -- As the saying goes, "for every good idea there are dozens of bad ideas." Rather than sort through the dozens of bad ideas and horrible inventions released onto the unwary public this year, the Avant News Consumer Advisory Committee along with the Avant News Public Awareness Department put together the following list of the 10 Worst Ideas and Inventions of 2008:
Treasury Sec. Paulson Calls Chain Letter, Lotto Buyback Cures to Deficit Woes
Washington, D.C., March 12, 2008 -- Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., speaking at the annual meeting of the Conservative Economists' Union, today outlined a plan to alleviate the Bush administration's record federal deficit through "government chain letters and Lotto buyback initiatives".
Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr.
The Tuvalu Buoy Project: Desperation and Defiance
Funafuti, Tuvalu, October 29, 2006 -- Residents of the tiny nation of Tuvalu have embarked on a remarkable effort to save their homeland from the rising sea levels that are threatening to swamp the string of small islands Tuvalu's inhabitants call home.
Tuvalu (actual size)
Bill Frist Explains the Blind Trust (and Announces Presidential Candidacy)
Tachs-Yelter, Utah, December 22, 2005 -- Hi, Avant News Readers. I'm Senator Bill Frist, a United States Senator from the great state of Tennessee. Best of all, I'm Senate Majority Leader, which means I'm the most important of all the white male millionaires in tailored suits tasked with acting out the people's will until I get indicted, which we all know might not probably happen anytime soon.
FBI to Test Televised Sting Operation with Who Wants to Be a Terrorist
New York, July 24, 2008 -- The FBI has announced an innovative plan to root out potential evildoers with the launch of the new game show, Who Wants to Be a Terrorist. The show, the first nationwide televised sting operation of its kind, is expected to result in "between zero to one arrests of confirmed terrorists or terrorist sympathizers per episode", according to Johnny Pistol, FBI Deputy Director.
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