New York, September 9, 2010 -- With a diverse range of radically similar weight loss programs topping the bestseller charts this publishing season, finding a winner can be as hard as squeezing the creamy filling from an éclair while driving. Two titles, however, stand out from the pulpy mass: the innovative debut diet offering by Rod Sharpely, "40 lb.", and Augustus Phloughlop's popular "Eat Shit and Die", sequel to the 49-week number one bestseller of last year, "Drive to Your Car".

Chicago, IL, September 7, 2006 -- The increasingly vitriolic debate between religious conservatives and the scientific community took an unexpected turn yesterday when a voice confirmed to be that of God disparaged the idea of "intelligent design" as "a load of crap".

Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".

Glorious Revolutionary Leader President King Antimony

A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".

London, August 29, 2009 -- Ice cream trucks, the ubiquitous roaming purveyors of frozen dessert products that infest suburban neighbourhoods around the world, announcing their arrival using strident, uniformly irritating off-pitch melodies, have been found in a recent study to be a leading international cause of insanity.