Cheney Showcases New Detainee "Gimp Suit" Torture Apparel

Washington, D.C., January 12, 2006 -- Vice President Cheney, who remains one of the most strident voices in the Bush administration pushing for relaxed guidelines on the treatment of so-called detainees, appeared at the White House Rose Garden yesterday wearing the gimp suit that he is now championing as a potential cornerstone of "coercive interrogation", the administration code phrase for torture.

USA Patriot Act To Ease Deficit With Pay-Per-View "Candid Americams"

Washington, D.C., November 26, 2005 -- Republican proponents of the USA Patriot Act are proposing a new provision they say will provide a fiscal silver lining to the controversial surveillance measure, but some privacy advocates are up in arms about what they see as an intolerable intrusion on privacy and civil liberties.

Best and Worst Children's Christmas Toys – 2006

Avant News Special Report

Coshocton, OH November 28, 2006 -- We at Avant News are pleased to announce our list of what our experts deem to be the 10 best and 10 worst Christmas gifts for 2006. As usually occurs, the toy industry tends to mirror social trends and this year was no exception.

19 Year Old Diebold Technician Wins U.S. Presidency

Washington, D.C., November 5, 2008 -- In a dramatic development that has come as a surprise to pundits and the public alike, a youthful technician with Diebold, Inc. has emerged as the unlikely winner of the 2008 U.S. Presidential election. The president-elect, 19 year old Billy Pustule of Green, Ohio, reached via SMS at the garage apartment by his mother's house in which he currently resides, said he was "real psyched about being the president" and "had big plans for the inauguration party".

Yule-Mate Takes the Pain Out of Christmas Gift-Giving

Bedford Falls, November 12, 2026 -- The revolutionary Yule-Mate Personal Holiday Robot from Christmas Industries, Inc. promises a solution to the leading causes of consumer holiday stress: the finding and delivering of thoughtful, appropriate Christmas presents to your loved ones, friends, associates, employees, and domestic staff.

Yule-Mate in Auto-gift modeYule-Mate in Auto-gift mode

Study: American Celebrities Now Outnumber Fans

Los Angeles, March 19, 2010 -- Andy Warhol's famous phrase, “In the future, everyone will be fat and slightly stupid,” correctly prognosticated two alarming social trends that have led to a sharp rise in the incidences of heart disease, diabetes, right-wing talk radio and other obesity-related maladies among the ever-larger American populace.

What the eccentric 1960s pop artist failed to predict, however, is another trend that now has sociological statisticians scratching their unkempt scalps: the remarkable rise in short-term celebrity status among citizens from all walks of life.

Godzilla-like creature ”natural phenomenon”, says TEPCO chairman

Fukushima, Japan, April 22, 2011 – The large, Godzilla-like aquatic creature that has appeared off the coast of Fukushima, Japan, was described by Tokyo Electric Power Co. chairman Tsunehisa Katsumata as a ”purely natural phenomenon” entirely unconnected to the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant. His assessment was subsequently confirmed by Japanese governmental authorities.

Bush Fulfills Katrina Vow With Trent Lott Porch Sit

New Orleans, August 9, 2006 -- In the catastrophic aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush warmed and reassured the hearts of Americans with the solemn promise that Senator Trent Lott, whose house had been lost in the hurricane, would receive a new, fantastic house built "out of the rubbles", on the porch of which the President would look forward to sitting.

Israeli and Palestinian Ambassadors Remain Hopeful About Upcoming Peace Talks

Hebron, April 22, 2110 -- "A ceasefire is just around the corner," claimed Jakob Weisman, assistant to the Minister of Education, from inside the armored SpeakerDome™. Reports coming in from all sectors suggest a piquant curiosity on the part of both the Israeli and Palestinian populace.

Copyright © 2005-2505 AvantNews.com. All rights reserved.
Avant News contains satire and other fictional material, provided for entertainment purposes only. Disclaimer. Syndicate. Privacy.