China First With Citizen RFID Implants

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Beijing, March 19, 2010 -- A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens of the People's Republic of China." The plan, detailed by Zhou Bo Kai, chief executive of China's Ministry of Public Security, will involve the implantation of long-range, high-frequency RFID devices in every one of China's estimated 1.4 billion citizens over the next 18 months.

Fossilized Feces of Jesus Wreaks Havoc

Holy See, August 29, 2020 -- The recent discovery of a fossilized lump of human feces believed to have once emerged from the body of Jesus Christ, Son of God, has swept a whirlpool of excitement and controversy throughout the altars of the religious world.

Cave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discoveredCave in which fossilized fecal matter of Jesus was discovered

Chronic Armpit Rash Source of George W. Bush Swagger

Crawford, Texas, June 22, 2059 -- The signature swagger of the late US President George W. Bush (2001-2009) was the result of a persistent armpit rash, newly discovered archival material shows.

Underarm irritation source of late president George W. Bush's peculiar walking postureUnderarm irritation source of late president George W. Bush's peculiar walking posture

Halliburton Subsidiary to Build North Korea's First Light-Water Reactor

Pyongyang, North Korea, November 5, 2006 -- A jubilant U.S. State Department announced today that the Halliburton subsidiary of Buhn & Dogale, a small ceramic figurine manufacturing firm located in the Cayman Islands, has been granted a coveted $3.2 billion no-bid contract to construct North Korea's first light-water nuclear reactor.

State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said key officials associated with the contract award, an important component of the recently signed North Korean Now You See Them Now You Don't Strategic Nuclear Arms Limitation Treaty, were "elated".

Pat Robertson Retracts God's Wrath Statement on Dover, Pennsylvania School Board

Dover, Pennsylvania, November 14, 2005 -- Pat Robertson, the conservative Christian broadcaster and popular right-wing resident loon, today retracted comments he had made last week on his "700 Club" program warning the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they "better not go crying to God if disaster strikes".

Pat Robertson: Pat Robertson calling down God's wrath on Dover, PA, for rejecting creationism, a.k.a. "intelligent design"Pat Robertson: Pat Robertson calling down God's wrath on Dover, PA, for rejecting creationism, a.k.a. "intelligent design"

Yellowstone Eruption Scuttles Balloon Regatta

Chicago, IL, July 22, 2019 -- A massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone National Park yesterday wreaked havoc for the organizers and balloon captains of the 9th Annual Hot Air Balloon Regatta, causing disappointment among surviving spectators and participants. The eruption, which had not been anticipated by the regatta's organizers, severely disrupted the day's events and may force Western Ballooning to cancel the project altogether for this year.

Human Error Cited in Rove Exorcism SNAFU

Washington, D.C., November 27, 2007 -- Human error was cited as the cause of the latest failure to exorcise what leading demonologists have termed "an unprecedented can of infernal worms" from the tormented soul of White House Special Advisor Karl Rove.

Ashton Kutcher to Host Twitter's Reality TV Show

San Francisco, CA, July 13, 2009 -- Yesterday saw the surprising announcement that Twitter has brought Ashton Kutcher onboard to host its upcoming reality TV show. The show, Thy Tweeting Twit, is planned to debut this fall on FOX and will be direct sent from a location yet to be determined somewhere in the county of Warwickshire, England.

To tweet or not to tweet, that is the questionTo tweet or not to tweet, that is the question

BakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT Signs With Eagles

Philadelphia, June 23, 2146 -- After 42 seconds of intense negotiation, the Philadelphia Eagles signed their top pick in the 2146 NFL draft, bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT, the mercurial wideout from a remote planetoid in the whooooooOOOOOGoMMMM!!! Galaxy and Georgia Tech, to a five-year, $574 million contract.

"We're excited that bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT is on board," says Eagles coach Lou Pendergast. "We're gonna throw downfield more this season, and we think bakbakBNAK!! schHneeeeBORTTT will contribute right away. The kid's got tentacles."

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