Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman
Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.
Priest Caught Selling Absolution on eBay
Bronx, New York, May 12, 2009 -- A Catholic priest from the Norwood neighbourhood of Bronx, New York, has been charged with selling absolution via an account on eBay, the popular online auction website.
An example of Father Butler's laminated absolution card
Man Divorces Wife
Boston, August 22, 2006 -- Douglas Shale, a certified public accountant from Newton, Massachusetts, recently created an uproar among Marriage Protection Amendment proponents by filing for divorce from Sheila, his wife of nearly 14 months. Spokesmen for numerous conservative and right-wing religious groups denounced Shale's action as "shameful", and vowed to seek legislation to legally block any such future recourse.
DeLay Laundromats Score D.C. Home Run
Washington, D.C., July 9, 2013 -- Tom DeLay, the former United States Representative, House Majority Leader, and ruthless high-profile right-wing "bag man", has broken new post-political ground here on the Beltway with his fantastically successful chain of coin-op laundromats, DeLay Kleenomatik. DeLay founded the laundry chain after emerging from a seven-year prison sentence at the Baltimore Reprobate Reprogramming Facility on various ethical charges. He is said to be "thrilled" with the runaway success of the new enterprise.
Horoscope Correctly Predicts Demise of Taurus
Wakka Wakka, Texas, June 30, 2019 -- Astrological aficionados born in the months of April and May were briefly shocked yesterday to read a chilling prediction posted in the Dallas/Ft.Worth Rancher's Almanac. The horoscope entry, which according to horoscope specialists was an unusually categorical example of the genre, read, simply, "Taurus: You die today."
Taurus – astrological sign (no longer applicable to the living): Image: Digital Sky LLC
Effort Underway to Improve Short Attention Spans of Americans
Washington, D.C., January 19, 2007 -- A federally-funded effort to counteract what some medical professionals have termed the "epidemic-level shortness in the attention spans of American citizens" has been launched with the backing of the Congressional Task Force for Making People Pay Attention.
Paris Hilton (interior)
Electricity Found to Cause Massive Brain Cell Loss
Tulsa, Oklahoma, July 19, 2014 -- A sweeping two-part study of the effects of electricity on the human body has concluded that short- or long-term exposure to the phenomena may be responsible for the untimely demise of millions of brain cells.
A brain
The study also brings scientists to the disturbing conclusion, described by coordinators as "shocking", that most humans are unwilling to alter their behavior to prevent damage to their primary brain functions, even when made aware of the causes of that damage
'Finnegans Wake' Movie Review
Hollywood, November 9, 2007 -- Oliver Stone’s latest movie, Finnegans Wake is based on the James Joyce novel by the same name and takes us on a curious journey from somewhere to somewhere else with a few twists along the road. Harold Pinter, English author and winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize in Literature, assisted Mr. Stone with moving the book from words to actions by solidifying the screenplay.
God Rebukes Bush for Presumption of Blessing
Earth, January 22, 2007 -- Speaking in a worldwide multimedia simulcast, God, Creator of the Universe, yesterday rebuked U.S. President George W. Bush for repeatedly using the phrase "May God continue to bless America" in speeches.
President George W. Bush: slightly shorter, slightly fatter following divine intervention
God, Whose voice was controlled but Whose tone was at times testy, warned that He has been punishing and will continue to punish Bush for the conceit inherent in the phrase.
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