Auditions Begin Today For Bush's Experimental New "Reality Cabinet"

Washington, D.C., February 2, 2007 -- Following the indictment and/or resignation in 2005 and 2006 of virtually the entire West Wing of the White House, President George W. Bush will be trying a new, experimental approach to governing for the remainder of his term with a so-called "reality cabinet" modeled on the popular format used by roughly 33,502 different, if hauntingly similar, television programs.

Auditions for the Bush Reality Cabinet begin today, Friday, and will continue until March 1 or the cabinet is filled, whichever comes first. White House Press Secretary and former Custodial Engineer Jeremiah Frogstone said of the auditions, "It's not a beauty contest or nothing, but it helps if you know how to type."

Bush's embattled and struggling presidency has been sinking further in both popularity ratings and effectiveness as, one by one, and sometimes two by two, key advisers and occasionally manacled ministers have resigned or been forcibly removed from office. With few highlights to show thus far for 2007 beyond the dedication of the luxurious new minimum security Arlington GOPrison, built by Halliburton Prison Construction Services (Gibraltar) Ltd., which now houses many of Bush's former staff, friends, lobbyists and supporters, the presidency has been popularly described as having moved well beyond "lame duck" status, to "quadriplegic loon".

Bush, who announced the new initiative in an unscripted appearance in the White House Garden (formerly the Rose Garden), once again lamented the theft of the famous roses by former procurement chief David Safavian and vowed to bring the perpetrator to justice as soon as a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is currently serving 12-15 years at GOPrison on war crimes charges, can be found.

Following is the official transcript of the President's remarks to reporters:


PRESIDENT BUSH: Everybody, hello. It's nice to see you here. It's nice to be outside, in the open air. A man can breathe out here. Good fresh air. Nice and fresh.


I called this press conference to tell you about a noonish stiffative -- a noon in shift -- a new initiative I'm going to announce called the Reality Cabinet. I talked to a lot of you on the phone this morning, asking you to come here, and I'm glad you all came. I'm real glad. Who's that in the back? Where you going? There was what? Car crash somewhere. OK, I guess you got a story to cover, you got a story to cover. I'll call you up later and tell you about the – OK. That's OK, you can call me. You know the number.

I guess he didn't hear that last part. So what I was saying was I'm going to announce this noon in – this new thing the announcement's about. A lot of you maybe noticed it's a little quiet around here, around the White House, Capital Building and all. That's 'cause of something called the "criminalization of politics", when the politics has a lot of criminals and it gets criminalizized. Criminized. Culture of corruption.

And before I forget, let me just say hello to Condi Rice and some of the other folks who couldn't be here today, 'cause they're incarcipated. Condileeza Rice, I mentioned, old Uncle Donald, Donald Rumsfeld. Rocket, we call him. Rocket Rumsfeld. Dick Cheney.

My old friend Tom DeLay and his posse, Jack Abramoff and David Safavian. Grover Norquist. Adam Kidan. Bill Frist, I know you're missing your family, and they miss you too. Roy Blunt. Karl Rove and Scooter Libby. Judith Miller told me – is she here, Judy? What? Not a reporter any more? Well, Scooter, Judy said she's going to pay you a visit soon.

Paul Bremer. Scott McClellan. Who could have known a press guy could get indicted for lying to the public? Fred Fleitz. Hang in there, soldier. Armstrong Williams. Congressman Duke Cunningham, good man, good man. Bob, Bob Ney. Richard Pombo. Timothy Flanigan. Coulda been a good deputy. Don't want to forget Alberto Gonzalez. Ralph Reed. I'm sure there's more, don't want to forget anybody.

I sure hope they built that new prison big enough. Must be getting crowded in there!


They got TV's and cable in there, I think. Cable television.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm going to build a new cabinet and a new West Wing, going to get some good people in here, people I can trust, the American people can trust. Good people. We're going to have a democracy here.

Starting today, we're starting auditions for my new Reality Cabinet. Way it works is, is we get ordinary people, average people like you and me, and together we work together running the nation. Running America, our nation.

We need about 20 people. Need someone to be Vice President, someone else to be Attorney General, that whole thing. American government.

So we're going to get regular people to do that, and the American people can watch the whole thing on TV. Watch the government on TV. And then they can vote.

And if they vote they want someone to stay in the Reality Cabinet, the person stays, and if they vote they want them to leave, the person goes away.

And that's the way it works. And it's all on TV, on Fox TV, on the new Reality Cabinet program. Prime time. What? All right, not prime time. Around midnight, Pacific. Lot of people up that hour, working late. Not me, but a lot of people.

So I want you average Americans to come on over to the White House this afternoon and start auditioning. It's good if you know how to type. I'll be right there at the card table by the front door, by the entrance, and I'll give you a name tag and a clipboard with some forms you can fill out, and then we can get to work.

We can get to work, and work real hard, and together we're going to make America great. Make it great. For all us Americans.


So God bless America. God may continue to bless America.

Thank you.


By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

Copyright © 2005-2505 All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.