Washington, D.C., November 5, 2008 -- In a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via SMS at the garage apartment by his mother's house in which he currently resides, said he was "real psyched about being the president" and "had big plans for the inauguration party".

New York, April 6, 2009 -- Citigroup (NYSE: C) and Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) today jointly announced the launch of an innovative program, dubbed ATM Instant Equity Exchange, under which the two banks will commence dispensing stock vouchers rather than cash from ATMs under their control. Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC) is expected to sign on to the program later in the week.

Citibank, co-founder of the AIEE! program: Photo (CC) Ed Yourdon.

Washington, D.C., February 12, 2008 -- An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, a conservative group, lamented that the budget proposal represents his “last chance to shaft the poor.” He urged the assembled audience to do “everything in their powers” to convince their elected representatives that the budget proposal represented an historic opportunity that may not return for a decade or more.

Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.

Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."