President Clinton Jails 938,000 Illegal Enemy Combatants
Washington, D.C., February 2, 2009 -- A mere two weeks into her tenure, President Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced a sweeping roundup of illegal enemy combatants, the first step in a comprehensive program designed to protect the American people from potential terrorist activities.
In accordance with the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the nearly one million detainees will be held indefinitely without trial or recourse to legal counsel until such time as the President determines they no longer pose a threat to the United States and its allies.
"The legal basis of these sweeps is firmly grounded in the Military Commissions Act of 2006," Paul Grisley, White House Press Secretary, said, "which is an essential component of our ongoing struggle to protect America from those who would seek to destroy Her. By getting these potentially very dangerous people out of circulation, we will be doing more to protect the American people than ever before. Americans everywhere will sleep easier in their beds tonight, I'm happy to inform you."
While the names and crimes of the detainees are classified to protect the interests of national security, a clue as to some of their identities could be gleaned by means of a stroll though major government offices around the country. Four of the nine Supreme Court Justices, for example, failed to show up for work, as did approximately 220 congressmen, 52 senators and a number of governors and presiding justices of district and appellate courts. The vast majority of absentees, coincidentally, were Republicans, in particular those congressional Republicans who had voted for the impeachment of former president Bill Clinton.
Additionally, the silence at certain major media outlets including Fox News, radio commentators on the Clear Channel network, the Washington Times, The New York Post, the Weekly Standard, the Wall Street Journal editorial page, and other news and infoganda providers suggested a number of detainees may have been extracted from those ranks. A significant number of fundamentalist clergy apparently also disappointed their congregations with their unexpected absences.
The detainees, Mr. Grisley said, may include large numbers of unspecified members of the George W. Bush administration, the George H. W. Bush administration, and in many cases both. By an amusing coincidence, he said, many of those detained were the ones most influential in the creation and passing of the law that permitted their indefinite detention.
"This sweep is by no means a witch hunt or a fishing expedition," Mr. Grisley said. "These illegal enemy combatants are definitely guilty of something. We just have to find out what. And thanks to the Military Commissions Act, we have the tools at our disposal to do so."
"Naturally, we cannot disclose the names of the illegal enemy combatants, as that would jeopardize ongoing security operations," Mr. Grisley said. "However, we have been informed of the unexplained absences of John Roberts, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito at the U.S. Supreme Court. Naturally, with so many important cases on the docket, we can't have four empty seats on the bench. The absent justices will therefore, in accordance with the Constitution, Article III, Subsection 22b, be indefinitely replaced by new justices to be nominated shortly by President Hillary Rodham Clinton. The same goes for the roughly 900 lower court justices who are also inexplicably absent from work here and there around the country. Ditto all the missing senators and congressmen."
Mr. Grisley explained that many of the 938,000 enemy combatants are currently undergoing various forms of coerced interrogation in accordance with the humanitarian guidelines established by the Military Commissions Act.
"While we can't tell you who they are or what they are accused of, if anything, we can express our profound gratitude to them for granting us the power to gather them up and tuck them away where they can do no further harm," Mr. Grisley said. "I can disclose that one illegal enemy combatant, a high-ranking, somewhat stocky elderly statesman and quail hunter from the prior administration with a gravelly voice and a faulty heart, tragically expired during the early stages of his humanitarian coerced interrogation," Mr. Grisley said. "While President Clinton regrets this unfortunate occurrence, rest assured any information successfully extracted prior to his death may have had the potential to be at least marginally useful in our anti-terrorism efforts."
The initial batch of 938,000 detainees will be incarcerated and interrogated at a number of high-security installations at undisclosed locations both within and beyond American territory. No trial or release dates are set, Mr. Grisley said, "but that does not preclude the possibility that we may consider setting a trial or release date at some indeterminate time in the future, if we should for some reason get the urge to do so. But don't hold your breath."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
- Maine Voters Outlaw Homo Sapiens Marriage in Referendum
- Hillary Vows to Press On in Face of North Carolina, Indiana Primary Setbacks
- In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama
- John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement
- Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandmother
- House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing
- In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch
- Mitt Romney Secretly Prime Minister of Canada
- Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails