Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails
Washington, D.C., May 19, 2008 -- In a bi-partisan, largely symbolic gesture intended to draw attention to the faltering US economy and its impact on the vanishing middle class, Congress agreed today to no longer provide free booze at government-sponsored events. The BYOB agreement is expected to save American taxpayers up to $291 million annually.
Citigroup, Bank of America Announce ATM Instant Equity Exchange Program
New York, April 6, 2009 -- Citigroup (NYSE: C) and Bank of America (NYSE: BAC) today jointly announced the launch of an innovative program, dubbed ATM Instant Equity Exchange, under which the two banks will commence dispensing stock vouchers rather than cash from ATMs under their control. Wells Fargo (NYSE: WFC) is expected to sign on to the program later in the week.
Citibank, co-founder of the AIEE! program: Photo (CC) Ed Yourdon.
Tastes Like Chicken? Not Possible, Scientists Find
Macon, Georgia, October 11, 2014 -- Scientists at the respected St. Ambrose Poultry Institute of Macon, Georgia have at last dispelled the widely held misperception that virtually every moderately unusual food tastes like chicken by proving that, in point of fact, nothing does.
"We've proven that, contrary to popular belief, it's actually a scientific impossibility for any known commonly consumed dietary substance to resemble the flavor of chicken," said Skinwood Neckle, Research Director at the Institute's Comparative Flavor Analysis section.
Limbo Eliminated; Status of Purgatory in 'State of Limbo'
Rome, Italy February 12, 2006 -- The new catechism of Roman Catholic doctrine that did away with Limbo and was approved by Pope Benedict XVI in the middle of December 2005 threw the state of Limbo into a state of chaos. This catechism changing the eternal residence for those souls included in both the Limbo of the Fathers (limbus partum) and Limbo of Children (limbus infantium) by moving them straight to Heaven has left many souls wondering what happened and why.
Turns Out God Doesn't Particularly Care About Humans
Munich, November 2, 2019 -- The re-examination of a previously explored RNA genome code found on a rhinovirus, one of the class of viruses that cause the common cold, has revealed the surprising discovery that God is apparently not particularly interested in human beings at all, despite widespread belief to the contrary.
Human rhinovirus containing coded messages from God
World's Oldest Person Not Yet Dead
Barkhaven, Missouri, November 7, 2018 -- The world's oldest person, Eleanor Micklebuckle, 129, of Elkhart, Illinois, confirmed that she was "not yet dead" when reached at her home today via telegram.
Ms. Micklebuckle, a retired plutonium finisher who credits "rubdowns, barley and electricity" for her exceptional longevity, said, "I still have a lot of appreciation for the many good things in life, even though I can't hear, see or smell them too good anymore. Thanks for checking in."
Cheney Showcases New Detainee "Gimp Suit" Torture Apparel
Washington, D.C., January 12, 2006 -- Vice President Cheney, who remains one of the most strident voices in the Bush administration pushing for relaxed guidelines on the treatment of so-called detainees, appeared at the White House Rose Garden yesterday wearing the gimp suit that he is now championing as a potential cornerstone of "coercive interrogation", the administration code phrase for torture.
Greenpeace Renounces Nonviolence
Amsterdam, June 19, 2010 -- Greenpeace, the activist group known for its risky, but non-combative, worldwide efforts to protect the environment, declared today it has officially renounced non-violent tactics.
The Terminal Avenger, now with torpedoes
The act is seen as a reaction to an increasingly hostile activist environment that has frequently pitted Greenpeace in one-sided violent confrontation against both anti-environmentalist corporate interests and the often corrupt governments that support them.
Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain
New York, February 16, 2008 -- Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show with David Letterman.
The appearance was the first time Jesus has returned to earth with the specific goal of endorsing a political candidate, several pundits and religious scholars agreed, and may in fact be the first recorded reappearance ever of the widely admired supernatural entity.
Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.
