Low Bush Approval Ratings Save Taxpayers Millions This Election Year

Washington, D.C., July 19, 2006 -- With President Bush's approval ratings hovering in the mid-twenties, the generally avid campaigner has achieved something more akin to a pariah status as increasing numbers of Republican senators, congressmen and governors up for election or re-election this November ask the president to "please just stay the hell out of my state".

Indianapolis Colts' Undefeated NFL Season Questionable

Indianapolis, IN - December 22, 2006 -- After trouncing all the opponents on their schedule this year, the Indianapolis Colts are doing their best to get over the recent kidnapping of their Pro-Bowl quarterback Peyton Manning and are continuing their quest to complete the season at a perfect 16-0.

Struggling GM Launches Internet Casino

Flint, Michigan, July 29, 2007 -- General Motors, the automotive behemoth that has been teetering precariously on the verge of bankruptcy for several years, will be taking the unusual step of diversifying its operations by launching an internet casino business in an effort to create a new cash cow that can be milked to keep its core operations alive.

According to Randy Mooman, spokesman for GM, the new casino is projected to provide sufficient revenue to keep GM afloat while it retools with new, more competitive automotive product lines.

Miss Universe 2007 Pageant Won By Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of 55 Cancri System

Bangkok, Thailand, July 9, 2007 -- For the first time since the inauguration of the Miss Universe Beauty Pageant in 1952, the coveted Miss Universe crown will be proudly borne by a being from beyond the Earth's immediate solar system. Dark horse entry Iittikkupt Wrttkkyl of the planet Oog in the 55 Cancri System upset favorites Candee Pakige of California, Sindee del Pinar of Rio de Janeiro and Casynella Ollivierre of St.

Texas Rings In New Clean Air Rules With Tire Fire

Austin, January 22, 2008 -- Texas Governor Rick Perry hailed the passage of strengthened air quality controls for Texas with a rousing public celebration yesterday featuring a Texas-style bonfire made entirely of recycled tires.

Houston, Texas (center)Houston, Texas (center)

Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandmother

Regional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016 -- A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he “flipped the bird” yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandmother, Sue Ellen Fecundite.

Electric Goldfish Makes Waves In Robotics

Osaka, Japan, August 22, 2007 -- Engineers at Daikyo-Tonabayashi have confirmed the production of the first robot goldfish, years ahead of schedule. Recent developments in nanotechnology and the introduction of the Sentium microchip 80747 have made possible a breakthrough of extraordinary magnitude: a fully operational electronic tropical companion.

Newt Gingrich Announces Candidacy for Republican Presidential Nomination

Atlanta, Georgia, March 22, 2007 -- Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, whose career was thought by virtually all observers to have evaporated in a hail of spittle in 1998, announced today that he will be seeking the Republican nomination for president in 2008. The former Speaker had hinted as early as the autumn of 2005 that he "could be cajoled to run, if the voice were soft and silky enough", but only with today's announcement does Mr. Gingrich's candidacy become official.

New Wal-Mart Fitness Policy Breaks Ground for Employee Health

Bentonville, Arkansas, January 22, 2006 -- Wal-Mart's new employee fitness program has been a "dazzling success" in the first three months of its operation, a Wal-Mart spokesman, Chip Kraippe, said yesterday. The new policy, which was announced by the unusual means of a closely-held internal memo that was leaked in October of last year, dictates that all Wal-Mart employees are required to perform at least one hour of high-impact physical activity each day, regardless of their duty assignment.

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