Citigroup, Bank of America Announce ATM Instant Equity Exchange Program
New York, April 6, 2009 -- Citigroup (NYSE: C) and Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) today jointly announced the launch of an innovative program, dubbed ATM Instant Equity Exchange, under which the two banks will commence dispensing stock vouchers rather than cash from ATMs under their control. Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC) is expected to sign on to the program later in the week.
Citibank, co-founder of the AIEE! program: Photo (CC) Ed Yourdon.
FEMA Posts New Avian Flu Awareness Pages on Ready.gov
Washington, D.C., December 12, 2005 -- The Federal Emergency Magnifying Agency (FUBAR) has posted a new consumer preparedness section on its Ready.gov "Panic Now Before We're All Dead" site dedicated to improving citizen readiness in the likely event of a near-certain imminent deadly bird flu outbreak. Michael Brown, former FUBAR head and currently sub-assistant layout coordinator for the Ready.gov site, said, "It's a real hit. This site tells you everything you need to know to get ready for an avian flu epidemic. Pandemic. Epidemic? Does anybody know what the difference is?"
Bush Fulfills Katrina Vow With Trent Lott Porch Sit
New Orleans, August 9, 2006 -- In the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush warmed and reassured the hearts of Americans with the solemn promise that Senator Trent Lott, whose house had been lost in the hurricane, would receive a new, fantastic house built "out of the rubbles", on the porch of which the President would look forward to sitting.
Pentagon Propaganda Program a Resounding Success
Washington, D.C., December 22, 2005 -- Independent investigative journalists at Avant News have determined that the Pentagon's Iraq Propaganda Program, which was heralded for the first time in a Los Angeles Times report in late November, has been a truly stunning success of the same caliber as the many other remarkable achievements enjoyed by the Bush administration and its exemplary war planners.
The Iraqi and American people continue to express their most fervent support for the propaganda program and its peerless progenitor, the Iraq war of liberation.
President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law
Washington, D.C., March 29, 2009 -- President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act.
Former President Ron Paul on his return to Dnipropetrovsk Airport, Ukraine
God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt
Omnipresence, February 8, 2008 -- God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee with a tornado during Super Tuesday primary election voting earlier this week.
Over 45 people were killed in the Southern states of Mississippi, Arkansas, Tennessee, and Kentucky when multiple tornadoes touched down with devastating results during the biggest day so far in the Republican and Democratic primary election season.
Bermuda Missing; May Have "Drifted Away"
Western Atlantic, April 29, 2024 -- Cartographers at the Trans-Coastal Mappery, based in Newport, Rhode Island, announced that while inspecting satellite photography of the American eastern seaboard Wednesday they discovered the island of Bermuda to be conspicuously absent. Following up on the discovery, the cartography team attempted to telephone a number of businesses and government offices known to be located on the island, but were unable to establish contact.
National Knife Association Attacks School Violence
Buford Falls, Ohio February 18, 2009 -- Clarence Rattleford has wielded knives on a daily basis for as long as he can remember and to his recollection neither he nor those around him have been in any danger because of it. Now the 73 year old retired soybean farmer and aspiring whittler is urging others to fight for their right to hold on to their knives.
Mexican Border Fence Comes Up Short
Mission, Texas, June 19, 2011 -- The Mexican border fence approved by President Bush in October, 2006 is now complete, but accolades for the project are few and far between.
Portion of Mexican border fence
The Secure Fence Act, which was touted by Republicans as a major border security initiative in the weeks leading up to the 2006 mid-term elections, is now viewed by many as a fiasco of the first order.
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