Mitt Romney Campaign Reportedly Sought HGH from John McCain Campaign
Duluth, February 3, 2008 -- A humiliated senior advisor to the Mitt Romney for President campaign admitted yesterday that he on several occasions had “tried to score” HGH, human growth hormone, from members of the John McCain campaign.
The advisor, who agreed to talk to reporters on the condition that he not be identified, said the HGH was not intended for his own use, but rather for Mr. Romney himself, whom the advisor described as a “first-class weenie”.
iPlant Upgrades to 2 Terabytes With WhiteTooth
Dallas, TX, August 11, 2011 -- Applesoft Corporation announced yesterday at BodyTech 2011 that it will be upgrading its popular iPlant multimedia product with an additional terabyte of storage, doubling its capacity to two terabytes. Customers will now have enough capacity to internally view over 22,000 hours of high-quality full-motion films, or listen to over 11 years worth of recorded music, all from the privacy of their own mouths and without requiring additional external connectivity.
Pat Robertson Retracts God's Wrath Statement on Dover, Pennsylvania School Board
Dover, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2005 -- Pat Robertson, the conservative Christian broadcaster and popular right-wing resident loon, today retracted comments he had made last week on his "700 Club" program warning the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they "better not go crying to God if disaster strikes".
Pat Robertson: Pat Robertson calling down God's wrath on Dover, PA, for rejecting creationism, a.k.a. "intelligent design"
Anna Nicole Smith Allegedly Marries, Eats Nine Elderly Billionaires
Malibu, February 4, 2011 -- Anna Nicole Smith, the former exotic dancer, Playboy model, weight-loss product spokesperson and failed "reality show" star whose legal struggle to secure a large portion of the estate of her late billionaire husband of nearly nine weeks went as far as the United States Supreme Court before being thrown out in a hail of hysterical spittle, is making headlines again this month in a controversial incident that some observers suggest may have legal implications. Ms.
George W. Bush to Replace Will Shortz as NYT Crossword Puzzle Editor
New York and Washington, D.C., January 3, 2009 -- In a development that has surprised political pundits and puzzle enthusiasts alike, The New York Times announced today that President George W. Bush will be replacing retiring puzzle-master Will Shortz as the crossword puzzle editor for The New York Times.
Will Shortz, who has edited the famous New York Times crossword puzzle page since 1993, announced several months ago that he is "bored unto death with squares and letters. Across, down, X, Y, Z… who the hell cares?"
Australia Gears Up Tactical Nuclear Program
Whitefinger, Antartica, May 28, 2039 -- The second round of Australian nuclear testing is now underway, with the above ground detonation of a 200 megaton tactical nuclear device yesterday evening in the Whitefinger Proving Grounds near the Rumpled Territories of Western Antartica, a spokesman for the Australian Ministry of Defense announced today.
Playboy University Enrolls First Class of Coeds
Beverly Hills, CA September 11, 2009 -- Donna Perkowski is not your typical college freshman. This 21 year old coed already has a résumé stacked with work experience and accomplishments. While her sexy set of credentials are massive, she feels that a university degree from Playboy University will thrust her toward one of the top positions within her field.
Bronze bust of Pamela Anderson's bust in the admissions office welcomes Playboy University coeds
U.S. Military to Reduce Iraq Troop Levels From 138,000 to 163,000
Washington, D.C., June 19, 2006 -- Citing an improving security situation in key Iraqi provinces, U.S. military commanders say they have begun the long-promised task of reducing the American troop presence in Iraq, beginning with a reduction to about 163,000 from the current 138,000 scheduled over the next six months.
Tastes Like Chicken? Not Possible, Scientists Find
Macon, Georgia, October 11, 2014 -- Scientists at the respected St. Ambrose Poultry Institute of Macon, Georgia have at last dispelled the widely held misperception that virtually every moderately unusual food tastes like chicken by proving that, in point of fact, nothing does.
"We've proven that, contrary to popular belief, it's actually a scientific impossibility for any known commonly consumed dietary substance to resemble the flavor of chicken," said Skinwood Neckle, Research Director at the Institute's Comparative Flavor Analysis section.
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