Metalloids Depose Noble Gases in Bloodless Revolution
Mendeleev, Utah, March 9, 2071 -- In a dramatic development that may permanently alter the political landscape of the periodic table, a group of revolutionary metalloids has overthrown the royal house of the noble gases in what has been described as a "violent yet bloodless revolution".
A spokesman for the metalloids announced the group's intention to install a democratic government based on the principles of "liberty, equality, and covalence".
"We've had enough of being lorded over by the so-called nobility," the spokesman, Maximilien Antimony, said. "The anachronistic feudal society perpetuated by the enemies of the elements – Helium, Neon, Argon, Krypton, Xenon, and Radon – is at an end. Long live the revolution!"
The violent revolution of the periodic table reportedly took place in the early hours of this morning when most chemistry students worldwide were sleeping. The change in power was not discovered until students in Mr. Necker's 8:30 a.m. science class at Bastille High School in Baton Rouge, Louisiana noticed a strange rearrangement of the elements on their large, wall-mounted periodic chart of the elements.
"I was looking at the periodic table while class was getting started and thought, huh, that's weird," Mark Lafayette, an honors student in Mr. Necker's sophomore class, said.
"All the metalloids had moved from their traditional staircase pattern sandwiched between the metals and the non-metals and were now way over to the right at group 18 where the noble gases used to be. And the noble gases were, like, just gone. Freaky."
Tensions among the metalloid group of elements (also known as semi-metals) had been building for some decades, Dr. Denis Diderot, a professor of chemistry at Tulane University, explained.
"They have been seriously discontented with their classification as a group," Dr. Diderot said. "They're not metals. They're not non-metals. They're not noble gases. So where does that leave them?"
"It's not that uncommon for disenfranchised groups to eventually turn to violence in order to cement their positions in a society after years or decades of being classed as 'outsiders'. Frankly I'm not that surprised they were driven to take this radical step."
According to Mr. Antimony, the revolutionary council of metalloids have convened a "Third Orbit" to discuss the establishment of a democratic republic in which all citizens of the periodic table are equally represented. The Third Orbit has also convened revolutionary tribunals to judge and sentence the deposed nobility.
"We will be fair. The justice we will mete out will be no different from that which we have long received at the hands of the so-called noble gases," Mr. Antimony said. He added that summary executions of noble gases, by a means yet to be decided, will begin shortly.
"It's a bit difficult to execute them, actually, due to their inert and non-reactive states," Mr. Antimony said. "They're very special. We might need a particle accelerator to get the job done."
In order to power the revolution, Mr. Antimony said, the revolutionary council of metalloids were forced to "borrow" a number of electrons from the metals group.
"We share the same goals, and we're all in this together," Mr. Antimony said. "Liberty, equality, covalence. I'm sure the metals are more than happy to do their part. The fact that the borrowed electrons helped most of us metalloids become noble gas isotopes is just a coincidental by-product. "
Given the metalloids' new noble status, the coronation of the new revolutionary elements' monarch of the periodic table, President King Antimony, is scheduled to take place next Tuesday. President King Antimony said he "will be a just and fair presidential monarch who will ensure the ideals of the revolution are followed, so long as the metals and non-metals learn their place and are slavishly subservient to me."
President King Antimony also said he will be decorating the first of his new palaces with gold, silver, tantalum, platinum, and rhodium. It is expected to be "quite oxidation and corrosion-resistant".
"What can I say?" President King Antimony said. "Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Do I want absolute power? Absolutely."
By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
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