Struggling GM Launches Internet Casino
Flint, Michigan, July 29, 2007 -- General Motors, the automotive behemoth that has been teetering precariously on the verge of bankruptcy for several years, will be taking the unusual step of diversifying its operations by launching an internet casino business in an effort to create a new cash cow that can be milked to keep its core operations alive.
According to Randy Mooman, spokesman for GM, the new casino is projected to provide sufficient revenue to keep GM afloat while it retools with new, more competitive automotive product lines.
Magician Disillusioned
Colon, Michigan, December 9, 2008 -- For decades, his name was a household word, like Kleenex or Chapstick. Millions of people around the world had watched mystified as he defied physical laws and ordinances, performing remarkable magic tricks that were of equal delight to children, adults, and precocious horses. Today, in one of the great tragedies of modern necromancy, The Great Lumache is a broken man—lost, hopeless—bereft of illusions. An Avant News exclusive interview.
The Lumache Mansion in Colon, Michigan
President Frist: War on Indecent Exposure Will Be Lengthy
Washington, D.C., March 19, 2013 -- U.S. President Bill Frist, briefing reporters on the status of the ongoing War on Indecent Exposure in the White House Rose Garden this afternoon, said "Significant milestones are being achieved every day, but there's no doubt in my mind this war will be a long one."
President Frist "keeps his eye on the ball" in the War on Indecent Exposure
TSA Bans Fuel
Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport, Virginia, March 11, 2007 -- The Transportation Security Administration announced today that, effective immediately, all potentially explosive liquids are banned from all areas of commercial airliners. TSA assistant secretary Kip Hawley said the measure, an expansion of the various bans on liquids in the cargo and passenger holds issued last fall, was necessary to "enhance our safety and protect the public against terrorist attacks in order to preserve our uniquely American freedoms".
DeLay Laundromats Score D.C. Home Run
Washington, D.C., July 9, 2013 -- Tom DeLay, the former United States Representative, House Majority Leader, and ruthless high-profile right-wing "bag man", has broken new post-political ground here on the Beltway with his fantastically successful chain of coin-op laundromats, DeLay Kleenomatik. DeLay founded the laundry chain after emerging from a seven-year prison sentence at the Baltimore Reprobate Reprogramming Facility on various ethical charges. He is said to be "thrilled" with the runaway success of the new enterprise.
Pentagon Beefs Up Iraq Troop Humvee Security With Baby on Board Stickers
Washington, D.C., November 19, 2006 -- Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman announced today the US Defense Department will begin an immediate security upgrade process for soldiers stationed in Iraq by equipping unarmored and up-armored HMMWV vehicles (Humvees) with heavy-duty "Baby on Board" stickers.
Baby on Board Security Enhancer-equipped Humvee
Mexican Peace Wall to Stem Rising Tide of U.S. Illegals
Mexico City, August 27, 2039 -- "Good fences make good neighbors," intoned Mexican President Jorge Monclova as he dug the first ceremonial spadeful of sand to mark the commencement of the construction of Mexico's new, massive border tightening effort, dubbed the Peace Wall. The immense barrier, a sixty-foot high structure that will stretch the entire 1,920 mile length of Mexico's border with the United States, is designed to curb a rising groundswell of illegal immigration from the country's less affluent northern neighbor.
Kobe Bryant Clones Debut in 100% Kobe Bryant- Derived LA Kobe Bryants
Los Angeles, November 3, 2023 -- Cloned progeny of legendary basketball superstar Kobe Bryant will at last be making their NBA debut this Sunday as the newly-launched LA Kobe Bryants meet local rival the LA Chamberlains at Staples Arena in Los Angeles.
LA Kobe Bryants, Team Photo
Citigroup, Bank of America Announce ATM Instant Equity Exchange Program
New York, April 6, 2009 -- Citigroup (NYSE: C) and Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) today jointly announced the launch of an innovative program, dubbed ATM Instant Equity Exchange, under which the two banks will commence dispensing stock vouchers rather than cash from ATMs under their control. Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC) is expected to sign on to the program later in the week.
Citibank, co-founder of the AIEE! program: Photo (CC) Ed Yourdon.
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